My city though a fish eye

The weather

The weather has been strange here. Sure the calendar says it January but it has lied to me before so I don't much trust it. The wind yesterday seemed annoyingly happy. It tossed my hair with ease and lifted all my friends feet right off the ground to soar though the clouds with the birds. Mine always seem frustrating heavy and gravity effected. My mood is dark and cold even when January is a warm as 68 degrees. Today the weather is strange too. Its still the wind that worries me. Like a movement of change blowing though my life, I never know what it will do next. What could you possibly do to me, wind, that would cause more pain and self doubt. You came for the ones I love now are you coming for me as well? Maybe I am just doubtful. Maybe the wind I see is simply part of me changing and moving like we all do. I guess there is no way to tell what the weather will do tomorrow. Maybe I will drown in a warm thunderstorm or even become strangely thirsty as the sun has no shield from my skin. I just cant tell until I wake and pear through my window, what lays ahead for my life.

Happyness

A friend told me today that 40% of our happyness can be determined by our selves. I believe that, its really all about frame of mind. If I wanted to be happy maybe it would be easer. Sometimes even when nothing is wrong I still tend to be sad. It was not always the case I don't think. I also read someplace that to have happyness a specific part of your brain must be activated. To activate that part of your brain you need to have a sense of purpose in your day to day life.

Anyways I wanted to also post and say that last night me and my friend saved a puppy. He was hit by a car 2 days ago and was hiding in a bush really scared. It was dark and I sat IN the bush with him until animal control came. He looked pretty bad but he had tags so I think he will be alright. An honorable mention goes out to my Grandpa David for forcing me out of the house. If it was not for that the poor pup would have been out there all night at least. I wonder sometimes why I cant just be normal...

Dottie

I have mentioned my grandfather and his store before. How he worked along side with my great Aunt Julie. Well this woman worked with them too. She is not a relative but became one because she was with us though it all. She was a wife with small kids when she was first hired by my grandpa but now she is in her late 70's. She worked the cash register for years and years and became a really great family friend. When the store closed in 1993 or 1994 (I don't remember exactly) we were not about to loose one of our most trusted family friends and she was not about to let us loose her. So she started working for my aunt who was in pretty bad health. She helped her by cleaning her house, watching out for her dogs and lots of other caregiver like things. This kept my aunt independent till the very end of her life. We were all very greatfull for what she did for my Aunt. Dottie is a wonderful woman who I have always had a liking for. She was much like my aunt but a bit younger. She came to a lot of our parties and she used to give great big hugs. I miss her almost as much as I miss my aunt and grandpa. She lives in Florida now. When my aunt died I think it really broke her up, so shortly after she moved away to be in a warmer happier place. Last time I saw her was at my grandpa's funeral. She came back up here just to be with us because she knew how much he meant to us all. She is from there generation. She is of the dying times, where family looked out for family even if you were not of blood relation. I miss that generation. It seems like they were the ones with the unconditional love. I miss being able to see there faces every day of my life.

The story ends a little happier though because her kids live in my home town and she was able to come visit when I was on break. When I saw her she said "OHH Stefanie you cant be taller then me!" She hugs just as wonderfully as she used to. She smells like my aunt used to as well. She is doing alright herself, and mostly wanted to hear about what I was up to. She would not believe that I only have one more year in college. She even demanded that I "take it back" after I told her. I did not see her for long but it was good. Just enough time to soak in the beautiful sight of someone who never stopped love me and the rest of my family. I miss you Dottie and I miss all that you represent. My grandfather, my Aunt, even my Nonna who used to shop in there store. Those times sure were simpler. I wont forget you, so please don't forget me.

Back and alone

I am back alright. I was glad when I first walked in the door both roommate were home. I was not alone. Problem is with in the first half hour they both left. Now with no food in the house and really empty stomach I am left to figure out dinner alone. I am glad not to be home, but I am not so glad to be back here eaither. What's is going to take to find happyness? At least tonight a good friend is coming over for a visit. Well anyways thats all for now I guess.

Stupid me and Politics

Why is it so hard for me to tell someone about Nonna. She is a pretty good friend and I have had a few chances but just was never able to say the words. She knew Nonna as well, so she has a right to know. I feel dumb for not telling her before now. I need to tell her just so I can stop thinking about it.

I watched the Iowa Caucuses today. I like politics, its one thing that I can normally agree mostly with my mom on. (never with my dad though) My dad was not around tonight though so me and my mom watched the first black presidential candidate win in Iowa. It was pretty amazing. I felt like I was watching history.

Even though Nonna never much cared about politics somehow it still reminded me of her. I remembered four years ago during the last campaign Nonna would see the same faces on TV all the time and she would not stop asking us about them. "Who is he? What does he want?" For some reason she seemed to be strangely interested in John Edwards. She also used to say "BUSH BUSH" when ever she saw president Bush on TV. So in order to help our sanity we made a cheat sheet of sorts, or maybe more like a cheat poster. It had photos of every candidate on it with there name next to them so that way when she asked us who everyone was we would just point to the poster that we had hung right next to her seat. It worked pretty well. I miss her and some days it just really amazes me how everything in this world reminds me of her.

Things were different

Sometimes I feel like I live in an insane asylum. My mom is pretty unstable still. She cries at the drop of a hat. I hate seeing her cry so naturally I do all I can do to avoid that. This means normally trying to reason with my father. That is not easy. He can be really difficult to talk to and its imposable to change his mind. He does a great job of pushing everyone away mentally and physically. Then you throw my brother in the mix when he decides to stop by and they really get going about politics or his job opportunities because he is set to graduate in the spring. I miss it when there were five of us sitting around the dinner table. I miss someone screaming "stata zit" when we get out of control. I miss having someone to hug and turn to when the others are unbelievably insane. I basically miss her.

I am going to go back to school early for no other reason then to leave here. I told this to a friend who knows me pretty well and he said "go, but there you will be alone, and lonesome." He's right. I really cant win can I?

The First

There is something so hopelessly romantic about the first of anything. Its a new start, how ever symbolic it may be. The first of a month, a year, or even just a week can mean something if you want it to. I guess thats exactly my point, that anything can mean something if WE choose to make it important. So since I am talking about first here my final list of things I did for the first time in 2007.

• My first 40 hour a week job
• Visiting an online chat room
• Having a "pen” pails (aka you all)
  
• Ear piercings: cartilage and 2ed holes
• Visiting someone I love in a nursing home
  
• Seeing Lion King in NYC
• Having a deaf admirer/stalker
• Visiting a friend (my age) in the hospital
• Visiting the health center at RIT for the first time
  
• Getting pulled over by the cops (but no ticket yet)
  
• First ever apartment; and paying bills on my own
• First time I had sushi (not so bad!)
• First college "C" (first since elementary school math)
  

Note: A few things have been left off just to make the list a little prettier. I think you would understand if you knew what they were. OH and also there could be more and I have not thought of them yet.

ALSO: I just noticed that blogger defaults to putting all my 2007 posts under a tab called "2007" and that tab is close! Now hows that for the symbolic start of something new? (take a look on the right hand side of my blog down a bit)