one big box, 12 dollars

I dont have much money right now. In fact sometimes I try not to be hungry just so I dont have to eat food. Its not a big deal its just what happens when your in college. So I dont go shopping much. Thing is there was something I have been waiting to buy for several months now. Its a box. I know your like a box??? why a box??? Well see in my life when something ends, and i mean something big I make a box. I sometimes cover it with photos, or I just put all the photos inside. I have a box for all my freshman year college stuff, and one for sophomore year. I assume I will make one at the end of this year too. I put keepsakes and random things that have symbolic meaning to me.

So this box I have in front of me now. I put all of nonna's stuff it in. The contents are: one photo album that I made for her with photos of our whole family. one scarf she made for me. a sweatshirt i bought her that has my college name on it. a bookmark that she kept in her bible. about 50 postcards sent to her from her family still in Italy. a golden flower pin. and a green plastic rosary. and her prayer book.

I think putting all this in the box will help me emotionally. I need to work harder on keeping it in the box. Lately when I have gotten upset I would take all her stuff out and sprawl it on the floor. Look at it all and smell it all. Its comforting. I know one day I will have to put the box in a closet or something. I wont take it out much, but it will always always be there.



Its just for now is it ok if I keep it where I can see it?

"I love you"

I wonder why when you cry so much your noise gets so stuffy. I cant breath out of it right now. I thought to much about everything. About my life as a punching bag. I mean that in a few ways. Its not like I am blaming others, I feel as if most of how I get treated is my fault. I dont have a good self esteem. Mostly thinking about this all brought me back to one point. Like it always does.

I miss her so god dam much. Even when she had no idea who I was, she knew she loved me. Now I have people in my life who can call me by my name but cant tell me they love me. I would rather it be the other way around. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

The last time I hurd her voice it was over the phone. She had a few broken bones in her face plus she was wearing an oxygen mask. But she still managed to say it. She still said it. even if she had no idea who I was, or how much that really meant to me. She said it, just like this. "I love you... I love you...I love you"

Better

I feel pretty good today. I wanted to post that. I am sorry if I worry you guys. I don't mean to. I will take care of myself the best I can, if you try and do the same for yourselves. We all need each other and in case I don't say it enough: I love you. Have a good weekend my friends.

>_<

Just not feeling much like it anymore. I probably wont be around for a while. I wont be at the chat on Thursday. I am not going to lie here and say I am ok. You all don't deserve that. Take care friends.

stood up

Its Thrusday but I guess everyone forgot. I sat in the chat room 2 for about 45 mins before I closed the window. I don't blame any of you. I know our lives are busy. I know I dident get home till 8pm today. I just was kinda looking forward to it, and was disappointed. I get ditched by plenty of folks though so dont worry please. I will be alright... i guess.


I was going to tell you tonight... i am going out of town, just for one night. Anyplace but here has got to be better.

so little sleep

i am running on so little sleep. how come even with that, i still cant sleep. sometimes i can get so upset, over not even anything. bring myself into a state of pure panic in a matter of moments. and all of this only make me dislike myself more, which then makes the problem worse. its a sick cycle, but one i am just not strong enough to break. i am sorry i am this way. i wish i was a different person.

feeling just a bit inadequate

life gets me into the worse places sometimes. like right now i am feel the rejection hurt. this is job number three that does not want me. and i really wanted this one. how come it was so easy last summer but this summer nothing seems to want to work out. so my back up plan is taking classes in my home town. i dont much like that idea because it means working a min wage job on the side. i dont know if i can make myself go back to that type of work place. eaither way i am sure i will be home for the summer. it just will remind me of last summer so much. being home full time. i dont know if i can handle it. its easy being away. nothing here reminds me of her. she never even got to visit my apartment. i know it will be painful. and i miss her extra already.

in addition to my inadequacy's in the job area, i was sitting in a room today with 9 girls, all of which are in healthy relationships with a boy. talk about feeling left out. they were going on and on about how great it is to have a boyfriend. i know i am not capable of that right now but i cant help but one it anyway.

*sigh*

I know I need to just let my life go a little bit and see where it takes me. Walk the road with my head high. Its just so much harder to do then to say.

Primavera

Its spring. Or in Italian, Eg Primavera. I am not sure what Nonna's favorite season was, she was a practicalist, and probably would not have answered the question if I had asked. If I had to guess though it would be Primaverea. So you might be saying why are you posting this now? Its been spring for a bit... well yea technically but just today I am starting to feel like its really here. The sun was out, and the air was fresh. I could not help hearing Nonna's voice in the wind. Time to plant in the garden again isent it Nonna? Yes Stefanina. She used to plant, but not in the past 5 years. Oh she loved it outside, every moment of it. I miss seeing her outside.

Anyways back to the word, primavera. Italian has a way of saying so much more then just one word at a time. Prima means first. and Vera means truth. So to us Italians Spring time is so much more then a date on the calendar. Its about the first sign of truth returning. The earth, the flowers, and plants, that is truth always and for now I am so glad to have it back.

weird stuff

When I get nervous my pinkey finger twitches. When I want to cry my ears hurt. On my left foot I can cross my smallest toe over the top of the 2ed smallest with out touching it. I cant straighten my right pointer finger all the way because of a bad scar there. I have a sea horse looking birthmark on the inside of my right leg, by the foot. When I find my thoughts getting out of control I close my eyes really tight for a second as to make them go away and then pop them back open again. I talk with my hands. When I am board I imagine the world around me if it was under a mile of water. When I get angry my left cheek twitches a bit, and it makes me laugh. When something really bad happens the first person I call is my mom. When I need to laugh I force myself to imitate an annoying laugh for 30 seconds and by the end of it I find I am actually laughing. When it is after 1am I have a hard time sleeping. Every day I accidentally hurt myself, today I ran into a microscope. I like going to the cemetery, and often visit ones where i dont know anyone who is burred there. Some of my favorite words are "skettchey" "sweet" and "busted". I believe in one god but dont even want to try and tell you which one. I like mint girl scout cookies more then i like boys sometimes. Ok but I do like boys, when they are not jerks. I can eat with chopsticks, but it took a while.

and well at almost 2 in the morning i make lists of weird stuff about me.

urgggg

i am such an idiot, i just want to poke my own eye out.

fast moving object

I amaze me. I really never stop causing more problems for myself. Everyone has a history right? Everyone has things they would rather never happened. Often I can cause physical stress responses by just thinking about mine. I just think for a few min's and then all of a sudden my gut starts to roll, my head feels faint, and my vision can even get blurry. Hyperventilation is not uncommon either. If I dont get enough sleep all this happens easer. I have not been getting much sleep. Last night i slept for only 3 hours. My friend says anything under 5 hours is not real sleep. Who am I to say differently.

Every time I think I get myself under control. Focused on work. Not thinking about the ugly stuff in my life. Something or someone comes flying back at my head. It can be stupid things, unimportant things. It just takes all my progress and flushes it down the toilet like weed when the cops are are knocking on the door.

One thing I do know, it that you have to take control of your own life. You cant let it be run by someone else, or just decide to let fate dictate you. It just sounds so easy doesn't it. Take control and make your life better, you can do it. What if I cant?

I will be alright I think. I know its just one of those times in life. I am 20 soon to be 21. I have time right? I will figure it out and look back and say "how the heck was I so lost?"