2008, A New Year

After writing a whole lot about 2007 I did not really come to many conclusions about 2008. I realize I need it to be better. Not just for myself but for the people I love too. So should I sit here for a few hours and try and figure out one single key to making it better? No I don't think that is right eaither. There is no one true key to happiness, no one answer to how to make 2008 better then 2007. I poked around my large file of quotes to find a few that would express this better then I could. So here they are, and I truly hope they help you in your quests for a better year.

• "life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards"
• "Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
• "When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor, its to enjoy each step along the way."
• "A mind that is stretched by a new experiences can never go back to its old dimensions"

Happy New Year my friends, I love you.

p.s. “god bless the broken road that led me straight to you.”

Rewind and Rewatch: Year 2007

Faced with the task of looking back at 2007, I found I was first wondering about 2006. In the past I used Live Journal as a way to get my feelings out so I went on there and took at look at my 2006 year in review and this is what I found.

On Jan. 1st, 2007 at 12:32 AM I wrote:
2006 was a crazy year alright; it was full of ups and downs. I went to my first big drinking party. I made deans list every quarter. I watched West Wing all the way though- in order! I became really close to other people and moved away from some friends who caused me a lot of pain. Also a lot of stuff went down. We lost my uncle and well my whole family came together and I leaned so much about them all. My grandmother’s health is really going down hill, I can tell. I had to learn this year that she is not at all the woman I grew up with. It has not been easy being away at college. I did gain a cousin though. I also traveled to Italy with my 15 family members, and we made it back alive! I feel closer to a lot of people in my life and I hope that my relationships continue to grow as 2007 begins. After all that is really what life is about.

That was 2006, my first full calendar year away from home. It really was an interesting year. I am noticed some things that have remained the same this year, as well as some things that have changed. Like 2006, in 2007 I both lost a close relative as well as gained one. Everyone knows in the month or so I have lost my Nonna and gained another cousin (who is set to become my godson on March 3ed.) A lot more happened then that though. It was a year of change for me. I learned about my limits. About what I can control and what I can’t.

To start on a lighter note (kind of) here are some things other then family life that I experienced this year. I got my cartilage pierced in 2007 with out telling my mother. I don’t do a lot of things with out talking to her first. I wanted her to know I am my own woman, and I will do what I want. I guess its just one of those moments where you start to become an adult. Since I am here I can also mention in 2007 I saw one of my very dear friends almost die of Alcohol poisoning. I saw her spiral into bad drinking habits and even tried to talk her out of going to the Rugby party where it happened. Her blood alcohol levels were the 2ed highest NY state has ever seen. She was unconscious when they brought her into the emergency room, and she should have died. It scared me, and will do no doubt shape my thoughts on Alcohol for the rest of my life. As far as boys are concurred well I could have had a worse year, but I have NO IDEA HOW. I had a stalker friend, who was very forceful in wanting to see me all the time, and the fact that I was not interested did not bother him. Then another guy who thought it was cool to intimidate me into going on a date. Really I had no positive male relationships that go beyond friendship this year. Not that that’s new, because I never really have had a positive male relationship.

Let’s go back to January of 2007. It was my winter break just like it is now. I come home and was pretty well shocked at the steep decline of Nonna. For the first time I realized how much I was missing being at school. I am not talking about missing a party or something but missing a person who might not be around much longer. I also noticed just how hard all of this was on my mother. She seemed to be in pretty bad shape herself. We knew Nonna could not be alone anymore during the day. What was there for us to do? In order to try and help I did what all of you did at some point. I Googled “Alzheimer’s.” Its one of the first links that come up and as I poked around the site I found the chat room. I thought it was a crazy idea to log in but I knew I had nothing to loose. So in I went and there I met CC, Mag, Chris, and Casey to name a few. I could tell from the start that they were very caring people. So I went back every night that week I was home. Then when I got back to school I made time to keep going. Mostly because it made me feel like I was helping Nonna in some way by being there.

I also started to go home a lot more. It was not always fun going home for sure. Sometimes it was downright painful. My family a bit on the dysfunctional side of the spectrum, and well Nonna’s sickness brought out the worst in everyone. We were all frightened of losing the woman that connected us all. Things only got more complex as the year when on. Sometime near the start of the year Nonna got kicked out of the day center she was going to. This meant we would have to figure out something else. In home care was part of the new deal. That was a hard adjustment for everyone. I have never had a more awkward moment in my life then the time I woke up one day when on break and found a 275 lb, black woman, with 2 teeth missing, that I had never met before, sitting in my living room talking to Nonna. She turned out to be a really great lady but honestly that was just strange!!!!

March hit me like a ton of bricks. That month always seems to be pretty awful for me. My grandpa, uncle, and aunt all died in March of different years and in March of 2007 I was positive Nonna would join that group. A friend was visiting at the time from Oregon. Nonna woke up at around 10 having problems breathing. It was really scary and although I could have easily hid in my room with my friend I stayed with Nonna and I saw her eyes get really glossy. She was almost unable to speak. So my mom called 911. It was the start of everything bad. She was diagnosed with COPD after spending 2 weeks in the hospital. It was pretty clear there was no bouncing back from that. After 2 weeks in the hospital we decided together that her best option was a nursing home. It all happened so fast from there. The year ended horribly. I got my first college C, and I came right home.

When I did get home I found a mess everywhere. My family was falling apart. I tired so hard all summer to keep them together as well as keep myself sane. I was working almost 45 hours a week on top of spending most nights with Nonna at the nursing home. I made friends there that I never thought I would. I cried with them, and I laughed with them. When the end of the summer came I realized just how sad I was that I would have to go back to school. I did it though, and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. I came home weekends but it was not the same as being able to go visit her when ever I wanted. Every time I came home it got clearer to me she was going down hill. It was not until November though that she hit rock bottom. She died on the 14th of November. I thought I would be there when it happened but I wasn’t, I was stuck at school finishing my last final exam.

My Poetry teacher once said the best thing you can do to troubling thoughts is write them down. That way they are contained on paper instead of eating out your insides. I think that if she is right then maybe now I have put this year to rest, finally. If you read all of that, you are a true friend and even if you just jumped to the end I still think your a great friend. I could never have made it though this year with out you all. Thanks for being here, and thanks for promising to stick around for my future.

Reflect and look forward

As the year comes to a close I am faced with many thoughts. I have to look backwards and think about how this year went. What did I do that was good, what should I have done differently. Was I truthful to myself? Did I tell people who I loved that I loved them enough? Was I a good person overall? Its not so important what I think. Just that I learn for the future. So after I reflect I have to think about the next year. I need to decide some things. My direction for not just the next year but for the rest of my life. What will I do this summer for a job and what will I want to do when I graduate which is really not so far away from now. Its scary. Under no account am I not scared about my future. It scares the pants off of me just to try and think about NOT being a student anymore. Its all I have ever done. Anyways so this is me introducing my next few posts. So go ahead if you wish and read if you wish as I reflect and look forward.

Lord,

Take care of my friend David. He is such a good guy and I know he is hurting for the loss of his friend today. I wish so much I could give him my hand today. Watch over him as well as Jim's family. They are all good people who need a some comforting today. There road is not over yet.

I miss them.

I cant help but think about them tonight. They truly are a group of giants that maybe I never fully appreciated. They had long lives before I saw them in that place. They were people with wives, husbands, sons and daughters. They had pets and they did the groceries once a week just like me. Its almost easer to forget that they are like us. That way when you see them crying in the hall you can quietly walk past with out trying to comfort them. No I never could do that, I always stopped and tried to hold there hand. No matter what I cant watch them in so much pain.

I remember my first day on 3N. It happened so fast that Nonna went to the nursing home. It was a quick decision and then a quick placement because we were sure that this was our only chance to get her in someplace. It was the end of March and when we went up the elevator the first time I remember thinking about the smell. It was meal time, dinner I think, everyone was in the dinning hall. Thats not the best time to be there. Its nerve racking seeing all those people who cant even feed themselves anymore. The room Nonna was to be in was not cleaned out. There were things from the past owner still in the drawers. So we waited in the hall while the nurse removed some more things. When we put Nonna in her room for the first time, and she asked us for the first time (defiantly not the last), where she was I felt in complete shock. Alarms went off pretty fast around there. She had a mat by her bed that would go off if we moved, and her bed as well. So when I tried to sit down it went off, and when i tried to stand up it went off. I learned later how to avoid this but then I was ignorant. My mom left to get help and came back crying pretty badly. The nurse came in and saw this and just looked at us like "why are you even still here?"

I never knew back then what I would find in that place. I never realized how much I could love total strangers. They were not even half of who they could be if there health was better but I still saw so much in them. There were times when I felt like I could not do it anymore. Times I left there at 9pm and just wanted to cry so hard. Why should anyone have to be left in a place like that? I hated it. Death for most of them must has to be better.

Four of my friends that I posted about back in August have left this world. Of course plus my Nonna. All were giants, and I wont ever forget them. Please look back at my post, and remember them yourself. The more that know about those wonderful men and women the less likely that they will never be forgotten.

http://steflovesnonna.blogspot.com/2007/08/i-left-my-heart-in-3-north.html

late night thoughts

Sometimes I get scared thinking about it. The death I saw, and the one I didn't. I used to spend so much time wishing I was not there the night my uncle died. How awful it was for a 18 year old to watch. then just two years later I find myself wishing I was there for Nonna the way I was there for him that night. But I was not and I have to learn to accept that. Then this leads me to think of the others too. There life, and did they know how much I loved them. In my life I am not so good at saying those three words. "I love you." Its hard for me. I don't say them much to the people that really need to hear it. Did I forget to mention it to one of the ones I have lost forever? I find my self thinking this late at night. It makes me want to be better. It makes me want to never have to wonder again if the people I love know that I love them. I realize now.

The worst pain is the "I love you" never said.

We lost two this week:

We have lost two more angels from 3N of my grandmothers old nursing home. I spent so much time with them all this summer they became family. I miss you so much. I always wanted more for you. A better way to leave this world. I knew it would happen one day. Before the end of next year I am sure most of those I knew that summer will have gone away. I just cant help but have felt my loss all over again when I find out more have left this world.

For Kathrine and Frank.

For Cinn

My Angels,
Tonight I am calling on all my angels. To all those who I have loved and all those I have lots. I am calling out to you Grandpa, Aunt Julie, Uncle Vince, cousin Nicky, and Nonna I have a favor to ask. Could you please spend a some time tonight as well as in the next few days watching over my friend Cinn. She need to know she is not alone right now. Her mom died and it has been a long road for her. It should not happen at this time of the year but it has and I just need you to make sure she is ok. Could you also visit her mother. Tell her how much her daughter loves her. Be with her and her family to make sure they know that they are loved still by the people on earth. I ask you for this my angels because it is so important to me. I know how she feels and I know I had many angels watching me when you all departed this world. So for now go to her and bring her peace.
Stefanie

My loves (read if you dare)

I have not known a lot of old people in my life. Those who I have known have impacted me in a very deep way. They have changed my life for the better because of there experiences and wise guidance. So this post is for the old people in my life now and those who have left me behind to continue on in life. I have always valued you but until now I maybe did not know how much.

When I was 13 my Aunt Julie died. Her name was Angela actually, Jullinel is an Italian way to say it so shorted and made American its Julie. She is my Grandmothers sister on my dad's side of the family. So that would make her my Great Aunt Julie, but in my family none of that matters. She and my grandpa her brother in law owned a grocery store in the Italian neighborhood. When I knew her she was a pretty sick woman. She had diabetes and hardly ever took good care of herself. She loved animals so much that she always had at least one. She had a Tootsie I that was killed by my grandpa, and a Tootsie II who was killed by my aunt but that was before my time. Then she had Velvet and Peter. Don't remember Velvet much because he died when I was young but Peter was pure evil. He was a poodle and used to sit on my aunts lap and bite anyone who would try and pass by. He died of suicide we say, because one day my aunt woke up and found his dead body tangled in his blankets. She felt pretty awful while the rest of us were glad he was gone. I wrote her a note and said "I am sorry your dog died. My mom says your sad, so I am sad too even though I never liked that dog. I love you, feel better." I was maybe 10. The death of peter although tragic left an opening for a new pet. That new pet would be Heidi. I went with her the day she picked out Heidi. My mom even gave her the name suggestion. A German name for a dog that is originally from Germany. She loved Heidi, and so did I and she knew that. So when she went into the hospital 3 years later I was charged to take care of her until she was better. When they told me one morning that Aunt Julie had passed away I started sobbing right away. I had to stop myself though to ask "Who is going to take care of Heidi?" My dad who was very close to his Aunt said we would. And thats where Aunt Julie's story ended and mine began. I learned from her to love everyone even the animals. I learned from her to laugh when everyone else is laughing at you. I learned from her to keep family close and to care for them always. My Heidi serves as a reminder to me of that but she is getting old (12 years old) and I will have to remind myself in the future. I never did and never will doubt her love for me.

My grandpa. He died when I was 17 years old, three years ago this March. He was my only grandpa as my other grandfather (Nonna's husband) died when my mom was 13. With no other grandfather to be compared to I thought he was perfect. I still do. He cooked almost every Sunday for us when I was a child. He loved food and he loved seeing all of us get together and have lots of laughs. Laughing was maybe second to cooking in his favorite things to do. I still remember the way he used to laugh. It was a chuckle. Not to loud but always lasted a good long time if the joke was funny enough. He was good at telling jokes too. He loved all women, and even was kind of a flirt. He and my grandmother were very happy together for more then 50 years of marriage, luckily my grandmother laughed almost as well as he did at all is silliness. At the old store that he and Aunt Julie owned together they decided to sell fireworks which are illegal in NY. A policeman came in and asked who owned the store. My grandpa points right to good natured Aunt Julie. Well they take her away to the station and my grandpa runs home to tell his wife that her sister is in jail. When he gets there is is laughing so hard he can barely get the words out. I think my grandma was pretty wonderful not to divorce him right then and there! He was a joker that man, and I loved every single min I got to spend with him. I only wish I could have had more time with him. He died right before I graduated High school. I found myself wishing every day that he could have just been there for that. I know he would be so proud of me. He would have hugged me with one of his wonderful grandpa hugs, and I would feel the love. I learned from him the importance of laughter and a good meal. I also learned about love from this man who I never doubted how much he loved me.

My Nonna. I don't think I need to put much here. Everyone reading understands how important she was to my life. I would not be the woman I am today if it was not for this woman. She helped raise me, she was both fun to be around and a bit of a discipline figure sometimes. She would not let me get away with not doing homework because she knew I was smart and could do it all plus some. She had a whole life time before she met me, but when I was born, I believe she fell in love. So much so that she generously moved in to help care for me as a very small child. She never thought twice about that choice. Though her last years on this earth were not with out trouble I never once thought she did not love me. I truly believe that she is in heaven right now bragging about me and her other grandkids to my Nonno who never had the chance to met us. She loved me, and I know it always.

My grandmother who is still living. I have not always understood my grandmother. She can be cold at times even. I know I have always loved her. She raised my father and loved my grandfather. She has also helped me though college. Although her love may not always be so tangible I do believe she loves me always.

I love these people so deeply. Its almost as if they are apart of me. They made me who I am today. If when I am older I can begin to give back to people as they have given to me, well then I will be one very lucky old woman. Thank you to those who came before me. I could never forget any of you.

THE END

Don't you wish in life there could be simple and definite endings just like in a kids story book? I have felt for a long time like I have reached an end. Its not that I think I am done with life, but that well part of my life is over. Things are and things have changed. I think the only way for me to move on is to think of this as an end. Otherwise I will go crazy trying to go on like nothing has happened. I cant keep going the same way I was that is becoming more clear.

I visited her grave for the first time today. You would think that could make an end for me but it did not. There was no grass or even an attempt to grow grass. The dirt on top of her looks like it was just pilled there. Still so fresh and raw, and well unfinished. Just like my heart still. It seemed to only open up everything again instead of close anything down. Is there ever an end? Is there ever a time I can move on peacefully?

I forgot to mention the most important christmas gift I got. My mom said "its from Nonna." Its one of her gold charms, the one she used to wear most regularly. Its St. Anthony who's feast is on June 13th Nonna's birthday. I cried pretty hard when I put it on my chain right next to the one she gave me when I was born. I miss her and I cant make it end.

I knew it would bad

I knew it would be bad but is someone trying to tell me something out there? On top of all the emotional stuff going on inside my head this Chrismas I had to deal with a bloody nose on Christmas eve because my nose got in the way of my mom opening the door to our car. Painful as HECK. It hurts to touch and it hurts REALLY bad when i sneze. I had to ice it most of the night and then today a little too because its brusing on the bridge and I cant breath out of it.

My mom seemed to be having pretty regular break downs. My father and brother as usual were not helpfull and well I was hurt a lot too. (I am not just talking about the nose) I just wanted to try and be happy thats all. Why do I feel like it all fell apart right in frunt of my eyes... God I miss her.

Happy Christmas

Rosa came home yesterday. I think she convinced the doctors that she would be ok because at first she was not suposed to come home. Her and the baby will be staying with my Aunt for the time being. Lou her hubby has to work a lot of night shifts and right now Rosa cant really take care of the baby on her own. I am just glad she is ok, and that she is with her baby now.

My Italian Christmas will be different this year for sure. We have made a lot of changes to tradition, but also some thing we are still doing. I miss her an awful lot right now. Its like everything reminds me of her. From some of her ordiments on our tree, to the extra stocking on the fireplace. It hurts but I know she would want me to have a good Christmases and to enjoy my family because as we have learned life is fragile. Rosa was pretty bad off and so was the baby when he was born so we are really lucky to still have both of them today. So I will try and enjoy them and the rest of my little cousins as much as I can today and tomorrow.

Now as for the rest of you. I know your loved ones would want you to be happy as well. Please try and be strong with me. Happiness sometimes has to be a choice and I think today and tomorrow we must choose it will all our might. I love you all for being such a wonderful extra family to me. I hope your holiday goes well. Just remember even if something goes *Kaboom* in your face you always have me and the rest of this little family. SO:

Have a Happy Christmas and Holiday Season!

Rosa and Enzo

Rosa: She is not doing so great. We thought she would be home by tonight but they really dont seem to want to let her go. She is on a TON of drugs to try and help fight the infection but it's only suppressing the symptoms right now. I really hope she gets to come home soon. She is pretty sad about being away from her child again. I hate to see her in so much pain.

Baby Enzo: I went and baby sat after visiting Rosa. I think this says it all.

Time to put my "perk" on

I got home only a few hours ago. My mom is not home yet but my dad's office closed early so he came up and I showed him all the things "we" got for mom. Then he started a lecture. He said "Mom's been crying a fucking lot." He continued to say she has not been feeling well and he does not know what to do with her. He seemed pretty desperate. Its clear to me that while I was away my mom hit rock bottom. So now that I am home again I am going to have to be the perky one. I am going to have to put my whole mind body and soul into making this a half way decent Christmas. This means a lot of work and a lot of "happy" attitudes. I will do my best, for my Mom and for my Nonna.

My cousin Rosa who had the baby who is going to be my Godchild is back in the hospital. She has some kind of infection. They are not sure what is it really. I am going to go to her house and watch the kid tonight. I really really really need her to get better soon. I don't know how I am going to help take care of the baby and figure out this christmas stuff but like I said I am going to try. This might turn into a total mess. It might fall apart even before Christmas itself. AND WELL IF I FAIL WELL THEN GOD DARN IT I AM GOING TO FAIL WITH A PERKY ATTITUDE.

5 days to christmass???

I am still at school of course. I have work tomorrow morning and I have to finish up a few things after work before I can go home. It pretty much bites. I have no Christmas spirit as it is but being here just makes it worse. Studying and doing projects is not something you think of when you think of the few days before Christmas. I miss her more now then ever, not that going home will help but it will be nice to not be so alone. Everyone keeps telling me these dreams are a way of Nonna saying goodbye. Last night I had another one. It makes life harder. I woke up this morning at 7:20 after not getting hardly any sleep and I just kept saying to myself "I don't want to move." It just hurt to much. I want my old Christmas back, with baking cookies and being happy. I want my Nonna back.

old fashioned love

A poetic dialog with myself:
(this is inspired by Joanna's post)

Everyone keeps a pot in there closet. Tall and skiney or short and fat they all hold about the same amount of love. Some have spots or stripes while many are one solid color from top to bottom. Mine is purple, with little blue hearts. Its kind of short but also wide and the top instead of being round is more like a triangle. I keep it in my closet always and collect things in it. I collect my first morning hello's and last evening good night's. Last time I was home I got a few licks from my dog that I keep in there. There is lots in there from Nonna, every embrace I ever remember, every screamed "I love you." From my mom there is lots of worry, because her love never seems to come out just straight but more a little slanted when she says "Stefanie drive safely or I will kill you." When I look deeper down I find a few things from my father very odd things at there best. A small smile or remember the time he bought me a new printer because he knew I could not afford one myself. I put that in there because I knew he loved me then. I put a few things in there from you too. The last comment you made on my blog. The post you put on your blog when you knew I was feeling down. The fact that you let me into your family. Just reminders of these things. That way one day when I am under slept and under fed I can sit by my closet door and look down into the pot and smile. Smile because I know I have collected a lot of good old fashioned love.

All problems have an easy solution

It just so happens that I know for a fact that all problems have an easy solution. I also know that the easy solution to having bad dreams is not to sleep. I ever say the easy solution was the smart one. Its just easy.

Dreams

I am having them again. Last night was not nearly as bad as the first time. She was sitting at the kitchen table drinking thicken liquid and eating cookies. I asked my mom "mom is she really dead?" My mom said yes. "then why is she still here?" "I don't know" I sat at the kitchen table with her and just kind of watched her eat for what seemed like a very long time. I reached out to touch her hand and found out I could not. Then with out feeling much emotion I just started to cry. She looked at me, or more like she looked through me, because she did not say a word about how I was crying. She just kept eating and drinking and looking around. I went around to try and hug her but my feet could not get close enough. Then I woke up.

gosh what i would not do for a really good reason to not go to class today. i am really really now feeling it...

now

This time one month ago I was woken up with the call that I had been dreading for so long. I cried alone in my bed for nearly 2 hours before I had the strength to get up and go to my computer. Dave was online, so I told him. I posted on the forum. I posted here. Then I decided not to go on the forum for a while. So I did not for almost a week. The amount of responses I got was amazing. The people who care about me and my Nonna are amazing. I could never thank everyone on the forum, on this blog enough for just being here on that day one month ago.

Last night I had my first dream about Nonna since she died. It was a nightmare, and one I wont repeat on here because I hope not to remember it. I have my dream catcher but maybe this one was just to strong to be caught. I will probably spend all day trying to keep it out of my mind.

Prayer:
I love you Nonna, and I miss you and I wish you all the happiness in heaven. You deserve to be with your husband now and forever. Tell him how much I would have liked to have known him. Please also send my love to my Cousin Nicola, Uncle Vince, Aunt Julie, and of course my Grandpa. Tell them I loved them so much, and wont ever forget them. I will try my hardest to live to make all of you proud. I love you.

1 month

Its been a month. It feels like so long ago and also just yesterday at the same time. It hurts like it was yesterday but it seems so long ago that I was able to see her face. Its been longer then a month since I saw her, even longer yet since I saw her happy. I miss her so much. My mom said she would not send out the Christmas cards until it had been a month. Now that it has does that mean its over? Does it mean I have to really get over this? I have moments where I feel like I can, but they are normally fallowed my moments of shear terror. Not only am I not willing to stop grieving but I am afraid of not grieving. Is just been to much to handle this month, I wish I could spend all day in bed it hurts so much. I feel like crying.

Nature Photo's

I posted some of my nature photo's at the bottom right of my blog. Maybe you have seen some of them before but I thought I would point them out for anyone who has not.

Emily

To become a recluse, would it be all that bad? Could I live like my long time friend once did. She died years ago but I can still feel her soul in her words. She was not so much different from me. Raised catholic, but not sure thats what she believed. Sounds a bit like me. Then the fact that she went home at first to care for her family, some say differently. That she was afraid and heartbroken by the world around her, so she cut herself off. Sounds a bit like me. She was not considered great in life though, but in death we all bow down to her greatness. Will this be me? Should I just return now before my heart becomes even more shattered to a place where I can sit with just a simple pen in hand. Never to experience the world outside my brain.

throwing out the peanut butter

This morning I woke up to find an open jar of peanut butter on my desk, as well as a bag of chocolate chips. Its not that I did not put it there or something, but I just started to remember. Last night like most nights for the past 3 weeks I was sad and fed it with peanut butter and chocolate. So I slowly worked my body out of bed and over to my desk. I shut the jar of half full peanut butter and gave it a little squeeze. I knew it was time to say goodbye. I bought that jar a few days before Nonna died. I was here at school and my mom had told me that day that she was making substitute teacher plans so she could be out of school. That was her way of warning me of what was coming. I could hardly believe it. I tried to calm the beast by eating out of the fresh jar of peanut butter, and then adding chocolate when needed. I have not stopped since. Anyways back to this morning. I stared at the jar very intently knowing that both of my house mates had already left for class. So I walked downstairs in my PJ's and messy hair. Stood in front of the garbage can. The blood pulsing though me with a straight that would help me do it. So I threw it right into the basket and walked away as fast as I could. I then walked upstairs and washed and changed for class. When I left the house I knew I had stop letting myself eat that way. Nonna could not be an excuse for eating so poorly anymore. I had to move on. I will, I think I can.

In a way the stupid peanut butter was more then just comfort food. It was a whole lot of reservation that I have been holding on to. I need to start getting back some of my personalty that I feel like I have lost these past few weeks. Its not as if I am better now that the peanut butter sits rotting in the bottom of the garbage can. Maybe its just one step in a long and winding road. I beg you my friends, if you get the chance to throw out the peanut butter please do.

A Mass for Nonna

I am home for just about 24 hours. There is lots I need to do here. Maybe more like lots of things I want to do here. I went to a mass today for Nonna. If you don't know the practice basically in the catholic church you can pay about 10 dollars to have a mass dedicated to someone who has passed away. It was at a church on the north side of the city, thats where Nonna first lived when she came to America. I could tell everyone there was Italian. The area is not so exclusively Italian anymore but the people who go to church are. It felt closer being there. I am glad I got to go.

We also cut down our Christmas tree today. My mom fell in love with one of the first ones we saw, she said it was a sign from Nonna. I am not sure about that but its a nice tree. Nonna loved every tree we brought home. Christmas was so important to her and for all the right reasons. She loved so much spending time with family and giving us kids presents. Even though she never had much to give. She loved cooking and being joyful. I could not think of anyone who had a more beautiful Christmas spirit.

Lastly my mom told me today that Nonna did leave us some money. I thought she was pretty much flat broke and I never cared much. I am really glad though because my mom decided to spend it on fixing the house. Our sofa's are so old and uncomfortable (one of them is from Nonna's old house.) She is going to buy new ones and maybe she might have some money left over to help pay for another family vacation. Not that the money means anything to me really, but I am just glad my mom will get to have things in her house that will remind her of Nonna.

I guess none of this is bad really. So I am doing ok right now then. Thats new for me. Tomorrow I go back to school. Is that when it falls back apart?

thinking gets me in trouble... i should just stop

I think about everything. About my past. About my future. About others past and future. I even think about thinking. Thats what I am doing now right? When I hit a topic that bugs me I normally stop dead. It will fallow me around like a very annoying monkey clawing into my back. I will think and think and think for hours about the one topic that I can not resolve in my own head. I go off topic, but I always seem to come back to the thoughts that taught me with answers but never reveal them. Its like a puzzle or math problem that has no answer but always seems like it does. It could be something in my past. It could be something I am worried about in my future. Sometimes its to private to even admit thats what I am thinking about. So i just keep it hidden inside my brain and let it stomp around up there distracting me from simple tasks. Life becomes so difficult to continue on with when you have so many unresolved questions. What if I tried harder... I don't think it works like that. So this is me singing off, and going to try to stop thinking. Got any advice?

What will this quarter mean to me?

Its my third day of classes. I think I already know what the key battles will be for me. I have so much more class time this quarter. I have NO time for lunch breaks at all, so I am sure I will be hungry most of this quarter. Don't believe me? here: http://www.rit.edu/~srd0626/winter.html Thats my winter schedule. It may seem to you great that I don't have class till 10am, but when I cant try and sleep till 1 or 2am then might not fall asleep till later, it causes a problem. Its not that I could do it anyways its just I know I will be very tired, and underfed. Have I mentioned I am taking 18 credit hours and according to RIT 18 credit hours = 34 hours of homework. I am not even kidding, they say for each credit hour there should be 2 hours of homework. I have not taken 18 credits for a few quarters now, last time I did I was not working... I am working now. Anyways I could go on and on but I am going to stop.

Someone I don't talk to much IMed me earlier. He said “sometimes you just have to say "i'm happy" to make it true; even if it does hurt” I think that sounds just about right. One thing it does not address is: Do I want to be happy? It may sound like a stupid question but I think you all can relate to not even wanting to be happy anymore. I think if I can make myself want to be happy first then maybe I can make myself believe I am happy. Hope that makes sense to you all.

The world is painted white again

As the first major snow is raging outside, I find myself hiding in my room under crochet blankets. I got back to school yesterday. It was not so much leaving home that hurt so bad, but when I got here and realized I had to go back to "normal" now. The past two weeks have been totally insane. The lows and highs have been some of the deepest and tallest. I feel emotionally exhausted but all my friends seem so happy rejuvenated from there breaks. I wanted to see them, so I went visiting but I found myself brought to tears. I can't even explane why but I just could not be around them I had to run away and hide. I have not been so upset since her funeral. I spent the night in my room shut away even from my roommates. I feel like I am so different so sad that I cant even bear to do the things I used to. If I was home I might be ok, because everyone there went though the same thing I did, but here everyone is just happy. Maybe school work will distract me a little. I hope so because sometimes the pain is just unbearable.

Godmother Stefanie

I have never been so proud of a little baby in my life. I am going to be a godmother! My cousin asked me today. If you don't know, being godmother is a pretty big deal in the Italian world. It religious yes but also has to do with the parents giving the kid another person to look up to. I am so honored to be Vinchenzo's Godmother.

He is sick now though. He is still in the NICU. They had to put him on oxygen because his O2 levels were down. That scares me so much. It sounds familiar does it not? He is going to be ok though. He is because I am going to be his godmother. I think Nonna would be so happy today.

Here is my future Godson: (and yes a full head of hair and only a day old!!)

Sad

I got a sudden wave of sadness. I was setting up the Christmas decorations today for my mom. I know she wont do it if I don't and since I leave tomorrow I figured I better. It was the stockings. I took them out and realized there were 5. mom, dad, brother, sister, and nonna. It was so swift. Just knocked me right off my feet like a huge gust of wind. I flash back to every Christmas morning for the past 20 years. My mom and dad sitting on the sofa watching. My brother and me on the floor unwrapping presents. Then when we were done I would go wake her up. When we were younger she would wake up on her own but not recently. I would sit with her and help her open all her presents. She loved presents. She would be so excited for even just a pair of socks. She loved simple practical gifts. It just cant be Christmas with out her it just cant be.


Going up to see the baby now. He is in neonatal intensive care still. Seems like he is having some breathing problems. I really hope he is alright. I just cant take it if he is not alright. I miss nonna.

Vinchenzo Frank Trapasso

Welcome to the world my little cousin. You are loved so much already and your no more then 4 hours old. I wish the world for you. I know your life will not be easy, no life is. Its complex and there are many ups and downs. Chances are you wont have all the people you have today for your whole life. You have to love them as much as you can today, and when they are gone promises never to forget them. Live a simple but good life little Enzo.

I will post photos tomorrow of the baby. He was almost 3 weeks over due. He was due the day Nonna died. Mom is doing well, they had to do a c-section at the last minute because of some blood in her urine. He is still in the incubator so I did not get to see him today. Tomorrow I will bring a blanket Nonna made and give it to him. Maybe he passed Nonna maybe on his way here to us. I hope so.

Anyways tears of joy tonight... tears of joy.

better or better at hiding

The week is coming to an end. That worries me. Sunday I go back to school. It seems like years ago I was there. It seems like years ago I would worry about when to come home to visit her. Now there is nobody to worry about visiting. Except my mom of course. Its not the same though. No real need for it anymore. I feel so unsure about it all. About the rest of my life. About everything. I find myself starting to day dream. I will be talking to someone and thinking about something totally different. Its almost like I am in a different world then everyone else. I cant relate to them. What is going to happen me when I go back to school? Will I snap out of it, move on start thinking and dreaming of something new? Or will I be stuck, unable to move. I am scared. I am so scared. Afraid to keep walking and afraid to stand still. I just wish someone could give me answers. I wish that I could have had one last conversation with her. One more time she could have said my name. God when will I stop wishing for this because I don't know how much more my heart can handle.


ps Happy 201st post blog

updates

---> Death certificate came in the mail today. Says the cause of death is 1. Cardiac Arrest 2. COPD and 3. Alzheimer's. I guess I just did not think to ask when she died exactly what the cause was. In the same envelope from the nursing home is another womans death certificate. Somehow they mailed us hers by accident. After the shock of seeing Nonna's I guess I just did not care. My mom was more angry then me.

---> Process clean up. My mom keeps giving away things from Nonna's room. Seems like every day I hear her taking to my uncle or my aunt saying "do you want...?" Of course they want whatever it is. They want it all and my mom seems perfectly willing to give it away. Its not my choice I keep saying but don't I have any rights?

---> The coat. There is her winter coat in our down stairs closet. I was going to bring it up to her room so we could take it to the good will but somehow I just could not take it out of the closet. I can still feel her warn hands that I have not held for almost a month now. She has been dead for 2 weeks. Has it been that long??? I guess it has been. It still hurts like I was just told though. It has not gotten better. When does it get better? Does anyone know?

Three Years

March 2005: Its my senior year in high school. Not much more time to go before graduation. My mom tells me that my grandfather has cancer. I knew there was not much to be done about that kind of thing, but I guess I was stupid back then. My grandma seemed to be handling it all. Sure we visited him but we were not always allowed "in". My best friend's sister was set to get married some time in mid march. I was asked to photograph. It was the night of the shower. My parents dropped me off and picked me up and on the ride back home I knew something was dreadfully wrong. Nobody told me till the next morning though that he had passed away that night.

March 2006: Its spring break of my first year in college. I walk in the door and my mom and brother appear to be waiting for me. I knew my uncle had lung cancer but until now we had been hopeful. I thought that he would be able to live for years since he was just diagnosed a few weeks before. My mom said they stopped treatment and it would not be long. I only had a week off. I spent the majority of that week at there house. Waiting with family. When I was not at there house I was babysitting the children. Anything to help out. I was there the night he died. Right next to him when she stopped breathing, and I listened to every moan my aunt made. Nobody had to tell me he was dead that time.

November 2007: Finals week at school. I knew she was not doing great. She is so strong I thought she would hold out for me to get home. More then anything I wanted to be there for her and my family. I knew it would be hard, but I knew I had to do it. She died 2 days before my last final exam. I had to wait there. Wait to finish my exam and only then could I home to my family. I was closest to you, and I did not even get to say goodbye.

Three years have been hard. Three years I should have been growing into a normal adult but instead I feel more messed up then ever. I wish it was all different. I wish you could have seen me graduate from High School. I wish you all could see me graduate from College. I miss you. More then you could ever know.

blankets, scarfs, and everything crocheted

I woke up thinking of a time more then 5 years ago when Nonna made everyone in our family a scarf. Mine was purple of course. My brother had an orange and blue one for the basketball team in our area. My mom's was a teal. My dad's was gray. She made them for all her other kids and grandkids as well. Where did those go? I know we did not wear them much when we first got them. It was uncomfortable maybe? I started looking. I found a bag in the linen closet labeled: "Nonna's blankets" I remember about 4 years ago me and my mom had the idea to have her make baby blankets. That way one day I could have one for each of my kids. There is a bright pink one and a pale blue one. A yellow one and a white one. No scarfs yet. In the extra bed room, I find a basket of blankets. These are ones we used to use all the time but it seems like they maybe got replaced by something warmer. No scarfs in there. I remembered something my dad blocks the heater in that room with blankets to save a little money. I look over at the heater and I see something long and purple jammed in there. I pull it out and sure enough my scarf. Next I see a orange and blue one as well as a teal and gray one. I see now that we took advantage of her while she was here, just like the scarfs. Maybe we never fully cherished her until she was gone. I warp my purple scarf around my neck and sit in the cold room feeling the emptiness of my heart and the house.

So hard

Why is it so hard to breath. I never have had a broken heart like this before. I feel like everything is different but yet nothing seems to have changed. Its like being trapped in an alternate universe that looks just like the old one but with out her. It hurts so bad that I can't control my tears.

Thoughts

Yesterday I am sure was the start of something. Maybe the rest of my life. Maybe just a new phase. But there was nothing to plan. No funeral or thanksgiving. There was nobody to visit. No nursing home to rush off to. There was nobody to even cook dinner for so I eat rice from a bag. It was something new. Not sure I like it much yet though.

I miss her smell. Her over perfumed self. I miss the way she spoke. Half English half Italian. I miss her glasses. How she straightened them before she talked. I miss her clothing. Nothing fancy just plan.

Yesterday we got a letter from our local drug store. A condolence card. It was really nice of them to think of us. It made me feel pretty awful tough. I almost forgot about when she used to live with us how often I would have to go to the drug store to pick up her pills. She took so many pills it was an hour project to get them organized every week. Sunday nights normally my mom would do it. Sit around with her 15 pill bottles and put them into daily containers for her.

I miss how she used to talk about my wedding. She would say how much she wanted to be there and of course how much she wanted me to marry an Italian man. I am not sure I will ever be married. I am not sure I will ever even date an Italian man. I guess all I am sure of is if I do get married I will miss her so much on that day. Her earrings that she wore everyday of my life will be my something old, borrowed and blue. My mom promised me that.

What am I really thankfull for?

I have been thinking all day about how sad I am. About awful I feel. About just how much I miss my Nonna. What did that get me? Not much but an extra slice of chocolate moose pie that I did not have space in my stomach for. So here is my attempt to be thankful before the last few moments of thanksgiving is up.

My list of Thanks
-for the food around me
-my dog and her companionship
-Nonna moving in with us when I was born
-my little cousins
-my mom even when we fight
-the time I had with my grandpa
-A chance to get to know Nonna's life before me
-That I still have one grandparent here on earth
-For my Gale, Nancy, Lori, Betsy, Chris, Nancy M, and Johanne for being as close to big sisters and mothers as anyone could be on the internet.
-For Terry being a friend and father to look up to.
-For my grandpa David. Sticking around and never willing to give up and the strange kid on the east coast. OH and his Emily for adopting yet another cousin.
-The constant ability of my heart to stay hopeful for the future
-And encase I missed anything, I am thankful for love and faith.

Thanksgiving what?

Its pie day. (the day before thanksgiving) Who knew it could happen with out Nonna? She did not celebrate thanksgiving for the first 45 years of her life as she lived in Italy till she was 30. When my mom was 12 or so she made a big stink about not having a turkey like all her friends families did. So thats how this Italian family started celebrating thanksgiving. Now we do it all, just like good Americans should. Nonna used to tell me, "Stefania, I am Italian, but you, YOU are American." She had it pretty right I guess. Even last year she would help us make the pies. She could cut the apples, thats was easy enough. She loved food and family and any excuse to get those two things together was great in her mind. Its just not the same celebrating anything with out her though. Its not a celebration at all with out her singing through the house. I miss her voice so much already. I just cant bare to miss her anymore then I do right now. Its almost like the colors of the world are more dull with our her.

I hope for your thanksgivings you can find someone to hang on to. Someone who makes your colors bright.

Funeral and Wake over

Today was the funeral. I cried a lot of tears. It seems so imposable that she could really be gone. I find myself thinking about the things she should be doing right now. The things I wish she was doing right now. I find my self wondering about the nursing home. About her room- now empty. It seems pretty stupid to be thinking about this stuff when I just saw her body being lowered into the ground.

There was one good surprise today though. My mom decided last minute to do a Eulogy of sort in the church. She did not tell anyone so when the priest said her name I and the rest of my family was shocked. Not only was that a surprise but her words were as well. She said that we were here to celebrate two things. Her mothers death and her mothers life. She said how much faith Nonna had and how she really almost looked forward to the afterlife because she would join her husband. She then spoke of how caring she was in life. How she never wanted to hurt anyone ever, especially anyone in her family. She talked about her surprises to. How Nonna moved to America when she was just 30, and how she gave up so much to move in with her and her kids(me). She was a great grandmother to both me and my brother while we were growing up. So in the end my mother told me and the rest of church to not be afraid of taking a chance. To live life like she did because she truly had a great life.

I was so proud of my mother today. I realized that when I miss Nonna the most I wont have to go far to find her in my mother. We may have disagreements (a lot) but I am so proud to be her daughter today.

long long days

Its been such long days. Planning the funeral has been a problem to say the least. I am Italian so that means we argue. About everything. Always. The only time we stop arguing is when we are dead. So never the less we argued about every step of the planning today. It hurt me to see us all so angry but there was not much I could do. Tomorrow is the wake. It will be a very long day for sure. I just hope by the end I can still look at my family and not hate them.

Here is her Obituary:
http://www.legacy.com/Syracuse/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=98111193

home

god what a mess this is. i just got to my house after being at my aunts since i got into town. everything is a mess, and i don't mean just physically. apparently i look like crap, or at least people keep telling me. i guess i am most upset right now at how very unimportant i am. in the span of 87 years of this womans life i don't even form a dot.

tomorrow

Taking my exam in the morning and going straight home. I hardly studied. I am only doing this because its what my mom wants. Tomorrow I will be able to forget about school for good.

Wake on Sunday, Funeral on Monday. 4 out of town cousins coming in tomorrow night. Somehow none of it seems worth it. I wont be able to breath till Tuesday. Even then family will lurk for a week. I want to be with them, but part of me knows I need to do this alone.

Its hard for me to put into words my thanks to all of you. I guess I just did not know how connected we all are, that you all really do care. Just thank you.

its over

she passed last night after my uncle got there. mom called me a few hours ago. she begged me to stay and finish my exam. i guess thats what i will do.

Weird

Its weird how things seem to happen a specific way. This morning one of my only good friends called me. She lives in Portland. She was in tears, total tears, I could not understand a word she was saying. So I calmed her down in attempts to figure it out. She then explained that her mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital on a ventilator. Her mom is not much older them mine. Maybe 55 or 57. She has not been in the best of health though. She does not talk to her dad, and her bothers are well less then perfect. I am worried about her. She knew about Nonna, but not that she is almost gone. How do you tell someone that once they already have so much on there mind? She met Nonna more then a few times. I don't know.

Its weird thinking about my future. It weird thinking we no longer have to look for a new nursing home. I feel like there wont be any point left to anything after another week. Like my family will just stop functioning because we wont need to anymore. My family may not be like yours. We don't really get along. Will I stop even going home once I don't have a reason to anymore? Worst part is that I would not even be thinking about this if I was only there instead of stuck here. In hell. Just waiting for my final to be over and my life to totally change. These days could not seem any longer.

Believe

I keep finding myself thinking... its not true. She has been though so much lately this has got to be just another scare. So many times I have gotten phone calls and it has seemed like the end. Is this just another joke? Will I go home and find her wondering where I have been? Its not though. This is the real thing. She wont be there, or if she is it will just be her body. I wish I could know this for sure. I wish I could see her. Even my uncle will see her before I do. He leaves tomorrow to come back home. It does not make me any happier to know he gets to be there and I don't. I need to study. How do you study when you know your what I know?

My Whole Life

I know its not much, I mean I am only 20 years old but I have lived with her my whole life. My whole life I have been holding hands with this woman. I have not known anything else. She was there when I started walking. There to put my on the buss the first time, and every time after that. She was there when I got sick. She was there for our June Birthdays together. She was there when I did good in school- she would give me a few dollars for each A. She was there when I failed Math in the 7th grade. She was there I graduated High School. She was there when I left for college. Thats right I left her for college. I guess she must have been glad. I mean not on the surface but deep down she must have been glad. Not a lot of her grandkids went to college. I left her though, and now she is leaving me.

I am so afraid to call my mom. I feel like anything could have already happened but she just has not called me yet. I will call though, because its all I have. We have to do this one alone me and Nonna. I cant be there for her. Stefanina e Nonna sono solo mon.

Our Father
Padre nostro, che sei nei cieli
Sia santificato il tuo nome.
Venga il tuo regno.
Sia fatta la tua volontá.
Come in cielo cosí in terra.
Dacci oggi il nostro pane quotidiano,
E rimetti a noi i nostri debiti,
Come noi li rimettiamo ai nostri debitori.
E non ci indurre in tentazione,
Ma liberaci dal male.
Nel nome del Padre, del Figlio e dello Spirito Santo.
Amen.

Hail Mary
Ave, Maria, piena di grazia,
il Signore è con te.
Tu sei benedetta fra le donne
e benedetto è il frutto del tuo seno, Gesú.
Santa Maria, Madre di Dio,
prega per noi peccatori,
adesso e nell'ora della nostra morte.
Nel nome del Padre, del Figlio e dello Spirito Santo.
Amen.

the long goodbye

My mom is making substitute teacher plans. She called my Uncle- he is getting on a plane in 2 days if there is no change. Looks like she might not be waking up this time.

O.K.

Its been a bad few days but I took a shower this morning and felt like I was washing a little bit of it down the drain.

Mom says we wont be able to move her right away but we are going to keep trying. I got pretty bad about that last night but it does not help to be angry. She still will have to go back to that place when she is healed. We thought it would be better on the first floor but it only got worse. How do you deal with such guilt? Some good news the doctor said that someone needs to be at her side 24/7. This means a personal nurse while in the hospital. This is great and really what she needs all the time. We have said it before but now that the doctor ordered it we can sleep a little more soundly for now. The hospital is safe for sure. What will happen when she has to go back?

My throat feels better this morning. I think I am starting to recover. Thanks for all your advice and love. I look forward to eating with out pain. lol

Lastly I want to add this quote from one of my favorite TV shows, MASH. Last night when I remembered it I felt better. "Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice" ~Sidney Freedman.

Sorry

I guess I confused people with my frustrated update yesterday. I was and still am not feeling great so It was hard to put anything into type.

Yes she fell yesterday morning broke her nose and orbit bone, plus has a black eye and has a very bruised and swollen face. My mom called I wanted to hop in the car and drive home right away. I felt dizzy with pain and figured I would probably crash before I got half way there. They sent her to the normal hospital but they transfered her to a specialist at Upstate. Thats where I worked this summer. It makes me want to be there even more knowing she is there. She must be so scared and in so much pain.

I just talked to her again so I am adding this. She says she is very much out of it, they keep giving her morphine because she is unable to stay under control. Last night my mom was up there till 1am because they could not keep her calm. When she left Nonna freaked out and they had to tie her down. My mom is pretty angry that this even has to be happening. So she decided to try and get her into a different nursing home. I have told her before to try and get her transfered but I guess now its just very clear we need to. I really don't want her going back there ever again.

My throat is swollen pretty bad. I cant eat or drink much but I desperately need to get better now. I have a final Monday. I just need to finish this quarter and go home. Please let me just finish this quarter and go home. Please.

I asked my mom to put the phone to her ear. Her eyes were open but she was not talking. I said I love you and I could hear a gargle noise on the other side. She had a mask on but I could tell she was trying to say I love you too. I just broke down. Still tears and flowing down my face and I can feel my heart beat in my neck. She was trying to say I love you.

title

Phone call from mom: she has a black eye riped nasal cavity and broken nose. I thought she was supposed to get better care on the first floor. I feel so out of it. I wish I could go home now, I really want to go home now. :(

my throat hurts almost worse then my heart

sickness update

I felt wore this morning so I made myself do it. I went to the health center and course there was not much to be said. They thought it was mono, so I had to pay 6 dollars for them to figure out it was not. She said it was not strep. Then she asked the big one, "how is your life going? Are you eating well, sleeping well, and not to greatly stress?" I said "ummmm" for about 25 seconds before I said "a little" Basically she yelled at me for 1. not coming in sooner and 2. for not taking good care of myself. Then she sent me out there with the only advice to sleep, eat, drink, take 2 alive twice a day, and mucinex. Why was it I had to come in earlier for someone to tell me that again?

idk I feel really crappy even with the prescription strength alive dosage. i just want to go home now. :(

I give up

Health Center Appointment for 11:15, I hate doctors.

This is Nonna on good old 3N, her home since march. Not anymore though. She was moved to the first floor. Its not that it has changed anything for me. I have not gotten to see her since the move. I just liked knowing where she was, exactly and the people she would see everyday. They knew me, I am the young girl with the camera. Some even remembered that I go to college. Thats more then what Nonna remembers. It was not a great view from 3N, its in the city so everything is ugly. I just had gotten used to it thats all.

I remember when I was a kid I used to cry a lot. I had some kind of strange separation anxiety, like the kind puppies have when there past owners did not spend enough time with them. Except I would not chew at the furniture I would just cry if someone tried to leave the house with out me. Nonna would be gone for just a half hour and I would be crying for more then an hour. She would come home and find me in the same place she left me. She would make me some food and then I would feel better. She believe in holding your head up high no matter how afraid you are. Sometimes I still feel like that kid who does not want to be left alone. This time I have to make my own food, and I cant cook to save my life. She is leaving me for good and I cant even be there to say goodbye. What would she want me to do? I know she would want me to be strong. Keep my face to the clouds. I know this in my heart and in my head. So I am trying, I really am.

white light

I am walking towards the light, and gosh darn it I am taking you all with me. After all what is the after life with out a few good friends to chat with?

you got me

A friend got me thinking...

Why does god choose one person to join him and not another? I want to understand I do. I want to have faith that Nonna still has work to be done here on earth but its just so hard to see it. This might be the most selfish and terrible thing I have ever said on this blog before but I feel as if I have to say it now. When my good blogging friends lost there loved ones I almost felt forgotten. Just another finger pointed at me and my grandmother saying your different. You don't get peace yet. I have for a long time struggled with feeling like I don't fit with this group. I am 20 years old. I go to college. My grandmother is in a nursing home. I don't even live in the same town as her anymore. I feel so different so much of the time. I cant fit in with people my age, and I cant fit in with people who are 40 something and have lived so much of life.

I also wanted to add. I did not realize that I was the first of most of us to start blogging. Now it makes sense because when I started in April nobody would respond at all. It was Nancy who first responded to my blog in April but she did not have a blog back then. It was not until July 26th that I got responses from some of the people (Terry, Lori, Nancy) who now regularly visit my blog. Its funny looking back at this family and how we started. After that hardly a post has gone by with out a comment or two. Thanks for reading guys I don't know if I would still be bothering with this blog if it was not for you guys appearing and making it all seem worth while.

PS Betsy your the only one who OUT-blogs me from the people I link to on my blog! lol why did it take us so long to find each other?

AIM or Yahoo

Hey does anyone here use AIM or Yahoo? I talk to Gale and Dave on those but I was wondering if anyone else had it? If you don't but want one its free and I can send you the link. I think it would be nice to talk to any of you in more of a conversation form sometime.

November

I like to start each month thinking about what I expect from it. Will I be happier? Will I fall in love? Make new friends? Met old friends? Trust someone new? Loose someone? Will I cry more? Will I change? Will I stay the same? Will the world change? Will I fall bigger then I ever have? Or will I fly higher then I ever have? There is no way to really tell what this month will bring. I could spend all month guessing and therefor prevent anything at all from happening to me. I may be frightened of change but I might be more frightened of nothing changing. What if the end of this month comes and I am in the exact same place I am right now? I guess then I will have to wait for December.

Nonna update: I have been so sick lately that I have not been paying as much attention as I normally do to Nonna on this blog. She has been moved to the 1st floor of the nursing home now. It sound be better but I worry that it will only confuse her more. She was in a very small way getting used to the people on 3N. If she was not well at least we were. The first night she was moved she fell. She has been in bed since. Her O2 levels are not right. The past 2 days she has been fighting that and not much else. Don't ask me if this is something big or just another bump in the long road ahead for her because I don't know.

I know I am loved

This online community we have here as always been an extra source of love for me. It might be an email or a post on my blog or maybe a letter in the mail, I have known I am loved.

Today I got a package from Londa. Some of you may know her. She is an extremely loving woman. She sent me a dream catcher. It is so beautiful I just love it. Even though you probably wont see this, Thank you Londa.

yay? no.

Going into my last two weeks of the quarter. It seems to be that I am getting sick. AGAIN. >_< I am getting so tired of being tired. I am getting sick of being sick. I am stressed about being stressed. Do you understand my English? I keep spinning as fast as I can to keep up with the world but all I get is motion sickness.

SRD-
Just write your dam paper, finish your dam project and try and get some dam sleep. OH and go buy some dam cold medicine, who gives a crap that its you cant really afford it.
-SRD

dont look at me like that

a list of things on my mind:
-Nonna's low o2 causing her to collapse yesterday
-My mom's mental state after such event
-Only sleeping an hour last night
-My parents fight
-Phone call from dad?
-My paper that I have not started yet (due Wednesday)
-My project that I have not gotten film back for yet (also due Wednesday)
-2 weeks left in the quarter???????!!!!!!!!!!
-My stomach and neck

ok thats all i got right now

Trying something new

All this blog talk has gotten me thinking about how I really like to write. Not normal writing, but poems. A few of you may know this already or have picked up on it, its not important. I have been writing for myself in a word document for about a year now. About 45 typed pages of poems. I think I want to share them. I am going to try it out. In a new blog but I am not going to link it yet on my main blog and I would hope that you all don't link to it yet. I am not sure if I am ready to share some of these so I will go slowly. I trust you all enough so here is the link:

http://poemmylife.blogspot.com/

My poems are my deepest thoughts. There is nothing more but them.

yesterday

My yesterday went well so I figured I would post about that instead about my today. I got to spend time with a friend I have not seen in a while. I got to have a small conversation with Nonna, who was very confused, but it did not matter because I got to hear her voice I have not hurd it in a very long time. Lastly I got a belated Birthday present from an out of town friend. Its not so much the present but the reminder that she cares that made me so happy. I was reminded yesterday that tomorrow can be ok.

*cough cough*

I am designing and helping with another friends blog. Also met him though the Alzheimer's Association. This friend has a lot of stuff to say, I should know he is my grandpa. Anyways please take a look at his blog. You wont be disapointed.

http://davescogitations.blogspot.com/

OH and read his first posts backwards, start down at the bottom post and read up. THANKS

new blogs for one and all

Change. Its bad and it is good. I reworked my blog and Gales today. Take a look at her's please Its prettier then mine! Anyways Change. They want to move Nonna to the 1st floor of the nursing home. They say there they are better equipped to deal with someone in her state. I don't quite like this idea. We have gotten used to the people on the 3ed floor. They know her, and in a way she knows them. Whats the point in changing all of that? Its not like I have a say in it. My mom and Aunt will make the choice for all of us. Then I will learn to deal with it. I just hope whatever happens is the best for Nonna.

Its something...

Maybe I just needed a break of a few days. I feel a bit better now. I know you all want an update on Nonna. She seems to have gotten back into a holding pattern. She has bad nights. Most every night, she gets angry to the point of hurting herself and the nurses. She wont use her bi-pap and she wont use the oxygen. The cant give her sedatives because that makes her unconscious. For now she gets a few good hours a day. When someone visits her is the extent of it. I wish I could be there for her and add to her few good hours. I know if I was there I could help. I think thats been really hard for me the past few days. I have been missing her so much that I am almost crawling out of my skin to get home. I came up with something though. Its not a lot but I figured out that Nonna does have a mailing address. So I am going to in the spirit of GLO start sending her letters. I don't think she will be able to read them. I am hoping that my large words might be able to be processed. Or maybe my name will trigger something? I put a dog sticker on the first one. She likes animals so maybe she can at least look at that. I just miss her so much some times. I think this might help me more then her.

thank you my friends for always being here.

dont feel much like it anymore

i don't feel much like blogging. i wanted to get back into the forum a bit but when i returned i found it broken. i found disaster. so i don't feel much like going on there anymore. it used to be about caring and support. i don't know what it is about anymore. i will just hide i guess. hide in my room away from realty and hide away from virtual life. its not that i don't have an excuse. sure i could say i am doing homework. that not all a lie. i would just rather be alone thats all.

i will tell you now...

Two days ago it seemed like she was coming out of it. She was sitting up and she was eating some. But that night she had other plans because she tried to escape. The nurses said they have never seen someone of her shape do what she did. Nonna smacked the nurse ran out her bedroom door with her purse screaming swinging her bag almost hitting some other patients. They did not want to hurt her so they stayed a foot behind her as she slowly ran away. This went on until she finally collapsed on the floor. This would be bad enough right there but there is more. The nurses (not even really nurses) decided to give her a Zantac to calm her down. The doctors told us never to give her a narcotic because of her COPD it slows down her heart rate to much that her oxygen levels go down to far. And that happened. She fell into another almost coma like sleep and the nurses did nothing until my mom got there and told them to put her into bed and put her breathing machine on. It helped slowly to bring her o2 levels up but she was not coming out of it. This bring me to yesterday when i got there. It was not her I saw. It was just a body that looked like her. She was sleeping hooked out to all her machines wires, tubes everywhere and when I tried to say hello to her she could barely open her eyes. I felt terrible. I still do. I miss her even more when I think of her like that. I feel helpless. I cant even take care of her she has to stay in the nursing home where nobody gives a dam. She was sleeping in her clothing! We asked them to change her and I helped a little. She made the saddest sound as we undressed her. Her eyes never opened though. I am afraid for her. I am afraid for my mom. I am afraid for myself.

God, someone, please help us.

maybe tomorrow

I don't have the heart to update tonight on Nonna. Maybe after I make it back to school tomorrow. :(

Home in the morning

I will be going home tomorrow morning. It might not be what is best for my school work, it might not even be what my mom wants... but it is what is going to happen. I need to find out for myself how she is. I need to know or nothing will get done here. Its not that I am not afraid... because I am. I am very afraid of what I may find and if I will be able to leave her. As a very dear friend told me I just need to have some resolve. I will try and find that tomorrow.

always different

Yesterday when my mom called me i thought i could tell in her voice that Nonna was not going to make it more then a few more days. That might still be the case but with new developments i am not so sure. The tests came back negative for a stroke so i guess they figured they should just send her back to the nursing home. Nothing they can do at a hospital for her. Hospitals are for people who have a chance of getting better. So I guess for now she is bed ridden in and out of consciousness at the nursing home. Just like the others i have seen. just slowly melting away. it could be tonight, in a week, or even a month or two. I just hope when it is time she wont be in any pain.

do you know what time it is?

up at 6am to register for classes. not that that was a problem because i was not sleeping in the first place. i just watched the minutes and hours pass by on my digital clock. i would lay strangely tonight. no blankets. i felt like i wanted to be cold. plus all my blankets remind me of her. she crochets, made most of my blankets. i just tucked my teddy bear under my chin and pulled my knees up towards my chest. sometimes i would have to feel my heart just to make sure it was still going or was not going to fast. i stopped crying at around 3am. i think i ran out of tears. now i feel as dehydrated as a wildebeest during the dry season on the savanna. my head is pretty light and my hands as well. i wonder how she is right now. same? will she ever great me again? will she ever make another blanket?

in a way i wish i could turn off comments about now. i feel as if i would rather just pretend to be alone. like nobody cares. its easer if nobody cares.

something new

They think she had a mini stroke. She is unconscious. More tests in the morning. The past two nights were terrible for her. At least tonight she will sleep.

Nobody is going to make this easy for us...

It seems like sometimes a loved one just starts to slip so easily into the final phase. Death may come fast for others. Like last bump on a long slide. Its not going to be that easy with Nonna I can tell. She was always a fighter. She never gave up on anything so easy. She wont give up even know when she has nothing left.

She cant maintain a good level of oxygen on her own. This is something we have known for a while but well its hard to address. She does not have the normal adult mind that most have with this COPD disease. She pulls out her oxygen and refuses to use the bi-pap machine at night. So she has been in a sense going untreated. It was only a matter of time until this happened. I get the feeling from conversations with my mom that there are some choices we have to make really soon. Or more likely some choices she has to make soon. Do they keep trying to force her onto the bi-pap? Do they make her take oxygen all day long? Or do they just watch her die? She wont go back to the way it was. She reached such a low level of oxygen that she might not be able to do much of anything anymore. A vegetable maybe. Its hard to see from here exactly whats going on. I know my mom sugar coats things. So if she says its bad, it must be pretty bad.

I want to believe in a god, I do. But I find I am unable to pray. So instead I will blindly hope that she passes peacefully. I will hope that my family will survive this. I will hope that I will never forget my grandmother. I will just hope. Just hope.

my heart, my hands

I will continue with my work. I will go to class and sit for hours trying to focus on homework. I don't get to be home. I don't get to be with family or with her. I don't get to know what is going on all the time. I get to do homework. I have to write papers. Fact is though that my heart hurts. I never thought it was possible for a heart to physically hurt. Like if i take an aspirin with it help? My hands feel light. They shake a little when I try to type. I find myself wondering maybe they just haven't gotten to calling me yet. Will I never again get one of her hugs? I write papers. But my heart it is not the same.

thanks for all your love and support. just thank you so much.

GOD DAM IT

Today was better. I felt good for a while. We were together and I was glad. We had breakfast and went to Barns and Nobles. I bought a poetry book, she bought an economics book. It was all going to be ok.

nope. They took Nonna to the hospital. She feel more then 3 times. She was larthargic. I don't know what else because I am still here. My mom went home of course as soon as she found out. No I am here. WHY! I DON'T UNDERSTAND. NOW? IS IT NOW? CAN YOU JUST TELL ME IF ITS NOW? OR IS THIS JUST ANOTHER GAME YOUR PLAYING WITH MY HEART?

i am just so afraid.

mom visited

My mom came up today to visit. She is spending the night as well. She is upstairs in my bed right now sleeping. I am on the sofa hoping it gets more comfortable. Today was stressful. I kept tried so hard to keep it in. I wanted her to have a good time being away for a little while. Now that she is in bed I find it really hard to stop crying. I had a dream last night that when she got here we got a call that Nonna had passed and nobody was there with her. This on top of the constant arguments (underlying mostly) I just need to cry thats all. Its to much feeling. I can only feel so much before I end up like this. A wet mess.

a miss

A miss in my heart and in my throat

Like an empty space that can only grow

With every heave of growth the pain becomes unbearable

No cough remedy will help

Ibuprofen wont make it go away either

No my cure has gotten away

So I feel my miss all over my body

Pending my vanishing date

Imagine

Imagine this being your child.

In Northern Uganda it is happening.

They live in fear every day. Its beyond fear as they put it. The parents are killed and the children are abducted. They are trained to kill by the age of 5. Brainwashed to know nothing else. The ones that avoid being abducted have to hide at night. Hide because they have seen full well what will happen to them if the rebel armies find them. These kids still remain hopefull. They have hardly any food, no family and there friends are being killed every day... but they have hope. We really must learn from them.

Taken from the website (http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php):
"An entire generation has never known peace. Tens of thousands of civilians have been mutilated or killed by the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) in Northern Uganda for 20 years. Since 1986, the leader of the LRA, Joseph Kony, has abducted and brainwashed more than 20,000 boys and girls to fight as child soldiers in his militia, with roughly 12,000 abductions occurring since 2002. As a result, 250,000 children in all of Northern Uganda currently receive no education; 737 schools (60% of the total) are non-functioning because of the war, leaving the schools that are functioning grossly overcrowded, with 300 students for every one teacher."

Dear Nonna

I found myself thinking, I wish I could write you a letter. So here I am writing to you. You wont ever get my letter, but I don't think that really matters.

I miss you. I miss you more then I ever thought I could. Pretty much every day when I am in class or having lunch I think about you and what your doing. I hope your happy. I hope someone really kind is looking out for you. You probably would tell me thats silly. You probably would tell me to "chul up" and focus on work. Its hard though. Its harder then I could have ever imagined.

My classes are going ok. I have a few good friends. Some I have met before some I only know though the internet. You would laugh at me and say they cant possibility be friends. They are though, maybe some of my best. They watch out for me, just like you used to.

Do you remember the story you used to tell me about the woman who worked so hard for for such little pay, and then at the end it was stolen away from her by a thief? Well Its hard to believe someone ever working so hard for such little money but I am starting to understand a little better. I know you never had a lot of money but wouldent it be nice? Just not to have to worry about making rent every month. Do you remember when you told me I could have your car one day? I was only 12 or so but I still remember that. You were always obsessed with your death. I think you were maybe just as morbid as I am.

I love you so much. I really just wanted you to be happy.

toa Nipote, Stefania

l'amo alla fine di tempo

one thing over

I was going to title this post "its over" but then I realized that people would get the wrong impression. Anyways back to what is over... MY exam. The exam from hell. If I believed there was a hell which I don't think there is. Anyways its over and not sure if I am glad or just annoyed at it. Now I have a paper due Wednesday that I have not started.

I had this conversation earlier with a one of my only good friends. We were being silly and talking about my ability to beat someone up. He said I could really deck someone if I wanted to. I said I would never and he agreed that I would never hurt someone. But then he said well there was one time he could see me punching someone in the face. That would be if Nonna passed away and someone "messed with me." We were mostly being silly but I think he made a good point. I only hope when it happens I don't actually hurt anyone.

thanks

Thanks for being supportive. Thanks for your stories. I would love to hear more from all of you about the topics you responded with. As much as I love you all I know that I need to figure this out on my own.

Nobody can tell me to believe and then I just do. I don't think its something that can be proven to someone else. I have to figure this one out on my own. I am going to give it time. I think once things change for me I might be able to look back and decide what I am. I need to be unsure right now.

I talked to Nonna last night. Not on the phone but in my head. I think she would want me to figure it out for myself. After all she has such strong faith I am sure that she must have doubted it at some point right?

I dont have it.

Maybe because I am young. Maybe because I know badness. Maybe because I don't trust well. Whatever it is I can see I don't have what the rest of you have. I don't have faith. You cant look into the mirror and notice, oops I forgot to put on my faith today. Nobody will point it out to me, hey why don't you have faith? Its just my heart that tells me I don't believe. There are times I want to. There are times I feel like I could. Did I drop it? Did it flake off me or slip though a broken pocket? Why didn't I turn around and pick it up when I first noticed it was gone? Can I ever find it again or is it lost forever in a vortex where every lost soul's faith goes. No I am not like you. You cant see that. But I can feel it.

4am

Insomniac at
4am plus 3
sleep is a joke
working is a chore
nobody to talk to
4am plus 4
wasting time
resting my head
eyes don't close
4am plus 5
thinking fast
try to finish something
forget and give up
4am plus 6
still nothing

said by someone better then me:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/148

and if you liked that one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipfqKyxm5Hc

its not enough but its all i have

Its not enough the information I am getting about her. Its random and the sources are not very reliable. I cant help but still think about her though. I look down at my poli-sci essay and all I can think of is what is she doing right now. I look at my photography project and all I can think is how does she feel right now?

God I am trying to do what you want me to. How do I know this is even the right choice? I wish it was easer. I wish I had more faith in you. I wish I had more faith in myself. Just help me get though midterms. Please god.

drugs

I am not there so how do I know for sure? But she is really bad off right now. She is refusing to do almost anything. She wont eat or keep her o2 on. She cant stay calm anymore. Its like she snapped or something. She decided not to deal with anything anymore. My mom says they might have to give her drugs to relax her. The problem is that last time they did that she slept for more then 48 hours. I don't know is there another option? Will she start to sleep now and not wake up again? I don't know I worry so much. How do I pass my exams when I cant stop worrying?

I feel like I am playing the game of life and I am loosing terribly.

your throwing empty car's at me now??

You know your having a strange day when: I get out of my car this morning at the parking lot at school and walk about 5 steps when I start to see an EMPTY car move towards me. It rolls forward almost hitting me but instead hits the car next to mine. It breaks there rear light, just missing me. Is this supposed to mean something??????? If so WHAT!?

Guys are dumb or jerks: In the same day (today) a jerk guy who asked me out once before tries to pull some stupid move on me. I could have smacked him, I really could have. BUT this other guy I have liked for a while who I sit next to in class who I keep making conversation with wont even ask me out to dinner or something. I know he does not have another girl friend, or class after ours. I hate guys.

Ya know there is only so much I can take when I have not gotten more then a few hours sleep in total all week. I think I am going to take a few min nap...

I am tired of trusting people and being disappointed. People everywhere disappoint. I want to believe in the goodness of humans. I want to say that everyone has a caring soul. I have felt hurt to many times to keep feeding myself this line. I don't want to care anymore. The more I care the more I get hurt. Maybe its better to just go it alone.

candles, tissues, and two hours of sleep

I stayed up late last night to study for a quiz today and well I think I learned my lesson... I know I did not pass that quiz so what was the point in me staying up late for it? So I am going to try and a different attitude now.

Right after class I went to the store and got tissues and candles. The tissues for my cold and the candles for my soul. I never was allowed to light candles in the dorms and well my mom does not like candles so I never had them at home either. Its not that I can smell them much now because of this cold but I just like having them lit. Its comforting.

I have to try and get more sleep but I know it probably wont happen this week. At least I have to try and stay calm. If I get myself stressed out more I will just put myself out of commission completely. I have had small panic attacks before but nothing that I cant get over in 20mins or so. I just don't want it to get worse. If it does I might have to force myself to see a doctor because I know thats what everyone here would tell me to do. Thanks for caring guys I am going to try harder myself first before I go to see a doctor thats all.

panic

I am pretty sure I am having my first panic attack of the year. (see below for reasons) It only got worse during the day...

Midterms, Family, Friends, Sickness

I have midterms. One today and then 2 next week. One of the ones I have next week is in the class that I am positive will be the death of me. I have to start studying now and not stop until Monday night when the exam is over. I am really gonna need a sedative that night because Monday is when my take-home midterm is due. X_X

My family said buy to me for a while. I wont go back for as long as I can handle it. Its so much more complex then what I can explane here. It just took way to much out of me to go home. I can not go back. Not for a while. Nonna cant even keep me there. And if you don't think that makes me really sad well then you don't know me at all.

This organization that me and my friends help out with has meetings Sunday nights. I went to the meeting and it was just such a mess. The president is not being a leader in the least and we argued over the sillies things. It puts so much tension between me and my friends. Its not like we were great before but now add this into the mix I bet I wont see many of them for a while.

Oh and did i mention I have some kind of cold?