Update

I am here. I am feeling lost. School starts Monday and I am extremely nervous. I am afraid that it will be like it was last quarter when I could not focus on school and I just give up. I cant have another quarter like the last one. Then I will feel like there was no point in me even coming to college. That might be what I am really afraid of, that I will fail and then it will all have been for nothing.

My friends have been around a lot lately, and well I think I finally let out some of what I have been thinking. A friend asked me about my dad and I just could not help but tell the truth. I told him about how he does not help with Nonna. How he fights with my mom all the time. How he fights with me all the time. How he can only make things worse. I don't know if he wanted to know all he found out but now he does and I feel like I have given him a part of my soul or something. I don't tell these things to people lightly. I wish I never had to tell anyone what actually goes on in my house, but I fear I would explode if I did not.

More random things you might want to know. I got "layed off" from my job today. The class I was supposed to TA for got canceled and the teacher failed to tell me this until now. This is a pretty big problem for me, I will have to look for a new job now. Also I found out that I have 300 dollars worth of textbooks I need to buy for my classes this quarter. Thats a record for me. So no job but 300 dollars of textbooks to buy... plus I got my first bills this morning. The life of a college kid... The apartment looks nice though. I will take photos soon to post here. I guess thats all for now. Thanks guys- I am thinking of you.

*shrug*

I realize I haven't posted in a few days. So well I wanted you all to know I am alive. I wish there was more that I would put into words, or well in this case type about how I am doing but I don't feel as if its possible right now. Maybe I will later. Sorry :(

lets be real

One of my best friends said that to me today... He said... "stef lets be real" Thing is I don't know how I can be "real" with him about my summer. Thats what everyone is talking about... there summers. Do you really want me to be real with you? Or do you want me to just say I have been fine. Do you want to know how I really feel? Or do you want me to just say its ok? Even if you want to know, maybe I cant tell you. Or maybe you wont react well to what I do tell you. Maybe we could just not talk about our summers, just move forward.

Is that an option?

a new today

I woke up today in a new place. No family here. No crutch for me to lean on. No reason to not be at my best. So I am going to try and be positive.

Today will be better then yesterday. Tomorrow will be better then today. If today is not better then yesterday, if it is worse, then well tomorrow will be better then both today and yesterday. Have I lost you? I am just trying to be positive. Its not something I am good at. Being positive for me is like being irrational. At least though when being positive you can try and be happy for just a bit. I know she wants that for me. SO positive I will be. Even though everything tells me differently.

Thanks to all you guys being so supportive. I do feel the love. I hope you feel my love to.

at the place...

I am here. I am not sure if I have ever felt this alone in my life. Maybe I have. WHO knows. I will update more later. I just wanted to tell you I am here. At my own place. Just so tired. Just so tired. Never felt this tired. I am sure of that one.


i miss her already

i am done

i decided not to go to the nursing home today. I am goinig to pack my sorrows away in cardboard boxes. whats the point in saying goodbye? i can say it right here and she wont notice the difference. I leave tomorrow morning, early.

goodbye Nonna. I love you so much. please be here when I get back. I love you.

i cant go back there

I spent all day at the nursing home. Me and Nonna were in a small room taking photo's of residents in costumes. Volunteer work. They liked it a lot. I now have to process the photos and give a CD to them to print and give to the residents.

I spent less time on her floor today. After yesterday I just couldent handle it. Mel had a stroke. I talked to her son today. He was very teary eyed. She has hospice in and well its just a matter of how many days her body will hold out. She had such a wonderful smile. I called her butterfingers for fun sometimes because we played ball sometimes and she could never catch it. Her family did not come often. They waited till this to realize how important and wonderful a person she was. I will cry for her.

My grandmother's roommate was taken to the hospital the day I brought my camera in to take pictures. So I was never able to take her picture. She got back today. I talked to her daughter to. She did not tell me what happened but it seems as if she is sleeping for good now. Just a matter of days. Front row seat I will have to her departure from this world. Right next to my grandmother is her own fate. Louise was a wonderful lady. NEVER before this have I seen her daughter visit. I even found out that I know her daughter from High School. I just don't know how you can leave someone you love at a place like that. Just waiting for the call that she will not get better. Whats the point in being there then. She might as well die alone. At least It would not be a lie. I am just so ANGRY. The painful tears flow hot out of my eyes. I cant go back there. I cant watch these people die. I cant because I know it is MY grandmothers future. I know I am leaving her, waiting for that one call. ITS just so unfair. SO UNFAIR.

ramblings

I consider you friends. I consider our conversations important. I consider our connection to be strong. But I wonder if its the same to you.

You have had lives. You have had loves. You have experienced so much pain, loss, and anguish. You have known what its like to wake up every day and know its exactly like the last. Exactly the same except completely different.

I spend my days thinking to much. I spend my days wondering if the choices I have made are the right ones. I spend my days hoping that someone else makes my decisions for me. I hope that life walks its path and decides to take me along.

Then after I have thought about it all. About the reasons. About the whys. About the hows. About the whos. I look back and say what was the point of that. What was the point in this discussion. What is the point in these questions that I am still asking. I don't even know what I am saying. So I ask you, do you know what I am saying? Or have I just lost my mind?

Celia

Celia came to visit today. If you don't know who she is: she is a teenager working on a project to help other teen agers deal with people with Alzheimer's. She is really sweet and was good with the strange situation that is the Nursing Home. I am glad we got a chance to chat. She asked good questions and I tried to be as honest as possible. I hope to one day met others from the forum. We share something so special that I know I couldent help but love all of you so much. I already do.

random thoughts

I found Nonna trying to read the National Enquirer the other day. Its like a gosupe magazine with crazy things in it. LOL good thing she cant actually read it anymore or she would be really upset.









I am so physically tired. I worked with my dad today on my 1964 and a half mustang. Its just a frame right now but maybe one day it will get finished. If I can just make more time to work on it with him... anyways just another thing i did not really get to do this summer. At least I got something done today.

*sigh*

yeah i am back again. I hate the movement of my life right now. Its not the being that it so hard, its the change that is. I don't even get comfortable in my apartment and I have to come home. When i get home my mom is not ok... she is in tears and she is mad at me because well idk i got out for the weekend... I am just so torn between the two worlds. I want to be a normal kid, but I cant. I want to be a good daughter and granddaughter but I cant. I CANT do it all. I am only one single person who is short and round. I don't even know if its ME who is demanding that I become both of these people or if its someone else. Maybe its my fault i feel this way. I cant make myself NOT though. :( I just want to be one person.

GOOOO but come back

OK OK I AM GOING ALLRIGHTY!!! ugg i leave after my hair appointment which is at 9:00am. this weekend is like practice for next weekend when i leave and don't come back. my computer will stay behind on this trip. i think one 48 hour period with out it is probably a good idea. so i will return Sunday night. i love you all. don't forgetz me... HA

I feel better I think

<--- ME lol

Nonna is home YAY! Just till 8ish until I have to get her back before she turns into a pumpkin. lol! It makes me happy to have her here... She will watch TV and probably fall asleep while I pack my car up for trip one to Rochester tomorrow. I wont let her see to much of my stuff because I know she will start to ask questions if she knows I am going to Rochester this weekend. She will want to know why, and then we will have to have the conversation about how I am 20 years old and how I go to college and all that stuff... and well I would rather not.

Anyways I want to say to all you friends of mine here, when you are sad I will be sad with you. I will sit with you and cry if you need to. I will rest my head on yours when you are feeling alone. If there is ever a way I can do these things for you. Just let me know and

I'll be there
"You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back. Where there is love, Ill be there. Ill reach out my hand to you, Ill have faith in all you do. Just call my name and Ill be there."

O_O NOT READY

OK I might be freaking out just a little. I am not ready to go back to school. I am not ready to move into my first apartment. I am not ready to not call this house my home. I have lived here my whole life and well I might never again. My heart is beating really fast, I have way to many things to remember, and I just cant stop thinking how much I will miss her. The idea of failure keeps running though my head as well. I mean I didn't do so well last quarter in my classes, what if I fail again? What if I just cant do it anymore? What if I wont be able to stand being away? Or maybe I will like it to much and wont want to go back to visit.

I feel like I am jumping off a cliff with my eyes closed and nobody to hold my hand. What would she say to me to make me feel better?


OH and adding this: WOW its been 100 posts to this blog. I never thought I would take to blogging like this. Its amazing. So thank you for reading. It does mean so much to me to share with you all. I hope for there to be another 100 posts...

Scanning so I wont forget

I am only 20. I could still forget that smile. I could still forget her kindness. I could forget how she was like. Almost half my life she has been sick. Thats not a long time but it is when you have only had 20 years with someone you love so much. I don't ever want to forget the way she was, but I can already see that I am.

So I spent 2 hours scanning photos today. I will preserve at least in a photographic form. Her smile, her eyes, her loving hug. There will be more photo's posted later. For now I just want to stare at this one. I miss her so much.

dont go back to college she said

I just had this whole post made up about how badly I hate the fact that I have to go back to college. I even said "no i just wont go."

BUT I deleted it. I read Lori's post and I just didn't feel right anymore. I should be braver, I should be stronger. Nonna if asked right now will say NO stefanie dont go back to college. BUT I KNOW she does not mean it. I KNOW she wants whats best someplace in side of her. I will cry now. BUT not for me. Self-pity is not what I am doing anymore. I am going to cry for those who are near the end. For Helen and her pain, and for Lori who has got the front row seat to one of the worst shows : death and pain.

the start of a new day

Its the start of a new day everyone. Work is over for the summer, its my time to get things done. I have to clean, organize, purchase all the stuff for my apartment. Plus i want to do some summer reading, work on my website, and scan in old family photos. There is no reason why I cant do all of this right? AND I wont forget to spend lots of extra time with Nonna, as much as I can actually. Stock up on Nonna time before its to late.

Might as well start now huh? OK OK i am going, i am going....

yesterday good today bad

Yesterday was nice. I got time alone and time with nonna. Bingo of course in the morning and then she had lunch. I left then and took care of some things i have been putting off for a long time. No family was around yesterday. I had the house to myself. Me and my Heidi (a dachshund).

Anyways today i woke up feeling terrible. I think i had a bad dream. I was supposed to sleep in but I woke up at 7 am and could not go back to sleep because i felt so sick. Today I have to visit a bunch of family. ALL day long basically. First my mom's side (nonna's) then my dad's. *sigh* Lets say the chance of having an ulcer by the end of the day is high. Oh and did i mention my brother is home. This automatically increases the arguments exponentially. Its hard to even find a place in my house where i cant hear it.


i hate Sunday's.

almost over

Its my last day of work. I am glad for it to be over but also when ever I do something for the last time I get sad. Its just I have grow accustomed to something and its hard to think i wont do it anymore.

My parents are gone this weekend. I should be happy with that but for some reason I am feeling so alone. The house will be empty I don't have plans for Friday or Saturday night. I will visit Nonna and it will be hard for me to go home to the empty house. She used to "take care" of me when they went out of town. She doesn't remember that now. The house has been empty for me since march when she left, i guess now its just literally true.

I left my heart in 3 North

My grandmother lives in 3North of a nursing home. I have spent more hours on this floor then anyplace else this summer. I have grown to love these people like my own family. Each has there own personality and not many people take the time to get to know that. I have seen a lot of them cry. I have seen a lot of them forgotten. They get confused and they yell. Its not perfect but if i don't love them I don't know who else will. Here is my heart.

Stella

Vergina

Rose

Mell

Marge

Kathrine

June

Jean

Jane

Frank

Elisie

Edna

Betsy

Anthony

Ann

Reason

The reasons I keep going come in many different forms. Its never something i expected. Its never the same twice. Sometimes I need a few things to make me remember its worth it. Little things that i don't notice right away. It has been June a woman on my grandmothers floor at the nursing home. It has been people from the Alz forum or the COPD forum. It has been a cousin who may not be old enough to understand but seemed to understand better then her parents. It might be words of wisdom found in a Sub Restaurant. Or it could be the discovery of a poet who expresses things that I feel. Once in a while its the feeling of appreciation, the feeling that i have done a good job with something. Its the feeling that things can change and they wont always be this way. Its being forgiven for something stupid I have done, and even harder forgiving myself for something stupid i have done. Its knowing that even though we are all to die alone, we live together. Its the clouds in the sky being white instead of gray. And the soft muttering of the words I love you from someone who doesn't normally say that to you. Whatever the reasons are the point is I will go on.

faded colors

cant remember home. full of empty things. life sways and jumps at random. to trust is to be flawed, don't trust. mistakes full of pain. like a blanket that is never warm. your memories guided. ideas taught. a blank face now. nobody worth loving. just a washed out creature wandering in the halls of this earth in the direction of the wind. if it wasn't real. if it was a lie. no its real. there is nothing else but faded colors now.

but its not you, its always been me.

Lion King

Here are Lyrics from a song in Lion King.  It was beautifully performed and
i hope you enjoy the lyrics like i do.

Where has the starlight gone?
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream
Lost to the night
Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break
Oh endless night
Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side
Guiding my path
Father, I can't find the way

alone

The weekend was fun. No human deaths, but my ipod Ralf did die. It was very upsetting for me. I loved that ipod and cant really afford a new one. Anyways if you ever get a chance in your life see Lion King. It is so worth it. It was amazing. The music, the visuals, everything just amazing.

Now that i am home and sitting on my bed again... i find myself worrying. How was she this weekend. Did they forget her, did she cry? How is it this summer is almost over? How come i cant make myself want to go back to school? Whats going to happen to her when i go back and how will i stay focused on school. These things just keep re-playing in my head over and over again like broken record. I can make myself stop for a min but it just comes back when my defenses are down. Then i feel sick to my stomach with worry. My head will start to spin. The distractions of New York worked but it seems i have fallen back into the pits as soon as i got home. and am i alone in this? maybe not but it sure feels like it.

New York City

The magic, mystery, and glow of this glorious city calls me. Its spinning heads scream my name and the yellow blurs on the streets wait for me to call them. The tall buildings wave in the wind as to flag me in. The colorful lights that never go out guide my path. I have finally found a place that moves just as fast as i do. Its never ending cycle comforts my mind.

I took that photo last year on my 2 day trip to NYC. Tomorrow morning I leave early and am spending one night in the city coming home Sunday late. I hope you all have a great weekend.

i am sorry nonna

Where am i and where is my mother
is that my husband or my brother
do i know the person sitting next to me
why do these people know my name

I will get angry if you don't tell me
and i wont believe anything you do
don't try and reason with me
or lie to me either

if you just stand really still
in the corner of my mind
not trying to help
or change me in any way

i might be ok
i might forget my questions
go on in happy ignorance
on this circle i have found myself in

A letter to the month...

Dear August,
Well hello there Mr. August, Its not so nice to see you again. I thought i told you last year not to come around this neck of the woods anymore. You just cant listen can you August. I don't want to move again- and I don't want to go back to school. I told you that last year but you still came again. Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Why cant you stay away Mr. August? Don't look at me that way... Its not my fault that you mean i have to go back soon. I didn't ask for school to start in September. Your hot, and sticky and I don't like you. Cant you take a hint I don't want you in my life. Take your birthdays and get out. Your not welcome anymore.

I wish to be left in July.

Sincerely,
Stefanie