Again...

I am behind in work. I have a paper due friday on a book i havent finished. I read slow and wright slower. I am worried I may have to as for an extention or something because I am just so busy. I havent gotten much sleep eather.

I feel guilty. I feel like my mom is facing so many more problems and I cant even help. I have to work on papers and projects. I hate myself for that. I really do. I cant stand to hear her cry on the phone every day. It just adds to the heartbeak. With Nonna the way she is and my mom going mad how can I get my work done?

It was not suposed to be this way. I am suposed to be there for the both of them.

walk the quite walk

go outside. its quite amazing what you may find. A tree worth a hug. Grass just asking to be rested on. the outside can abe so wonderfull. just take the time to enjoy it. lay under a tree for a few mins and think of nothing but what is around you at that exact moment.

i promis if it helps me it will help you.

Hope

I havent spoken with many of these people in weeks. I have been in my own world. You were never invited to that world. Its nice to know now that you still care. Even though i cant say what i am thinking. Even though i cant share what i am going though. Even though you dont even know the half of it. Its just nice to know there are people near that care. Its really nice to know that. Becuase even when i am happy i still miss her.

Its the simple times

Its the simple times that you spend with people that make everthing else ok. Its not like I ever expect all this from you. Its not like i wouldent live if you were gone tomorrow. But at that moment you saved me. You talked to me about things that made the world seem safe again. How did you do it?

Sometimes it just takes a stranger. To quitely remind you that people love you. I forget that a lot. Maybe the world is not any less complex, and maybe my pain is not any less. But if i can know that at that time you cared then i can try to move on. I will know that someone in my future may care just as much as you did.

its days like today

I over slept because I was up till 4am trying to read my book that I cant seem to focus on. So I am getting a late on my photo project. I missed another class as well and when I was in my third class I started to break down. So many tears filled my eyes I could not see my teacher so I ran out and cried in the bathroom for almost 20 mins.

Its today that makes me miss her so much. I am alone in all of this. I have to try and figure out my schedual for next year, but I dont know what to take. I have to try and read this book, but I cant seem to make it work. I have to try and make up for my late grade, but how? I have to do it all alone with out her behind me.

Is it selfish? I want her here for me. I want someone here for me. I am tired of feeling alone.

You just never know

I find my self wondering: How will it happen? How will it end? When will it end? Will i be there? Do i want to be there? Will my family fall apart? Is she going to be in a lot of pain? Will i fall apart?

But nobody can answer these questions. I wish someone could, because i hate not knowing...

The sky is blue and it reminds me...

Lots of work to keep me busy, but on the 1/4 mile walk back to the dorms i cant help but let my mind wander.

I think of the beautiful days past, back when i was a kid. I would come home from school, and Nonna would be there waiting for me. Normaly with some kid of snack. She was a stern woman and she would make sure i had a full glass of milk with my cookies. She would then take inventory on our homework even though there was no way she could help us with it. She only went to school for a few years in Italy. We would then wander outside, and she would watch me and my brother play. We once taught her how to play basketball. She dident like playing though, thought it was silly.

Is it posable that that was even the same life? I dont know, but I know I miss her more then anything and she is not even gone yet.

Driving back to school

She used to cry when I left for school. She would say noo dont go, dont you love me? I would allways say YES and dont worry I will be back really soon. Now that things are worce, she dident even notice. I gave her a huge hug today and I was the one who dident want to let go. Its as if she is ready not to see me anymore but I am not. Its just not fair, I had so little time with Nonna. She has been sick since i was 12 and i have been taking care of her since I was 14. I dont mind really, she was there for me when I was a kid so why would I mind?

So now I have to try and focus on work and school because that is what she would have wanted.

I guess what worries me most...

Most of my life has been about her. We came together becuase of her. We stayed together becuase of her. She is my family and I worry about what will happen when she is gone. That time is comming soon and i can allready see my family is starting to fall apart. Its just not the way i want it to be. but who am i to try and stop it.

So here goes...

Here goes lets see if i can fly into the wind. Lets see if I can wright down what i am feeling. Here to share and maybe bring something to someone else. Dont know if it will work out but if it does it may be something beautiful. Something pure from me.