not much

Even though I feel like there is so much I could update about, I am finding myself at a loss for words. I have been busy for the most part. Super Tuesday is coming up and I hope everyone will go and vote in whatever primary or for whatever candidate, if your state votes then. If you want to know who I support I would he happy to talk about it with you, just shoot me an email or IM.

As for my social life, it lacks greatly. I work, and work until I am to tired to say the word work. Then I find myself pretty sad. Today has been a long long long day. I am still in class. When I get home all I will want to do is nothing.

Anyways on grandpa's suggestion here is a link to a magazine that my college produces.

http://cias.rit.edu/~signatures/
----> Just click to enter the site then at the bottom right there are four postcards click that. Then choose "Sort by most viewed." For some reason that puts mine first. Its bubbles. Finding this online copy of the magazine was the one bright spot of my day.

Just in case you cant figure it out, here is the image.

weekend over

I did go to the party but it was not much fun for me. I guess it was good to see some of the people but I wanted to leave sooner then when my ride was leaving. Anyways today my parents were here. I guess it was alright. I wont elaborate more then that because well its dangerous grounds. Thanks for thinking of me my friends.

work work hide hide

The more homework the easer it is to hide. Lucky I have lots. I don't hardly leave my room on the weekends. Although tonight one of my friends is turning 22 so I guess I should go to the party for a bit. I don't think my heart will be with it. I feel like I am in some sort of trance I cant slip out of. I just have to keep working for the imposable grade. I am trying my hardest but its not enough.

My parents are coming up tomorrow. So I guess that ill have to leave the room tomorrow as well. I hope everyone is doing better. I feel like I am regressing. I hope I am alone in that. Thanks for reading even when I have nothing to say.

and i am scared

it hurts to feel so alone. i know i have friends out there. here in town, and all over the country. its just is not the same. when i put my head down and cry i find myself wishing there was someone to put there hand on my back. but if i turn around i quickly remember there is nobody there. i never felt so alone in my life. every breath i take hurts just a little more. should i go home to find some help? or will it only hurt more to see and remember "she is not there."

Funk

I have been in some kind of bad place lately. Anti-social is easy around here. Not many people around so I just lock myself in my room. I have enough homework to keep my busy. I am really good at just shutting people out. Even you all. I have been having this short recurring dream lately. That people are calling my name and then someone grabs my arm tightly. Thats it. Weird I know. As I told Dave this morning that last night my dream changed. It was something silly with someone putting makeup on me. As I told him I remembered I had another one last night. I dreamt I got to see my Aunt Julie. I have never had a dream about her, and it has been so long since I have seen her that in my dream I was not sure if it was her. But when she laughed I knew it was. I helped her walk over to a chair and she told me It was going to be ok. I was so happy to see her I did not think much of that line then. Now I am realizing it means so much more.

I don't think I feel much better... but at least I have got the feeling back that its going to be ok.

Also I am going to discontinue comments on my blog for a bit. I would just rather nobody feel like they have to comment. It will come back don't worry, and until then most of you have my email address. I'll be OK. My aunt told me.

After an Awful day

44 seconds made me smile.
thank you.

Alone

I live in an apartment that is just right for 3 girls. Problem is my two roommates have boyfriends. This means I am the only true resident of this apartment. I am alone an awful lot. Nobody here to talk to except my computer. It makes me miss her even more. I have no family around to distract me. My friends are all two busy to visit. I am alone.

If I decided this morning to just stop going to class, nobody would notice. If I decided to eat everything in the fridge nobody would care. Even if I burned my apartment to the ground I doubt my roommates would notice for a few days.

My big family is far away. They are to busy with there own crazy lives to care much about me right now. I might be missed by them every once and a while I am sure. But fact is they are not my family anymore. Its time I start a new family.

No comments can be made to make me feel better on this one. I know you all care but honestly you are not the same as a real family. Right now it just hurts to much.

Martin Luther King Jr Day

No matter what color you are, I ask you today to think about what you could do to help forward all that MLK stood for. It is so easy to forget where we came from, but we must not. Its not over yet, we still have more to do to make all of god's children truly equal as our country so promises. Take a few minuets and listen to this famous speech. Realize he spoke of about every one of us, not just African Americans, and his words still ring true today.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3939859745825675359

"for my kids"

It was them who came to this country 50 years ago. They came with nothing. Many with small children. Many with no job or marketable skill or any kind. Some were barely just kids themselves. They came because they knew what a hard life was like. In Italy nothing was easy. They all worked hard for very little benefits. A little bit of store bought food but mostly home grown on the farm. Long days full of manual labors that were literally back breaking. It was not a fun life or an easy life. So they came here. But if you asked any one of them why they came it was always "for my kids."

When they got here it was not so much better. Most of them worked in factory's right when they got to America. Once again hard back breaking work that nobody else wanted to do but they did it happily. If you asked them why, it was always "for my kids." They did all they could to make life better for there kids. Buying books for them to read, sending them to school every day to learn things that they never dreamed of learning them self. Most of these people never went to any kind of school. They learned to read and write on there own. So one day they could sent there kids to college to learn everything.

They did it all. Against all odds, and when they had no support from anyone. Any time in there life if you stoped just for a moment and asked them why they moved so far from everything they ever knew they would always say the same thing. "For my kids."

This entry is for Azi who passed away today. He was one from there generation. Every loss of someone from that generation is a loss from my past. Nonna, Azi and many others that put me here today. Who gave me this opportunity to learn things that they never even dreamed about. I am forever in debt to these people. I wont ever forget what you did for my parents, me, and my kids. You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

I think its called Self Destruction.

Not sure why. Or what reason. Just happening.

Sickness

I feel life I have been sick. Still am. Its not a cold, or the flu. Its something harder to explane. Sitting in my room alone most every day this week for hours and hours at a time. It has rotted out my soul. Not sleeping well eaither. I am trying to get better but its not as easy as one would think. I spent almost 2 hours today doing nothing but resting, taking a long shower and covering my body in lotion. I thought it would help. I lit a candle to see if the smell could heal me. To clean out my inside i got a really tall glass of water and I am just drinking it down. No soda for me today. Maybe this all is helping a bit but I still feel in a hole so dark that this candle is hardly glowing. I have a big scary midterm on Monday, I think I really need that to be over. I just have to keep holding on... keep moving forward... I am trying...

Could not fall asleep last night till late. I woke up early this morning and went into work. I work in a lab that opens at 10am so I got there around 9 but kept the door closed till 10. I just sat there for that hour not doing much of anything. Even once I opened the door up nobody came in till 11. Most of this week I have felt so alone. I am in some kind of pit and I cant see the way out anymore.

I keep moving forward with my head down
staring at my feet and the pavement below them
not looking ahead at my future
or behind me at my past
where i am now is to much to handle

Buonanotte

And just as she waited for me when I got home from school every day, every night she would bid me a goodnight. "Buonanotte Sonadula" meaning good night musician. An old Italian saying I guess. She would often ask me to come up stairs and say the rosary with her. I did not say yes enough. Why is it i miss her so much today? Its not a special day. Its just average. But everything in this day reminded me of her, and has made the tears well over flow. I miss you waiting for me, I miss you saying goodnight. Nothing seems right.

everyday she waited

Every day I would go to school and everyday she waited for me to come home. She would go to church most days while I was in school but always get back home to wait for me. She would come out to the bus stop or maybe in the fall rake leaves so that I would get off and see her and start running. A giant hug would always be worth a run. She would ask me how school was always sounding so happy and proud of me. She would ask how much homework I had to do as well, making sure I was not fibbing. If there was not a lot sometimes we would play outside. My brother, nonna and I. My brother used to make fun of how I could not make a basket so Nonna would often play on my side and she actually had a strange talent for making baskets! Her technique was very different from the NBA style though. She would start with the ball under her legs and with two hands swing it right into the basket with one fast motion. She loved to play with us outside in the fresh air. When we all got older, I would come home to find her inside waiting. We would watch a bit of TV together and I would tell her about my day. She was always waiting for me, even when the Alzheimer's hit.

The door would open...
"CHI YEG?" (Meaning: who's there?)
"Its me, Stefanie"
"OHHHHHH Come up here, donga un abbraccio" (Meaning: give me a hug)

Always yelling, thats how you knew she was happy. I think about it every day as I drive home from school. I used to look forward to seeing her face and I would know she was waiting for me again. My apartment is empty when I get home, and I just cant help miss her. Wishing just one more time to have her yell for a hug or question me about school. With out that, it feels so alone sometimes.

Volunteer

Its time to get back into something that is not about me. I am not trying to be all selfless with this though trust me. I am going to do it to help people yes, but I think in the end I will be the benefactor. I need to start feeling needed again. I know this must make sense to you all. So I put in a few phone calls today. One nursing home called me back and said they have a weekly meeting on Friday and that she would bring me up and see what kind of Photography work I could do for them. I want to work with the residents as well, so when I go in next Monday to talk to her I will let her know. I also put in to have the Alz Assoc send me a "Volunteer packet." I notice something online that I am really interested in. Its called Memories In The Making. Here is the description:
Working in programs within the community with individuals with dementia using art as a tool to enhance communication, increase self esteem and celebrate memories. Commitment 1x/week in 6 week segments.

Sounds perfect for me! I really hope I can get evolved with that as well. Like I said I am not being selfless. This might actually benefit me more then anyone else. I just want to help those who are going though was I went though. Maybe then I will have peace.

you poke my heart

This is for all of you who poke my heart and make me feel good again if just for a moment. Its for late night conversations about secrets and stories. Its about the phone call that I never expected. Its about that last blog comment you left for me. I want you to know, that even when my day is so dark and blue. I still feel the little poke at my heart that makes me feel warm and whole again. I don't know how I would do it with out you.

2 months

It's been 2 months since she left me standing here alone. I am going to cry today.

homeless

i find my self repeating
i want to go home
i want to go home
i want to go home
but the only home i have ever known
was the one where she lived
so where exactly do i want to go now
where she is i can not fallow
no choice
i want to go home
i want to go home
i want to go home
but the only home i have ever known
was the one where she rested
so i find i sit and wait
for the day i find my home
once more
i want to go home
i want to go home
i want to go home

i want to go home

My latest project

My newest project in my graphic design class is a self portrait. It was really hard for me to get started on this. I was not happy about the topic and complained about it a lot before I made myself do it. (ask grandpa Dave) Anyways last night I stayed up quite late getting started and I finished this morning. So here it is.

Trying

I have to try so hard now. I feel like its only getting harder. My school work just does not seem so important. My friends seem so distant, but really its me who is distant. Do I need to try harder? I feel like I am trying so hard but it wont make a difference.

I did get to see some old friends today. It was good to see them. We have been though so much the three of us. Some things include: middle school, high school gym, abusive parents, boyfriends, and pregnant classmates. These are the friends who they were talking about when they said "true friends." I am glad to have them, and I know even though we attend different colleges now we will forever be connected.

Mean while I just want to give a shout out to you my grandpa. One of the nicest guys I know, and probably the kindest as well. I'll be here when you get back tonight like you have been for me so many times.

Come what may

Seems like this blog like Lori's is just different now. Its not about a caregiver anymore. The thing is no matter what happens my mind always seems to come back to her. I miss her so much sometimes it hurts. Maybe I am afraid of forgetting her, or maybe because I really just still hurt. Whatever it is I just want to say, I miss you Nonna. I think about you every day and almost every hour. I wont ever stop missing you. No matter how many years my life has left I wont ever forget what you mean to me. I love you, and I promise you.

My city through a fish eye part III

My city through a fish eye part II

My city though a fish eye

The weather

The weather has been strange here. Sure the calendar says it January but it has lied to me before so I don't much trust it. The wind yesterday seemed annoyingly happy. It tossed my hair with ease and lifted all my friends feet right off the ground to soar though the clouds with the birds. Mine always seem frustrating heavy and gravity effected. My mood is dark and cold even when January is a warm as 68 degrees. Today the weather is strange too. Its still the wind that worries me. Like a movement of change blowing though my life, I never know what it will do next. What could you possibly do to me, wind, that would cause more pain and self doubt. You came for the ones I love now are you coming for me as well? Maybe I am just doubtful. Maybe the wind I see is simply part of me changing and moving like we all do. I guess there is no way to tell what the weather will do tomorrow. Maybe I will drown in a warm thunderstorm or even become strangely thirsty as the sun has no shield from my skin. I just cant tell until I wake and pear through my window, what lays ahead for my life.

Happyness

A friend told me today that 40% of our happyness can be determined by our selves. I believe that, its really all about frame of mind. If I wanted to be happy maybe it would be easer. Sometimes even when nothing is wrong I still tend to be sad. It was not always the case I don't think. I also read someplace that to have happyness a specific part of your brain must be activated. To activate that part of your brain you need to have a sense of purpose in your day to day life.

Anyways I wanted to also post and say that last night me and my friend saved a puppy. He was hit by a car 2 days ago and was hiding in a bush really scared. It was dark and I sat IN the bush with him until animal control came. He looked pretty bad but he had tags so I think he will be alright. An honorable mention goes out to my Grandpa David for forcing me out of the house. If it was not for that the poor pup would have been out there all night at least. I wonder sometimes why I cant just be normal...

Dottie

I have mentioned my grandfather and his store before. How he worked along side with my great Aunt Julie. Well this woman worked with them too. She is not a relative but became one because she was with us though it all. She was a wife with small kids when she was first hired by my grandpa but now she is in her late 70's. She worked the cash register for years and years and became a really great family friend. When the store closed in 1993 or 1994 (I don't remember exactly) we were not about to loose one of our most trusted family friends and she was not about to let us loose her. So she started working for my aunt who was in pretty bad health. She helped her by cleaning her house, watching out for her dogs and lots of other caregiver like things. This kept my aunt independent till the very end of her life. We were all very greatfull for what she did for my Aunt. Dottie is a wonderful woman who I have always had a liking for. She was much like my aunt but a bit younger. She came to a lot of our parties and she used to give great big hugs. I miss her almost as much as I miss my aunt and grandpa. She lives in Florida now. When my aunt died I think it really broke her up, so shortly after she moved away to be in a warmer happier place. Last time I saw her was at my grandpa's funeral. She came back up here just to be with us because she knew how much he meant to us all. She is from there generation. She is of the dying times, where family looked out for family even if you were not of blood relation. I miss that generation. It seems like they were the ones with the unconditional love. I miss being able to see there faces every day of my life.

The story ends a little happier though because her kids live in my home town and she was able to come visit when I was on break. When I saw her she said "OHH Stefanie you cant be taller then me!" She hugs just as wonderfully as she used to. She smells like my aunt used to as well. She is doing alright herself, and mostly wanted to hear about what I was up to. She would not believe that I only have one more year in college. She even demanded that I "take it back" after I told her. I did not see her for long but it was good. Just enough time to soak in the beautiful sight of someone who never stopped love me and the rest of my family. I miss you Dottie and I miss all that you represent. My grandfather, my Aunt, even my Nonna who used to shop in there store. Those times sure were simpler. I wont forget you, so please don't forget me.

Back and alone

I am back alright. I was glad when I first walked in the door both roommate were home. I was not alone. Problem is with in the first half hour they both left. Now with no food in the house and really empty stomach I am left to figure out dinner alone. I am glad not to be home, but I am not so glad to be back here eaither. What's is going to take to find happyness? At least tonight a good friend is coming over for a visit. Well anyways thats all for now I guess.

Stupid me and Politics

Why is it so hard for me to tell someone about Nonna. She is a pretty good friend and I have had a few chances but just was never able to say the words. She knew Nonna as well, so she has a right to know. I feel dumb for not telling her before now. I need to tell her just so I can stop thinking about it.

I watched the Iowa Caucuses today. I like politics, its one thing that I can normally agree mostly with my mom on. (never with my dad though) My dad was not around tonight though so me and my mom watched the first black presidential candidate win in Iowa. It was pretty amazing. I felt like I was watching history.

Even though Nonna never much cared about politics somehow it still reminded me of her. I remembered four years ago during the last campaign Nonna would see the same faces on TV all the time and she would not stop asking us about them. "Who is he? What does he want?" For some reason she seemed to be strangely interested in John Edwards. She also used to say "BUSH BUSH" when ever she saw president Bush on TV. So in order to help our sanity we made a cheat sheet of sorts, or maybe more like a cheat poster. It had photos of every candidate on it with there name next to them so that way when she asked us who everyone was we would just point to the poster that we had hung right next to her seat. It worked pretty well. I miss her and some days it just really amazes me how everything in this world reminds me of her.

Things were different

Sometimes I feel like I live in an insane asylum. My mom is pretty unstable still. She cries at the drop of a hat. I hate seeing her cry so naturally I do all I can do to avoid that. This means normally trying to reason with my father. That is not easy. He can be really difficult to talk to and its imposable to change his mind. He does a great job of pushing everyone away mentally and physically. Then you throw my brother in the mix when he decides to stop by and they really get going about politics or his job opportunities because he is set to graduate in the spring. I miss it when there were five of us sitting around the dinner table. I miss someone screaming "stata zit" when we get out of control. I miss having someone to hug and turn to when the others are unbelievably insane. I basically miss her.

I am going to go back to school early for no other reason then to leave here. I told this to a friend who knows me pretty well and he said "go, but there you will be alone, and lonesome." He's right. I really cant win can I?

The First

There is something so hopelessly romantic about the first of anything. Its a new start, how ever symbolic it may be. The first of a month, a year, or even just a week can mean something if you want it to. I guess thats exactly my point, that anything can mean something if WE choose to make it important. So since I am talking about first here my final list of things I did for the first time in 2007.

• My first 40 hour a week job
• Visiting an online chat room
• Having a "pen” pails (aka you all)
  
• Ear piercings: cartilage and 2ed holes
• Visiting someone I love in a nursing home
  
• Seeing Lion King in NYC
• Having a deaf admirer/stalker
• Visiting a friend (my age) in the hospital
• Visiting the health center at RIT for the first time
  
• Getting pulled over by the cops (but no ticket yet)
  
• First ever apartment; and paying bills on my own
• First time I had sushi (not so bad!)
• First college "C" (first since elementary school math)
  

Note: A few things have been left off just to make the list a little prettier. I think you would understand if you knew what they were. OH and also there could be more and I have not thought of them yet.

ALSO: I just noticed that blogger defaults to putting all my 2007 posts under a tab called "2007" and that tab is close! Now hows that for the symbolic start of something new? (take a look on the right hand side of my blog down a bit)