hands and heart

I know I have not posted in like a week about anything that matters much about my life. I just cant seem to get into writing down anything because not much in my life is enjoyable. Today was an very busy day, 2 photo shoots and a bunch of other homework as well. I wake up to car problems that set me back an hour. Also got me into trouble at home. I got one cut pretty deep on my finger. Then also when I was brining my cactus to the studio to use as a prop i tripped and had to grab the cactus by the top part so I got 16 needles stuck into my hand around the same spot where i had just gotten cut. I was out all day for the most part doing these shoots, but the one 25 mins I got to come home i was welcomed by a massive camera crew. I forgot I had given permission for a film student friend of mine to shoot in my apartment. So 20 people plus all there lights and gear were packed into my small apartment. I dropped off some stuff and left again. Just kept my hands busy all day.

Even when i am blown away with work, I still find time to be introverted. lol. I think way to much about what it would be like for me to have back some of the family i have lost of the past 3 years. I dwell on somethings that will never change... It hurts my heart more then I think I can't explain here or ever. Maybe you all get it. But its like I said to Dave. Nonna and my grandfather were the most loving people in my life. with them gone I am unbalanced. Like a seesaw with one really fat kid and one skinny short kid. it just does not work. I am doomed to be unbalanced for while I fear. I just miss that kind of unconditional love. The kind where it does not matter if you have a bad morning and get a little snippy. Its the kind of love that evens out my seesaw of life, swinging happily from darker times to lighter times. Its the balance between the two that bring us the most joy. When do I get my balance back?