2008, A New Year

After writing a whole lot about 2007 I did not really come to many conclusions about 2008. I realize I need it to be better. Not just for myself but for the people I love too. So should I sit here for a few hours and try and figure out one single key to making it better? No I don't think that is right eaither. There is no one true key to happiness, no one answer to how to make 2008 better then 2007. I poked around my large file of quotes to find a few that would express this better then I could. So here they are, and I truly hope they help you in your quests for a better year.

• "life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards"
• "Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
• "When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor, its to enjoy each step along the way."
• "A mind that is stretched by a new experiences can never go back to its old dimensions"

Happy New Year my friends, I love you.

p.s. “god bless the broken road that led me straight to you.”

Rewind and Rewatch: Year 2007

Faced with the task of looking back at 2007, I found I was first wondering about 2006. In the past I used Live Journal as a way to get my feelings out so I went on there and took at look at my 2006 year in review and this is what I found.

On Jan. 1st, 2007 at 12:32 AM I wrote:
2006 was a crazy year alright; it was full of ups and downs. I went to my first big drinking party. I made deans list every quarter. I watched West Wing all the way though- in order! I became really close to other people and moved away from some friends who caused me a lot of pain. Also a lot of stuff went down. We lost my uncle and well my whole family came together and I leaned so much about them all. My grandmother’s health is really going down hill, I can tell. I had to learn this year that she is not at all the woman I grew up with. It has not been easy being away at college. I did gain a cousin though. I also traveled to Italy with my 15 family members, and we made it back alive! I feel closer to a lot of people in my life and I hope that my relationships continue to grow as 2007 begins. After all that is really what life is about.

That was 2006, my first full calendar year away from home. It really was an interesting year. I am noticed some things that have remained the same this year, as well as some things that have changed. Like 2006, in 2007 I both lost a close relative as well as gained one. Everyone knows in the month or so I have lost my Nonna and gained another cousin (who is set to become my godson on March 3ed.) A lot more happened then that though. It was a year of change for me. I learned about my limits. About what I can control and what I can’t.

To start on a lighter note (kind of) here are some things other then family life that I experienced this year. I got my cartilage pierced in 2007 with out telling my mother. I don’t do a lot of things with out talking to her first. I wanted her to know I am my own woman, and I will do what I want. I guess its just one of those moments where you start to become an adult. Since I am here I can also mention in 2007 I saw one of my very dear friends almost die of Alcohol poisoning. I saw her spiral into bad drinking habits and even tried to talk her out of going to the Rugby party where it happened. Her blood alcohol levels were the 2ed highest NY state has ever seen. She was unconscious when they brought her into the emergency room, and she should have died. It scared me, and will do no doubt shape my thoughts on Alcohol for the rest of my life. As far as boys are concurred well I could have had a worse year, but I have NO IDEA HOW. I had a stalker friend, who was very forceful in wanting to see me all the time, and the fact that I was not interested did not bother him. Then another guy who thought it was cool to intimidate me into going on a date. Really I had no positive male relationships that go beyond friendship this year. Not that that’s new, because I never really have had a positive male relationship.

Let’s go back to January of 2007. It was my winter break just like it is now. I come home and was pretty well shocked at the steep decline of Nonna. For the first time I realized how much I was missing being at school. I am not talking about missing a party or something but missing a person who might not be around much longer. I also noticed just how hard all of this was on my mother. She seemed to be in pretty bad shape herself. We knew Nonna could not be alone anymore during the day. What was there for us to do? In order to try and help I did what all of you did at some point. I Googled “Alzheimer’s.” Its one of the first links that come up and as I poked around the site I found the chat room. I thought it was a crazy idea to log in but I knew I had nothing to loose. So in I went and there I met CC, Mag, Chris, and Casey to name a few. I could tell from the start that they were very caring people. So I went back every night that week I was home. Then when I got back to school I made time to keep going. Mostly because it made me feel like I was helping Nonna in some way by being there.

I also started to go home a lot more. It was not always fun going home for sure. Sometimes it was downright painful. My family a bit on the dysfunctional side of the spectrum, and well Nonna’s sickness brought out the worst in everyone. We were all frightened of losing the woman that connected us all. Things only got more complex as the year when on. Sometime near the start of the year Nonna got kicked out of the day center she was going to. This meant we would have to figure out something else. In home care was part of the new deal. That was a hard adjustment for everyone. I have never had a more awkward moment in my life then the time I woke up one day when on break and found a 275 lb, black woman, with 2 teeth missing, that I had never met before, sitting in my living room talking to Nonna. She turned out to be a really great lady but honestly that was just strange!!!!

March hit me like a ton of bricks. That month always seems to be pretty awful for me. My grandpa, uncle, and aunt all died in March of different years and in March of 2007 I was positive Nonna would join that group. A friend was visiting at the time from Oregon. Nonna woke up at around 10 having problems breathing. It was really scary and although I could have easily hid in my room with my friend I stayed with Nonna and I saw her eyes get really glossy. She was almost unable to speak. So my mom called 911. It was the start of everything bad. She was diagnosed with COPD after spending 2 weeks in the hospital. It was pretty clear there was no bouncing back from that. After 2 weeks in the hospital we decided together that her best option was a nursing home. It all happened so fast from there. The year ended horribly. I got my first college C, and I came right home.

When I did get home I found a mess everywhere. My family was falling apart. I tired so hard all summer to keep them together as well as keep myself sane. I was working almost 45 hours a week on top of spending most nights with Nonna at the nursing home. I made friends there that I never thought I would. I cried with them, and I laughed with them. When the end of the summer came I realized just how sad I was that I would have to go back to school. I did it though, and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. I came home weekends but it was not the same as being able to go visit her when ever I wanted. Every time I came home it got clearer to me she was going down hill. It was not until November though that she hit rock bottom. She died on the 14th of November. I thought I would be there when it happened but I wasn’t, I was stuck at school finishing my last final exam.

My Poetry teacher once said the best thing you can do to troubling thoughts is write them down. That way they are contained on paper instead of eating out your insides. I think that if she is right then maybe now I have put this year to rest, finally. If you read all of that, you are a true friend and even if you just jumped to the end I still think your a great friend. I could never have made it though this year with out you all. Thanks for being here, and thanks for promising to stick around for my future.

Reflect and look forward

As the year comes to a close I am faced with many thoughts. I have to look backwards and think about how this year went. What did I do that was good, what should I have done differently. Was I truthful to myself? Did I tell people who I loved that I loved them enough? Was I a good person overall? Its not so important what I think. Just that I learn for the future. So after I reflect I have to think about the next year. I need to decide some things. My direction for not just the next year but for the rest of my life. What will I do this summer for a job and what will I want to do when I graduate which is really not so far away from now. Its scary. Under no account am I not scared about my future. It scares the pants off of me just to try and think about NOT being a student anymore. Its all I have ever done. Anyways so this is me introducing my next few posts. So go ahead if you wish and read if you wish as I reflect and look forward.

Lord,

Take care of my friend David. He is such a good guy and I know he is hurting for the loss of his friend today. I wish so much I could give him my hand today. Watch over him as well as Jim's family. They are all good people who need a some comforting today. There road is not over yet.

I miss them.

I cant help but think about them tonight. They truly are a group of giants that maybe I never fully appreciated. They had long lives before I saw them in that place. They were people with wives, husbands, sons and daughters. They had pets and they did the groceries once a week just like me. Its almost easer to forget that they are like us. That way when you see them crying in the hall you can quietly walk past with out trying to comfort them. No I never could do that, I always stopped and tried to hold there hand. No matter what I cant watch them in so much pain.

I remember my first day on 3N. It happened so fast that Nonna went to the nursing home. It was a quick decision and then a quick placement because we were sure that this was our only chance to get her in someplace. It was the end of March and when we went up the elevator the first time I remember thinking about the smell. It was meal time, dinner I think, everyone was in the dinning hall. Thats not the best time to be there. Its nerve racking seeing all those people who cant even feed themselves anymore. The room Nonna was to be in was not cleaned out. There were things from the past owner still in the drawers. So we waited in the hall while the nurse removed some more things. When we put Nonna in her room for the first time, and she asked us for the first time (defiantly not the last), where she was I felt in complete shock. Alarms went off pretty fast around there. She had a mat by her bed that would go off if we moved, and her bed as well. So when I tried to sit down it went off, and when i tried to stand up it went off. I learned later how to avoid this but then I was ignorant. My mom left to get help and came back crying pretty badly. The nurse came in and saw this and just looked at us like "why are you even still here?"

I never knew back then what I would find in that place. I never realized how much I could love total strangers. They were not even half of who they could be if there health was better but I still saw so much in them. There were times when I felt like I could not do it anymore. Times I left there at 9pm and just wanted to cry so hard. Why should anyone have to be left in a place like that? I hated it. Death for most of them must has to be better.

Four of my friends that I posted about back in August have left this world. Of course plus my Nonna. All were giants, and I wont ever forget them. Please look back at my post, and remember them yourself. The more that know about those wonderful men and women the less likely that they will never be forgotten.

http://steflovesnonna.blogspot.com/2007/08/i-left-my-heart-in-3-north.html

late night thoughts

Sometimes I get scared thinking about it. The death I saw, and the one I didn't. I used to spend so much time wishing I was not there the night my uncle died. How awful it was for a 18 year old to watch. then just two years later I find myself wishing I was there for Nonna the way I was there for him that night. But I was not and I have to learn to accept that. Then this leads me to think of the others too. There life, and did they know how much I loved them. In my life I am not so good at saying those three words. "I love you." Its hard for me. I don't say them much to the people that really need to hear it. Did I forget to mention it to one of the ones I have lost forever? I find my self thinking this late at night. It makes me want to be better. It makes me want to never have to wonder again if the people I love know that I love them. I realize now.

The worst pain is the "I love you" never said.

We lost two this week:

We have lost two more angels from 3N of my grandmothers old nursing home. I spent so much time with them all this summer they became family. I miss you so much. I always wanted more for you. A better way to leave this world. I knew it would happen one day. Before the end of next year I am sure most of those I knew that summer will have gone away. I just cant help but have felt my loss all over again when I find out more have left this world.

For Kathrine and Frank.

For Cinn

My Angels,
Tonight I am calling on all my angels. To all those who I have loved and all those I have lots. I am calling out to you Grandpa, Aunt Julie, Uncle Vince, cousin Nicky, and Nonna I have a favor to ask. Could you please spend a some time tonight as well as in the next few days watching over my friend Cinn. She need to know she is not alone right now. Her mom died and it has been a long road for her. It should not happen at this time of the year but it has and I just need you to make sure she is ok. Could you also visit her mother. Tell her how much her daughter loves her. Be with her and her family to make sure they know that they are loved still by the people on earth. I ask you for this my angels because it is so important to me. I know how she feels and I know I had many angels watching me when you all departed this world. So for now go to her and bring her peace.
Stefanie

My loves (read if you dare)

I have not known a lot of old people in my life. Those who I have known have impacted me in a very deep way. They have changed my life for the better because of there experiences and wise guidance. So this post is for the old people in my life now and those who have left me behind to continue on in life. I have always valued you but until now I maybe did not know how much.

When I was 13 my Aunt Julie died. Her name was Angela actually, Jullinel is an Italian way to say it so shorted and made American its Julie. She is my Grandmothers sister on my dad's side of the family. So that would make her my Great Aunt Julie, but in my family none of that matters. She and my grandpa her brother in law owned a grocery store in the Italian neighborhood. When I knew her she was a pretty sick woman. She had diabetes and hardly ever took good care of herself. She loved animals so much that she always had at least one. She had a Tootsie I that was killed by my grandpa, and a Tootsie II who was killed by my aunt but that was before my time. Then she had Velvet and Peter. Don't remember Velvet much because he died when I was young but Peter was pure evil. He was a poodle and used to sit on my aunts lap and bite anyone who would try and pass by. He died of suicide we say, because one day my aunt woke up and found his dead body tangled in his blankets. She felt pretty awful while the rest of us were glad he was gone. I wrote her a note and said "I am sorry your dog died. My mom says your sad, so I am sad too even though I never liked that dog. I love you, feel better." I was maybe 10. The death of peter although tragic left an opening for a new pet. That new pet would be Heidi. I went with her the day she picked out Heidi. My mom even gave her the name suggestion. A German name for a dog that is originally from Germany. She loved Heidi, and so did I and she knew that. So when she went into the hospital 3 years later I was charged to take care of her until she was better. When they told me one morning that Aunt Julie had passed away I started sobbing right away. I had to stop myself though to ask "Who is going to take care of Heidi?" My dad who was very close to his Aunt said we would. And thats where Aunt Julie's story ended and mine began. I learned from her to love everyone even the animals. I learned from her to laugh when everyone else is laughing at you. I learned from her to keep family close and to care for them always. My Heidi serves as a reminder to me of that but she is getting old (12 years old) and I will have to remind myself in the future. I never did and never will doubt her love for me.

My grandpa. He died when I was 17 years old, three years ago this March. He was my only grandpa as my other grandfather (Nonna's husband) died when my mom was 13. With no other grandfather to be compared to I thought he was perfect. I still do. He cooked almost every Sunday for us when I was a child. He loved food and he loved seeing all of us get together and have lots of laughs. Laughing was maybe second to cooking in his favorite things to do. I still remember the way he used to laugh. It was a chuckle. Not to loud but always lasted a good long time if the joke was funny enough. He was good at telling jokes too. He loved all women, and even was kind of a flirt. He and my grandmother were very happy together for more then 50 years of marriage, luckily my grandmother laughed almost as well as he did at all is silliness. At the old store that he and Aunt Julie owned together they decided to sell fireworks which are illegal in NY. A policeman came in and asked who owned the store. My grandpa points right to good natured Aunt Julie. Well they take her away to the station and my grandpa runs home to tell his wife that her sister is in jail. When he gets there is is laughing so hard he can barely get the words out. I think my grandma was pretty wonderful not to divorce him right then and there! He was a joker that man, and I loved every single min I got to spend with him. I only wish I could have had more time with him. He died right before I graduated High school. I found myself wishing every day that he could have just been there for that. I know he would be so proud of me. He would have hugged me with one of his wonderful grandpa hugs, and I would feel the love. I learned from him the importance of laughter and a good meal. I also learned about love from this man who I never doubted how much he loved me.

My Nonna. I don't think I need to put much here. Everyone reading understands how important she was to my life. I would not be the woman I am today if it was not for this woman. She helped raise me, she was both fun to be around and a bit of a discipline figure sometimes. She would not let me get away with not doing homework because she knew I was smart and could do it all plus some. She had a whole life time before she met me, but when I was born, I believe she fell in love. So much so that she generously moved in to help care for me as a very small child. She never thought twice about that choice. Though her last years on this earth were not with out trouble I never once thought she did not love me. I truly believe that she is in heaven right now bragging about me and her other grandkids to my Nonno who never had the chance to met us. She loved me, and I know it always.

My grandmother who is still living. I have not always understood my grandmother. She can be cold at times even. I know I have always loved her. She raised my father and loved my grandfather. She has also helped me though college. Although her love may not always be so tangible I do believe she loves me always.

I love these people so deeply. Its almost as if they are apart of me. They made me who I am today. If when I am older I can begin to give back to people as they have given to me, well then I will be one very lucky old woman. Thank you to those who came before me. I could never forget any of you.

THE END

Don't you wish in life there could be simple and definite endings just like in a kids story book? I have felt for a long time like I have reached an end. Its not that I think I am done with life, but that well part of my life is over. Things are and things have changed. I think the only way for me to move on is to think of this as an end. Otherwise I will go crazy trying to go on like nothing has happened. I cant keep going the same way I was that is becoming more clear.

I visited her grave for the first time today. You would think that could make an end for me but it did not. There was no grass or even an attempt to grow grass. The dirt on top of her looks like it was just pilled there. Still so fresh and raw, and well unfinished. Just like my heart still. It seemed to only open up everything again instead of close anything down. Is there ever an end? Is there ever a time I can move on peacefully?

I forgot to mention the most important christmas gift I got. My mom said "its from Nonna." Its one of her gold charms, the one she used to wear most regularly. Its St. Anthony who's feast is on June 13th Nonna's birthday. I cried pretty hard when I put it on my chain right next to the one she gave me when I was born. I miss her and I cant make it end.

I knew it would bad

I knew it would be bad but is someone trying to tell me something out there? On top of all the emotional stuff going on inside my head this Chrismas I had to deal with a bloody nose on Christmas eve because my nose got in the way of my mom opening the door to our car. Painful as HECK. It hurts to touch and it hurts REALLY bad when i sneze. I had to ice it most of the night and then today a little too because its brusing on the bridge and I cant breath out of it.

My mom seemed to be having pretty regular break downs. My father and brother as usual were not helpfull and well I was hurt a lot too. (I am not just talking about the nose) I just wanted to try and be happy thats all. Why do I feel like it all fell apart right in frunt of my eyes... God I miss her.

Happy Christmas

Rosa came home yesterday. I think she convinced the doctors that she would be ok because at first she was not suposed to come home. Her and the baby will be staying with my Aunt for the time being. Lou her hubby has to work a lot of night shifts and right now Rosa cant really take care of the baby on her own. I am just glad she is ok, and that she is with her baby now.

My Italian Christmas will be different this year for sure. We have made a lot of changes to tradition, but also some thing we are still doing. I miss her an awful lot right now. Its like everything reminds me of her. From some of her ordiments on our tree, to the extra stocking on the fireplace. It hurts but I know she would want me to have a good Christmases and to enjoy my family because as we have learned life is fragile. Rosa was pretty bad off and so was the baby when he was born so we are really lucky to still have both of them today. So I will try and enjoy them and the rest of my little cousins as much as I can today and tomorrow.

Now as for the rest of you. I know your loved ones would want you to be happy as well. Please try and be strong with me. Happiness sometimes has to be a choice and I think today and tomorrow we must choose it will all our might. I love you all for being such a wonderful extra family to me. I hope your holiday goes well. Just remember even if something goes *Kaboom* in your face you always have me and the rest of this little family. SO:

Have a Happy Christmas and Holiday Season!

Rosa and Enzo

Rosa: She is not doing so great. We thought she would be home by tonight but they really dont seem to want to let her go. She is on a TON of drugs to try and help fight the infection but it's only suppressing the symptoms right now. I really hope she gets to come home soon. She is pretty sad about being away from her child again. I hate to see her in so much pain.

Baby Enzo: I went and baby sat after visiting Rosa. I think this says it all.

Time to put my "perk" on

I got home only a few hours ago. My mom is not home yet but my dad's office closed early so he came up and I showed him all the things "we" got for mom. Then he started a lecture. He said "Mom's been crying a fucking lot." He continued to say she has not been feeling well and he does not know what to do with her. He seemed pretty desperate. Its clear to me that while I was away my mom hit rock bottom. So now that I am home again I am going to have to be the perky one. I am going to have to put my whole mind body and soul into making this a half way decent Christmas. This means a lot of work and a lot of "happy" attitudes. I will do my best, for my Mom and for my Nonna.

My cousin Rosa who had the baby who is going to be my Godchild is back in the hospital. She has some kind of infection. They are not sure what is it really. I am going to go to her house and watch the kid tonight. I really really really need her to get better soon. I don't know how I am going to help take care of the baby and figure out this christmas stuff but like I said I am going to try. This might turn into a total mess. It might fall apart even before Christmas itself. AND WELL IF I FAIL WELL THEN GOD DARN IT I AM GOING TO FAIL WITH A PERKY ATTITUDE.

5 days to christmass???

I am still at school of course. I have work tomorrow morning and I have to finish up a few things after work before I can go home. It pretty much bites. I have no Christmas spirit as it is but being here just makes it worse. Studying and doing projects is not something you think of when you think of the few days before Christmas. I miss her more now then ever, not that going home will help but it will be nice to not be so alone. Everyone keeps telling me these dreams are a way of Nonna saying goodbye. Last night I had another one. It makes life harder. I woke up this morning at 7:20 after not getting hardly any sleep and I just kept saying to myself "I don't want to move." It just hurt to much. I want my old Christmas back, with baking cookies and being happy. I want my Nonna back.

old fashioned love

A poetic dialog with myself:
(this is inspired by Joanna's post)

Everyone keeps a pot in there closet. Tall and skiney or short and fat they all hold about the same amount of love. Some have spots or stripes while many are one solid color from top to bottom. Mine is purple, with little blue hearts. Its kind of short but also wide and the top instead of being round is more like a triangle. I keep it in my closet always and collect things in it. I collect my first morning hello's and last evening good night's. Last time I was home I got a few licks from my dog that I keep in there. There is lots in there from Nonna, every embrace I ever remember, every screamed "I love you." From my mom there is lots of worry, because her love never seems to come out just straight but more a little slanted when she says "Stefanie drive safely or I will kill you." When I look deeper down I find a few things from my father very odd things at there best. A small smile or remember the time he bought me a new printer because he knew I could not afford one myself. I put that in there because I knew he loved me then. I put a few things in there from you too. The last comment you made on my blog. The post you put on your blog when you knew I was feeling down. The fact that you let me into your family. Just reminders of these things. That way one day when I am under slept and under fed I can sit by my closet door and look down into the pot and smile. Smile because I know I have collected a lot of good old fashioned love.

All problems have an easy solution

It just so happens that I know for a fact that all problems have an easy solution. I also know that the easy solution to having bad dreams is not to sleep. I ever say the easy solution was the smart one. Its just easy.

Dreams

I am having them again. Last night was not nearly as bad as the first time. She was sitting at the kitchen table drinking thicken liquid and eating cookies. I asked my mom "mom is she really dead?" My mom said yes. "then why is she still here?" "I don't know" I sat at the kitchen table with her and just kind of watched her eat for what seemed like a very long time. I reached out to touch her hand and found out I could not. Then with out feeling much emotion I just started to cry. She looked at me, or more like she looked through me, because she did not say a word about how I was crying. She just kept eating and drinking and looking around. I went around to try and hug her but my feet could not get close enough. Then I woke up.

gosh what i would not do for a really good reason to not go to class today. i am really really now feeling it...

now

This time one month ago I was woken up with the call that I had been dreading for so long. I cried alone in my bed for nearly 2 hours before I had the strength to get up and go to my computer. Dave was online, so I told him. I posted on the forum. I posted here. Then I decided not to go on the forum for a while. So I did not for almost a week. The amount of responses I got was amazing. The people who care about me and my Nonna are amazing. I could never thank everyone on the forum, on this blog enough for just being here on that day one month ago.

Last night I had my first dream about Nonna since she died. It was a nightmare, and one I wont repeat on here because I hope not to remember it. I have my dream catcher but maybe this one was just to strong to be caught. I will probably spend all day trying to keep it out of my mind.

Prayer:
I love you Nonna, and I miss you and I wish you all the happiness in heaven. You deserve to be with your husband now and forever. Tell him how much I would have liked to have known him. Please also send my love to my Cousin Nicola, Uncle Vince, Aunt Julie, and of course my Grandpa. Tell them I loved them so much, and wont ever forget them. I will try my hardest to live to make all of you proud. I love you.

1 month

Its been a month. It feels like so long ago and also just yesterday at the same time. It hurts like it was yesterday but it seems so long ago that I was able to see her face. Its been longer then a month since I saw her, even longer yet since I saw her happy. I miss her so much. My mom said she would not send out the Christmas cards until it had been a month. Now that it has does that mean its over? Does it mean I have to really get over this? I have moments where I feel like I can, but they are normally fallowed my moments of shear terror. Not only am I not willing to stop grieving but I am afraid of not grieving. Is just been to much to handle this month, I wish I could spend all day in bed it hurts so much. I feel like crying.

Nature Photo's

I posted some of my nature photo's at the bottom right of my blog. Maybe you have seen some of them before but I thought I would point them out for anyone who has not.

Emily

To become a recluse, would it be all that bad? Could I live like my long time friend once did. She died years ago but I can still feel her soul in her words. She was not so much different from me. Raised catholic, but not sure thats what she believed. Sounds a bit like me. Then the fact that she went home at first to care for her family, some say differently. That she was afraid and heartbroken by the world around her, so she cut herself off. Sounds a bit like me. She was not considered great in life though, but in death we all bow down to her greatness. Will this be me? Should I just return now before my heart becomes even more shattered to a place where I can sit with just a simple pen in hand. Never to experience the world outside my brain.

throwing out the peanut butter

This morning I woke up to find an open jar of peanut butter on my desk, as well as a bag of chocolate chips. Its not that I did not put it there or something, but I just started to remember. Last night like most nights for the past 3 weeks I was sad and fed it with peanut butter and chocolate. So I slowly worked my body out of bed and over to my desk. I shut the jar of half full peanut butter and gave it a little squeeze. I knew it was time to say goodbye. I bought that jar a few days before Nonna died. I was here at school and my mom had told me that day that she was making substitute teacher plans so she could be out of school. That was her way of warning me of what was coming. I could hardly believe it. I tried to calm the beast by eating out of the fresh jar of peanut butter, and then adding chocolate when needed. I have not stopped since. Anyways back to this morning. I stared at the jar very intently knowing that both of my house mates had already left for class. So I walked downstairs in my PJ's and messy hair. Stood in front of the garbage can. The blood pulsing though me with a straight that would help me do it. So I threw it right into the basket and walked away as fast as I could. I then walked upstairs and washed and changed for class. When I left the house I knew I had stop letting myself eat that way. Nonna could not be an excuse for eating so poorly anymore. I had to move on. I will, I think I can.

In a way the stupid peanut butter was more then just comfort food. It was a whole lot of reservation that I have been holding on to. I need to start getting back some of my personalty that I feel like I have lost these past few weeks. Its not as if I am better now that the peanut butter sits rotting in the bottom of the garbage can. Maybe its just one step in a long and winding road. I beg you my friends, if you get the chance to throw out the peanut butter please do.

A Mass for Nonna

I am home for just about 24 hours. There is lots I need to do here. Maybe more like lots of things I want to do here. I went to a mass today for Nonna. If you don't know the practice basically in the catholic church you can pay about 10 dollars to have a mass dedicated to someone who has passed away. It was at a church on the north side of the city, thats where Nonna first lived when she came to America. I could tell everyone there was Italian. The area is not so exclusively Italian anymore but the people who go to church are. It felt closer being there. I am glad I got to go.

We also cut down our Christmas tree today. My mom fell in love with one of the first ones we saw, she said it was a sign from Nonna. I am not sure about that but its a nice tree. Nonna loved every tree we brought home. Christmas was so important to her and for all the right reasons. She loved so much spending time with family and giving us kids presents. Even though she never had much to give. She loved cooking and being joyful. I could not think of anyone who had a more beautiful Christmas spirit.

Lastly my mom told me today that Nonna did leave us some money. I thought she was pretty much flat broke and I never cared much. I am really glad though because my mom decided to spend it on fixing the house. Our sofa's are so old and uncomfortable (one of them is from Nonna's old house.) She is going to buy new ones and maybe she might have some money left over to help pay for another family vacation. Not that the money means anything to me really, but I am just glad my mom will get to have things in her house that will remind her of Nonna.

I guess none of this is bad really. So I am doing ok right now then. Thats new for me. Tomorrow I go back to school. Is that when it falls back apart?

thinking gets me in trouble... i should just stop

I think about everything. About my past. About my future. About others past and future. I even think about thinking. Thats what I am doing now right? When I hit a topic that bugs me I normally stop dead. It will fallow me around like a very annoying monkey clawing into my back. I will think and think and think for hours about the one topic that I can not resolve in my own head. I go off topic, but I always seem to come back to the thoughts that taught me with answers but never reveal them. Its like a puzzle or math problem that has no answer but always seems like it does. It could be something in my past. It could be something I am worried about in my future. Sometimes its to private to even admit thats what I am thinking about. So i just keep it hidden inside my brain and let it stomp around up there distracting me from simple tasks. Life becomes so difficult to continue on with when you have so many unresolved questions. What if I tried harder... I don't think it works like that. So this is me singing off, and going to try to stop thinking. Got any advice?

What will this quarter mean to me?

Its my third day of classes. I think I already know what the key battles will be for me. I have so much more class time this quarter. I have NO time for lunch breaks at all, so I am sure I will be hungry most of this quarter. Don't believe me? here: http://www.rit.edu/~srd0626/winter.html Thats my winter schedule. It may seem to you great that I don't have class till 10am, but when I cant try and sleep till 1 or 2am then might not fall asleep till later, it causes a problem. Its not that I could do it anyways its just I know I will be very tired, and underfed. Have I mentioned I am taking 18 credit hours and according to RIT 18 credit hours = 34 hours of homework. I am not even kidding, they say for each credit hour there should be 2 hours of homework. I have not taken 18 credits for a few quarters now, last time I did I was not working... I am working now. Anyways I could go on and on but I am going to stop.

Someone I don't talk to much IMed me earlier. He said “sometimes you just have to say "i'm happy" to make it true; even if it does hurt” I think that sounds just about right. One thing it does not address is: Do I want to be happy? It may sound like a stupid question but I think you all can relate to not even wanting to be happy anymore. I think if I can make myself want to be happy first then maybe I can make myself believe I am happy. Hope that makes sense to you all.

The world is painted white again

As the first major snow is raging outside, I find myself hiding in my room under crochet blankets. I got back to school yesterday. It was not so much leaving home that hurt so bad, but when I got here and realized I had to go back to "normal" now. The past two weeks have been totally insane. The lows and highs have been some of the deepest and tallest. I feel emotionally exhausted but all my friends seem so happy rejuvenated from there breaks. I wanted to see them, so I went visiting but I found myself brought to tears. I can't even explane why but I just could not be around them I had to run away and hide. I have not been so upset since her funeral. I spent the night in my room shut away even from my roommates. I feel like I am so different so sad that I cant even bear to do the things I used to. If I was home I might be ok, because everyone there went though the same thing I did, but here everyone is just happy. Maybe school work will distract me a little. I hope so because sometimes the pain is just unbearable.

Godmother Stefanie

I have never been so proud of a little baby in my life. I am going to be a godmother! My cousin asked me today. If you don't know, being godmother is a pretty big deal in the Italian world. It religious yes but also has to do with the parents giving the kid another person to look up to. I am so honored to be Vinchenzo's Godmother.

He is sick now though. He is still in the NICU. They had to put him on oxygen because his O2 levels were down. That scares me so much. It sounds familiar does it not? He is going to be ok though. He is because I am going to be his godmother. I think Nonna would be so happy today.

Here is my future Godson: (and yes a full head of hair and only a day old!!)

Sad

I got a sudden wave of sadness. I was setting up the Christmas decorations today for my mom. I know she wont do it if I don't and since I leave tomorrow I figured I better. It was the stockings. I took them out and realized there were 5. mom, dad, brother, sister, and nonna. It was so swift. Just knocked me right off my feet like a huge gust of wind. I flash back to every Christmas morning for the past 20 years. My mom and dad sitting on the sofa watching. My brother and me on the floor unwrapping presents. Then when we were done I would go wake her up. When we were younger she would wake up on her own but not recently. I would sit with her and help her open all her presents. She loved presents. She would be so excited for even just a pair of socks. She loved simple practical gifts. It just cant be Christmas with out her it just cant be.


Going up to see the baby now. He is in neonatal intensive care still. Seems like he is having some breathing problems. I really hope he is alright. I just cant take it if he is not alright. I miss nonna.