throwing out the peanut butter

This morning I woke up to find an open jar of peanut butter on my desk, as well as a bag of chocolate chips. Its not that I did not put it there or something, but I just started to remember. Last night like most nights for the past 3 weeks I was sad and fed it with peanut butter and chocolate. So I slowly worked my body out of bed and over to my desk. I shut the jar of half full peanut butter and gave it a little squeeze. I knew it was time to say goodbye. I bought that jar a few days before Nonna died. I was here at school and my mom had told me that day that she was making substitute teacher plans so she could be out of school. That was her way of warning me of what was coming. I could hardly believe it. I tried to calm the beast by eating out of the fresh jar of peanut butter, and then adding chocolate when needed. I have not stopped since. Anyways back to this morning. I stared at the jar very intently knowing that both of my house mates had already left for class. So I walked downstairs in my PJ's and messy hair. Stood in front of the garbage can. The blood pulsing though me with a straight that would help me do it. So I threw it right into the basket and walked away as fast as I could. I then walked upstairs and washed and changed for class. When I left the house I knew I had stop letting myself eat that way. Nonna could not be an excuse for eating so poorly anymore. I had to move on. I will, I think I can.

In a way the stupid peanut butter was more then just comfort food. It was a whole lot of reservation that I have been holding on to. I need to start getting back some of my personalty that I feel like I have lost these past few weeks. Its not as if I am better now that the peanut butter sits rotting in the bottom of the garbage can. Maybe its just one step in a long and winding road. I beg you my friends, if you get the chance to throw out the peanut butter please do.