I know I am loved

This online community we have here as always been an extra source of love for me. It might be an email or a post on my blog or maybe a letter in the mail, I have known I am loved.

Today I got a package from Londa. Some of you may know her. She is an extremely loving woman. She sent me a dream catcher. It is so beautiful I just love it. Even though you probably wont see this, Thank you Londa.

yay? no.

Going into my last two weeks of the quarter. It seems to be that I am getting sick. AGAIN. >_< I am getting so tired of being tired. I am getting sick of being sick. I am stressed about being stressed. Do you understand my English? I keep spinning as fast as I can to keep up with the world but all I get is motion sickness.

SRD-
Just write your dam paper, finish your dam project and try and get some dam sleep. OH and go buy some dam cold medicine, who gives a crap that its you cant really afford it.
-SRD

dont look at me like that

a list of things on my mind:
-Nonna's low o2 causing her to collapse yesterday
-My mom's mental state after such event
-Only sleeping an hour last night
-My parents fight
-Phone call from dad?
-My paper that I have not started yet (due Wednesday)
-My project that I have not gotten film back for yet (also due Wednesday)
-2 weeks left in the quarter???????!!!!!!!!!!
-My stomach and neck

ok thats all i got right now

Trying something new

All this blog talk has gotten me thinking about how I really like to write. Not normal writing, but poems. A few of you may know this already or have picked up on it, its not important. I have been writing for myself in a word document for about a year now. About 45 typed pages of poems. I think I want to share them. I am going to try it out. In a new blog but I am not going to link it yet on my main blog and I would hope that you all don't link to it yet. I am not sure if I am ready to share some of these so I will go slowly. I trust you all enough so here is the link:

http://poemmylife.blogspot.com/

My poems are my deepest thoughts. There is nothing more but them.

yesterday

My yesterday went well so I figured I would post about that instead about my today. I got to spend time with a friend I have not seen in a while. I got to have a small conversation with Nonna, who was very confused, but it did not matter because I got to hear her voice I have not hurd it in a very long time. Lastly I got a belated Birthday present from an out of town friend. Its not so much the present but the reminder that she cares that made me so happy. I was reminded yesterday that tomorrow can be ok.

*cough cough*

I am designing and helping with another friends blog. Also met him though the Alzheimer's Association. This friend has a lot of stuff to say, I should know he is my grandpa. Anyways please take a look at his blog. You wont be disapointed.

http://davescogitations.blogspot.com/

OH and read his first posts backwards, start down at the bottom post and read up. THANKS

new blogs for one and all

Change. Its bad and it is good. I reworked my blog and Gales today. Take a look at her's please Its prettier then mine! Anyways Change. They want to move Nonna to the 1st floor of the nursing home. They say there they are better equipped to deal with someone in her state. I don't quite like this idea. We have gotten used to the people on the 3ed floor. They know her, and in a way she knows them. Whats the point in changing all of that? Its not like I have a say in it. My mom and Aunt will make the choice for all of us. Then I will learn to deal with it. I just hope whatever happens is the best for Nonna.

Its something...

Maybe I just needed a break of a few days. I feel a bit better now. I know you all want an update on Nonna. She seems to have gotten back into a holding pattern. She has bad nights. Most every night, she gets angry to the point of hurting herself and the nurses. She wont use her bi-pap and she wont use the oxygen. The cant give her sedatives because that makes her unconscious. For now she gets a few good hours a day. When someone visits her is the extent of it. I wish I could be there for her and add to her few good hours. I know if I was there I could help. I think thats been really hard for me the past few days. I have been missing her so much that I am almost crawling out of my skin to get home. I came up with something though. Its not a lot but I figured out that Nonna does have a mailing address. So I am going to in the spirit of GLO start sending her letters. I don't think she will be able to read them. I am hoping that my large words might be able to be processed. Or maybe my name will trigger something? I put a dog sticker on the first one. She likes animals so maybe she can at least look at that. I just miss her so much some times. I think this might help me more then her.

thank you my friends for always being here.

dont feel much like it anymore

i don't feel much like blogging. i wanted to get back into the forum a bit but when i returned i found it broken. i found disaster. so i don't feel much like going on there anymore. it used to be about caring and support. i don't know what it is about anymore. i will just hide i guess. hide in my room away from realty and hide away from virtual life. its not that i don't have an excuse. sure i could say i am doing homework. that not all a lie. i would just rather be alone thats all.

i will tell you now...

Two days ago it seemed like she was coming out of it. She was sitting up and she was eating some. But that night she had other plans because she tried to escape. The nurses said they have never seen someone of her shape do what she did. Nonna smacked the nurse ran out her bedroom door with her purse screaming swinging her bag almost hitting some other patients. They did not want to hurt her so they stayed a foot behind her as she slowly ran away. This went on until she finally collapsed on the floor. This would be bad enough right there but there is more. The nurses (not even really nurses) decided to give her a Zantac to calm her down. The doctors told us never to give her a narcotic because of her COPD it slows down her heart rate to much that her oxygen levels go down to far. And that happened. She fell into another almost coma like sleep and the nurses did nothing until my mom got there and told them to put her into bed and put her breathing machine on. It helped slowly to bring her o2 levels up but she was not coming out of it. This bring me to yesterday when i got there. It was not her I saw. It was just a body that looked like her. She was sleeping hooked out to all her machines wires, tubes everywhere and when I tried to say hello to her she could barely open her eyes. I felt terrible. I still do. I miss her even more when I think of her like that. I feel helpless. I cant even take care of her she has to stay in the nursing home where nobody gives a dam. She was sleeping in her clothing! We asked them to change her and I helped a little. She made the saddest sound as we undressed her. Her eyes never opened though. I am afraid for her. I am afraid for my mom. I am afraid for myself.

God, someone, please help us.

maybe tomorrow

I don't have the heart to update tonight on Nonna. Maybe after I make it back to school tomorrow. :(

Home in the morning

I will be going home tomorrow morning. It might not be what is best for my school work, it might not even be what my mom wants... but it is what is going to happen. I need to find out for myself how she is. I need to know or nothing will get done here. Its not that I am not afraid... because I am. I am very afraid of what I may find and if I will be able to leave her. As a very dear friend told me I just need to have some resolve. I will try and find that tomorrow.

always different

Yesterday when my mom called me i thought i could tell in her voice that Nonna was not going to make it more then a few more days. That might still be the case but with new developments i am not so sure. The tests came back negative for a stroke so i guess they figured they should just send her back to the nursing home. Nothing they can do at a hospital for her. Hospitals are for people who have a chance of getting better. So I guess for now she is bed ridden in and out of consciousness at the nursing home. Just like the others i have seen. just slowly melting away. it could be tonight, in a week, or even a month or two. I just hope when it is time she wont be in any pain.

do you know what time it is?

up at 6am to register for classes. not that that was a problem because i was not sleeping in the first place. i just watched the minutes and hours pass by on my digital clock. i would lay strangely tonight. no blankets. i felt like i wanted to be cold. plus all my blankets remind me of her. she crochets, made most of my blankets. i just tucked my teddy bear under my chin and pulled my knees up towards my chest. sometimes i would have to feel my heart just to make sure it was still going or was not going to fast. i stopped crying at around 3am. i think i ran out of tears. now i feel as dehydrated as a wildebeest during the dry season on the savanna. my head is pretty light and my hands as well. i wonder how she is right now. same? will she ever great me again? will she ever make another blanket?

in a way i wish i could turn off comments about now. i feel as if i would rather just pretend to be alone. like nobody cares. its easer if nobody cares.

something new

They think she had a mini stroke. She is unconscious. More tests in the morning. The past two nights were terrible for her. At least tonight she will sleep.

Nobody is going to make this easy for us...

It seems like sometimes a loved one just starts to slip so easily into the final phase. Death may come fast for others. Like last bump on a long slide. Its not going to be that easy with Nonna I can tell. She was always a fighter. She never gave up on anything so easy. She wont give up even know when she has nothing left.

She cant maintain a good level of oxygen on her own. This is something we have known for a while but well its hard to address. She does not have the normal adult mind that most have with this COPD disease. She pulls out her oxygen and refuses to use the bi-pap machine at night. So she has been in a sense going untreated. It was only a matter of time until this happened. I get the feeling from conversations with my mom that there are some choices we have to make really soon. Or more likely some choices she has to make soon. Do they keep trying to force her onto the bi-pap? Do they make her take oxygen all day long? Or do they just watch her die? She wont go back to the way it was. She reached such a low level of oxygen that she might not be able to do much of anything anymore. A vegetable maybe. Its hard to see from here exactly whats going on. I know my mom sugar coats things. So if she says its bad, it must be pretty bad.

I want to believe in a god, I do. But I find I am unable to pray. So instead I will blindly hope that she passes peacefully. I will hope that my family will survive this. I will hope that I will never forget my grandmother. I will just hope. Just hope.

my heart, my hands

I will continue with my work. I will go to class and sit for hours trying to focus on homework. I don't get to be home. I don't get to be with family or with her. I don't get to know what is going on all the time. I get to do homework. I have to write papers. Fact is though that my heart hurts. I never thought it was possible for a heart to physically hurt. Like if i take an aspirin with it help? My hands feel light. They shake a little when I try to type. I find myself wondering maybe they just haven't gotten to calling me yet. Will I never again get one of her hugs? I write papers. But my heart it is not the same.

thanks for all your love and support. just thank you so much.

GOD DAM IT

Today was better. I felt good for a while. We were together and I was glad. We had breakfast and went to Barns and Nobles. I bought a poetry book, she bought an economics book. It was all going to be ok.

nope. They took Nonna to the hospital. She feel more then 3 times. She was larthargic. I don't know what else because I am still here. My mom went home of course as soon as she found out. No I am here. WHY! I DON'T UNDERSTAND. NOW? IS IT NOW? CAN YOU JUST TELL ME IF ITS NOW? OR IS THIS JUST ANOTHER GAME YOUR PLAYING WITH MY HEART?

i am just so afraid.

mom visited

My mom came up today to visit. She is spending the night as well. She is upstairs in my bed right now sleeping. I am on the sofa hoping it gets more comfortable. Today was stressful. I kept tried so hard to keep it in. I wanted her to have a good time being away for a little while. Now that she is in bed I find it really hard to stop crying. I had a dream last night that when she got here we got a call that Nonna had passed and nobody was there with her. This on top of the constant arguments (underlying mostly) I just need to cry thats all. Its to much feeling. I can only feel so much before I end up like this. A wet mess.

a miss

A miss in my heart and in my throat

Like an empty space that can only grow

With every heave of growth the pain becomes unbearable

No cough remedy will help

Ibuprofen wont make it go away either

No my cure has gotten away

So I feel my miss all over my body

Pending my vanishing date

Imagine

Imagine this being your child.

In Northern Uganda it is happening.

They live in fear every day. Its beyond fear as they put it. The parents are killed and the children are abducted. They are trained to kill by the age of 5. Brainwashed to know nothing else. The ones that avoid being abducted have to hide at night. Hide because they have seen full well what will happen to them if the rebel armies find them. These kids still remain hopefull. They have hardly any food, no family and there friends are being killed every day... but they have hope. We really must learn from them.

Taken from the website (http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php):
"An entire generation has never known peace. Tens of thousands of civilians have been mutilated or killed by the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) in Northern Uganda for 20 years. Since 1986, the leader of the LRA, Joseph Kony, has abducted and brainwashed more than 20,000 boys and girls to fight as child soldiers in his militia, with roughly 12,000 abductions occurring since 2002. As a result, 250,000 children in all of Northern Uganda currently receive no education; 737 schools (60% of the total) are non-functioning because of the war, leaving the schools that are functioning grossly overcrowded, with 300 students for every one teacher."

Dear Nonna

I found myself thinking, I wish I could write you a letter. So here I am writing to you. You wont ever get my letter, but I don't think that really matters.

I miss you. I miss you more then I ever thought I could. Pretty much every day when I am in class or having lunch I think about you and what your doing. I hope your happy. I hope someone really kind is looking out for you. You probably would tell me thats silly. You probably would tell me to "chul up" and focus on work. Its hard though. Its harder then I could have ever imagined.

My classes are going ok. I have a few good friends. Some I have met before some I only know though the internet. You would laugh at me and say they cant possibility be friends. They are though, maybe some of my best. They watch out for me, just like you used to.

Do you remember the story you used to tell me about the woman who worked so hard for for such little pay, and then at the end it was stolen away from her by a thief? Well Its hard to believe someone ever working so hard for such little money but I am starting to understand a little better. I know you never had a lot of money but wouldent it be nice? Just not to have to worry about making rent every month. Do you remember when you told me I could have your car one day? I was only 12 or so but I still remember that. You were always obsessed with your death. I think you were maybe just as morbid as I am.

I love you so much. I really just wanted you to be happy.

toa Nipote, Stefania

l'amo alla fine di tempo

one thing over

I was going to title this post "its over" but then I realized that people would get the wrong impression. Anyways back to what is over... MY exam. The exam from hell. If I believed there was a hell which I don't think there is. Anyways its over and not sure if I am glad or just annoyed at it. Now I have a paper due Wednesday that I have not started.

I had this conversation earlier with a one of my only good friends. We were being silly and talking about my ability to beat someone up. He said I could really deck someone if I wanted to. I said I would never and he agreed that I would never hurt someone. But then he said well there was one time he could see me punching someone in the face. That would be if Nonna passed away and someone "messed with me." We were mostly being silly but I think he made a good point. I only hope when it happens I don't actually hurt anyone.

thanks

Thanks for being supportive. Thanks for your stories. I would love to hear more from all of you about the topics you responded with. As much as I love you all I know that I need to figure this out on my own.

Nobody can tell me to believe and then I just do. I don't think its something that can be proven to someone else. I have to figure this one out on my own. I am going to give it time. I think once things change for me I might be able to look back and decide what I am. I need to be unsure right now.

I talked to Nonna last night. Not on the phone but in my head. I think she would want me to figure it out for myself. After all she has such strong faith I am sure that she must have doubted it at some point right?

I dont have it.

Maybe because I am young. Maybe because I know badness. Maybe because I don't trust well. Whatever it is I can see I don't have what the rest of you have. I don't have faith. You cant look into the mirror and notice, oops I forgot to put on my faith today. Nobody will point it out to me, hey why don't you have faith? Its just my heart that tells me I don't believe. There are times I want to. There are times I feel like I could. Did I drop it? Did it flake off me or slip though a broken pocket? Why didn't I turn around and pick it up when I first noticed it was gone? Can I ever find it again or is it lost forever in a vortex where every lost soul's faith goes. No I am not like you. You cant see that. But I can feel it.

4am

Insomniac at
4am plus 3
sleep is a joke
working is a chore
nobody to talk to
4am plus 4
wasting time
resting my head
eyes don't close
4am plus 5
thinking fast
try to finish something
forget and give up
4am plus 6
still nothing

said by someone better then me:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/148

and if you liked that one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipfqKyxm5Hc

its not enough but its all i have

Its not enough the information I am getting about her. Its random and the sources are not very reliable. I cant help but still think about her though. I look down at my poli-sci essay and all I can think of is what is she doing right now. I look at my photography project and all I can think is how does she feel right now?

God I am trying to do what you want me to. How do I know this is even the right choice? I wish it was easer. I wish I had more faith in you. I wish I had more faith in myself. Just help me get though midterms. Please god.

drugs

I am not there so how do I know for sure? But she is really bad off right now. She is refusing to do almost anything. She wont eat or keep her o2 on. She cant stay calm anymore. Its like she snapped or something. She decided not to deal with anything anymore. My mom says they might have to give her drugs to relax her. The problem is that last time they did that she slept for more then 48 hours. I don't know is there another option? Will she start to sleep now and not wake up again? I don't know I worry so much. How do I pass my exams when I cant stop worrying?

I feel like I am playing the game of life and I am loosing terribly.

your throwing empty car's at me now??

You know your having a strange day when: I get out of my car this morning at the parking lot at school and walk about 5 steps when I start to see an EMPTY car move towards me. It rolls forward almost hitting me but instead hits the car next to mine. It breaks there rear light, just missing me. Is this supposed to mean something??????? If so WHAT!?

Guys are dumb or jerks: In the same day (today) a jerk guy who asked me out once before tries to pull some stupid move on me. I could have smacked him, I really could have. BUT this other guy I have liked for a while who I sit next to in class who I keep making conversation with wont even ask me out to dinner or something. I know he does not have another girl friend, or class after ours. I hate guys.

Ya know there is only so much I can take when I have not gotten more then a few hours sleep in total all week. I think I am going to take a few min nap...

I am tired of trusting people and being disappointed. People everywhere disappoint. I want to believe in the goodness of humans. I want to say that everyone has a caring soul. I have felt hurt to many times to keep feeding myself this line. I don't want to care anymore. The more I care the more I get hurt. Maybe its better to just go it alone.

candles, tissues, and two hours of sleep

I stayed up late last night to study for a quiz today and well I think I learned my lesson... I know I did not pass that quiz so what was the point in me staying up late for it? So I am going to try and a different attitude now.

Right after class I went to the store and got tissues and candles. The tissues for my cold and the candles for my soul. I never was allowed to light candles in the dorms and well my mom does not like candles so I never had them at home either. Its not that I can smell them much now because of this cold but I just like having them lit. Its comforting.

I have to try and get more sleep but I know it probably wont happen this week. At least I have to try and stay calm. If I get myself stressed out more I will just put myself out of commission completely. I have had small panic attacks before but nothing that I cant get over in 20mins or so. I just don't want it to get worse. If it does I might have to force myself to see a doctor because I know thats what everyone here would tell me to do. Thanks for caring guys I am going to try harder myself first before I go to see a doctor thats all.

panic

I am pretty sure I am having my first panic attack of the year. (see below for reasons) It only got worse during the day...

Midterms, Family, Friends, Sickness

I have midterms. One today and then 2 next week. One of the ones I have next week is in the class that I am positive will be the death of me. I have to start studying now and not stop until Monday night when the exam is over. I am really gonna need a sedative that night because Monday is when my take-home midterm is due. X_X

My family said buy to me for a while. I wont go back for as long as I can handle it. Its so much more complex then what I can explane here. It just took way to much out of me to go home. I can not go back. Not for a while. Nonna cant even keep me there. And if you don't think that makes me really sad well then you don't know me at all.

This organization that me and my friends help out with has meetings Sunday nights. I went to the meeting and it was just such a mess. The president is not being a leader in the least and we argued over the sillies things. It puts so much tension between me and my friends. Its not like we were great before but now add this into the mix I bet I wont see many of them for a while.

Oh and did i mention I have some kind of cold?