How I feel sometimes

hands and heart

I know I have not posted in like a week about anything that matters much about my life. I just cant seem to get into writing down anything because not much in my life is enjoyable. Today was an very busy day, 2 photo shoots and a bunch of other homework as well. I wake up to car problems that set me back an hour. Also got me into trouble at home. I got one cut pretty deep on my finger. Then also when I was brining my cactus to the studio to use as a prop i tripped and had to grab the cactus by the top part so I got 16 needles stuck into my hand around the same spot where i had just gotten cut. I was out all day for the most part doing these shoots, but the one 25 mins I got to come home i was welcomed by a massive camera crew. I forgot I had given permission for a film student friend of mine to shoot in my apartment. So 20 people plus all there lights and gear were packed into my small apartment. I dropped off some stuff and left again. Just kept my hands busy all day.

Even when i am blown away with work, I still find time to be introverted. lol. I think way to much about what it would be like for me to have back some of the family i have lost of the past 3 years. I dwell on somethings that will never change... It hurts my heart more then I think I can't explain here or ever. Maybe you all get it. But its like I said to Dave. Nonna and my grandfather were the most loving people in my life. with them gone I am unbalanced. Like a seesaw with one really fat kid and one skinny short kid. it just does not work. I am doomed to be unbalanced for while I fear. I just miss that kind of unconditional love. The kind where it does not matter if you have a bad morning and get a little snippy. Its the kind of love that evens out my seesaw of life, swinging happily from darker times to lighter times. Its the balance between the two that bring us the most joy. When do I get my balance back?

oh

Its a strawberry. :) think about that next time you bite into one.

you guys are funny

olives in pasta sauce? noooo you eat this all the time i bet. hmmm should i tell you now or make you come to the chat tomorrow night to find out? haha i will wait.

High Magnification Photograph of a ___________

What is this a photo of? No cheating grandpa Dave. <333

this feeling inside

Its like a pit in my stomach. Something large and hard. My hands shake a bit and it rolls around in my gut just making more trouble. There is something in my head too, this is lighter and it floats around pretty fast making me a touch dizy. come on body lets try and sleep.

its been a while

I really have not known what to say on this blog lately. I am home for easter, and I brought two of my friends with me. I love them dearly. My family seems to be having some pretty big problems though. I dont want to talk about it much on here. Anyways easter will go on. With out nonna, or my grandpa, or my uncle. for three years in a row now easter has been a time of depression for me. I know its supposed to be about renewing and such, but I cant help but feel the darkness of my loss. I visited the grave again today. Its not even filled in very well. about a foot from where the dirt comes up to the level of my Nonno's grave. It hurt a lot more then I thought to see it like that. I miss you nonna, and you loved easter. I just want you to be home with me again.

space cadet

i am such a space cadet right now. just really spacing out at times, minutes at a time with out noticing anything. maybe its the recent rejection from my one and only job prospect for this summer. or maybe it the impending visit home. it could also be the insane amount of obligations i have to school right now, and my extracurricular activities. Friday i have to photograph my 4 professors in wizard theme outfits for an invitation to our annual picnic. also i am hosting a photography lecture that is costing 500 dollars to bring the photographer here. so i have to ensure that we will have enough turn out. plus i am taking 18 credits. i lost hours at work this quarter, not helpful in paying the bills but i guess it makes my week a bit easer. so yes i am a space cadet right now, floating away from the earth that so stresses me out.

Mooooooon

I took this photo during the lunar eclipse a few weeks ago. I thought it was pretty cool.

hmm

Nonna's nursing home: http://www.jamessquare.com/index.cfm

The one I am volunteering at: http://www.stjohnshome.com/

I feel like its all our fault nonna ended up at such an awful place. I wanted to break down in tears just seeing how beautiful a place it is. I dont understand. I dont understand.

3 years? 4 months?

yesterday was 3 years since my grandpa died. today is 4 months since my grandma died.


TIME.


What does it mean really? nothing if you dont let it mean anything. I am going to try to not let it mean much. I cant say I dont hurt a little more today thinking about it, but I should NOT let it take over. I need to put my game face on and say no, i want to be happy.

4 months? 2 years? 3 years? 10 years? these times what do they mean. nothing if you dont let them.


but i do miss you nonna. and i always will even years and years from now. and i miss my grandpa too, as well as my crazy uncle, and beloved aunt. I miss you no less today then i did when i was a kid and you left. so TIME? it means nothing.


My favorite song about time, i posted to the right. I hope you enjoy it.

At least its Thursday

This week could have been worse. It would be hard to see how I could feel worse though. My gut is rolling or "running track" as i decided it feels like. Not all the time, just when I get upset about something. Its not a big deal just something. I know I need to take care of myself better but I just need to figure out what that means to me. I am glad its Thursday, glad we get to talk tonight, or I hope we will. I love talking to you guys. I do get nervous in groups though even online, so don't mind me if I am a bit quiet sometimes. I am just glad to get the family together! In a way I wish we could find a better place to meet so it could be by invitation only, but I guess it does not make much of a difference if a few people join in at times. Alright, see you tonight then.

umm

I am ok. It was a bad bad morning. I am not going back, and you cant make me. I dont think I am ready. maybe i wont ever be?

as i said to my parents when i was 15:

end of story, end of conversation.

freaking out

hyperventilation. vaso vago reaction. freaking out? whatever its called i am doing it. i am so scared... and i cant even begin to explain why. i guess after tomorrow morning we will see if it was worth all of this. :'(

New look

Once again I look for a few look first to change my metal outlook. Its a new quarter here and I find myself realizing its been almost 4 months since she left me. I used to see your blogs back when I still had nonna and think your 2-4 months with out your loved one was not long at all, but I feel as if 4 months is forever. I miss her still so much. I know I have to start really taking the rains of my life. I have not been doing such a good job of that.

So here's to this quarter being better then the last.

Flowers work together why cant we

I was 10. Could not spell, and was in a lot of pain. But I found this tonight. The 10 year olds version of what happened to my aunt. The story ends with "I ran upstairs and told God I loved Aunt Julie and that he should tell Aunt Julie that. I told him to look after her for me and to keep telling her that everyone here will always remember her and cherish there time together."

10 years

There are some people in life that you just never doubt how much they love you. Its something you always know. They just plain love you. I am pretty sure my Aunt was one of them.


Its been 10 years since I adopted my Heidi. 8 Years since my aunt died and left her to me and my family. I always looked up to my aunt. More so then many of my other family members. She was always happy. Always enjoyed life. I wish I had a little more of her inside me. Anyways 10 years ago on the 4th of March Heidi had her 3ed birthday. She was staying with us because Aunt Julie was in the hospital. I went to visit my aunt and I told her excitedly that we got Heidi a big blue ball for her birthday. She smiled at me painfully. Looking back that must have been hard for her. She was younger then most people who have that many health problems. But she loved life a bit to much at times and never took care of her body. Eating all the sweets she ever wanted brought her right to kidney failure that march. So she died a few days after her Heidi's birthday that year. When I woke up the next morning my dad told me, and he said Heidi was ours now. Thats the way its been ever since. Heidi is ours. Anyway I made a scrapbook a few years ago. Here are two pages I made one about Heidi, and one about my beloved Aunt.

By the way for Heidi's birthday a few days ago I got her a big bone, and although she is 13 now she still has the soul of a puppy, much like her human mother did, always loving life.







































I miss you Aunt Julie. You were such a wonderful unique woman. I wish to be like you so much. I took care of Heidi for you, and know someplace inside her she remembers you too.

Nonna on a bike in italy

We are pretty sure this is the oldest photo we have of Nonna. Maybe before she was even married.

Nonna and her some of her grandkids.

Before me that is. My older brother is the young one in front.

My Mom and Nonna

Bad Night

Last night I had to sleep in Nonna's room because my old mattress was being taken away early this morning. It was harder then I thought. I spent most of the night thinking. When I finally fell asleep it was almost 8am. I just had a hard time I guess. Everything in that room seemed alive. The religious statues were guiling me, and the floral curtains were suffocating. I am going to try and put it out of my mind. Chalk it up to temporary insanity.

Tomorrow is Thrusday again

Blogger family dinner night. :( I cant go this week, and I am sad. I am going to see a play being put on at my old high school. I guess its just going to happen now and then that we cant go. I hope others still turn up, if just for that hour. Let me know if it goes well, I will miss you all. *hugs*

being home.

Its hard being home, really hard. I miss her so much seeing her room the way it is now makes tears flow. My family is not always doing great. I worry about my mom. I really worry. I worry about myself too. Every night I seem to slip into this haze of sadness. Replaying it all over and over and over again until I pass out at about 4am.

Yesterday was hard. I had a dentist appointment. The family dentist is on the North side of town. About 25 mins from where I live now. There are a lot of things I had to drive past to get there. Nonna's old house that she used to point out to me, even though I never knew her when she was living there. My mom's high school. My Aunt's old house, where my uncle died. St. Francis day center, where Nonna used to go more then a year ago for adult day care until she got kicked out. Then the nursing home too. Right down the street from the dentist office. I find myself wondering, how many faces would I know on 3N? How many have left forever? Are the same nurses there? Do they remember Nonna? Do they remember me? After the appointment I knew what I had to do. I had to visit Nonna because the cemetery is also very close by. There was about 3 feet of snow to jump over to get to her grave. They had put her death date on since the last time I had been there. November 14 2007. I wanted to sit with her for a while, but both of my entire legs were sopping wet. So I just had enough time to tell her I miss her. Let her know about how I am a Godmother. I know she would want me to visit her like this, talk to her. I just cant help but tear up even now. So many memories I visited yesterday. And today well today I miss her just as much. So much it aches in my throat and in my heart. I miss the way it used to be, when the north side was home and all these places were happy.

Godmother Stefanie

Nonna would be so very proud of me. She really would have loved to see this.