Vinchenzo Frank Trapasso

Welcome to the world my little cousin. You are loved so much already and your no more then 4 hours old. I wish the world for you. I know your life will not be easy, no life is. Its complex and there are many ups and downs. Chances are you wont have all the people you have today for your whole life. You have to love them as much as you can today, and when they are gone promises never to forget them. Live a simple but good life little Enzo.

I will post photos tomorrow of the baby. He was almost 3 weeks over due. He was due the day Nonna died. Mom is doing well, they had to do a c-section at the last minute because of some blood in her urine. He is still in the incubator so I did not get to see him today. Tomorrow I will bring a blanket Nonna made and give it to him. Maybe he passed Nonna maybe on his way here to us. I hope so.

Anyways tears of joy tonight... tears of joy.

better or better at hiding

The week is coming to an end. That worries me. Sunday I go back to school. It seems like years ago I was there. It seems like years ago I would worry about when to come home to visit her. Now there is nobody to worry about visiting. Except my mom of course. Its not the same though. No real need for it anymore. I feel so unsure about it all. About the rest of my life. About everything. I find myself starting to day dream. I will be talking to someone and thinking about something totally different. Its almost like I am in a different world then everyone else. I cant relate to them. What is going to happen me when I go back to school? Will I snap out of it, move on start thinking and dreaming of something new? Or will I be stuck, unable to move. I am scared. I am so scared. Afraid to keep walking and afraid to stand still. I just wish someone could give me answers. I wish that I could have had one last conversation with her. One more time she could have said my name. God when will I stop wishing for this because I don't know how much more my heart can handle.


ps Happy 201st post blog

updates

---> Death certificate came in the mail today. Says the cause of death is 1. Cardiac Arrest 2. COPD and 3. Alzheimer's. I guess I just did not think to ask when she died exactly what the cause was. In the same envelope from the nursing home is another womans death certificate. Somehow they mailed us hers by accident. After the shock of seeing Nonna's I guess I just did not care. My mom was more angry then me.

---> Process clean up. My mom keeps giving away things from Nonna's room. Seems like every day I hear her taking to my uncle or my aunt saying "do you want...?" Of course they want whatever it is. They want it all and my mom seems perfectly willing to give it away. Its not my choice I keep saying but don't I have any rights?

---> The coat. There is her winter coat in our down stairs closet. I was going to bring it up to her room so we could take it to the good will but somehow I just could not take it out of the closet. I can still feel her warn hands that I have not held for almost a month now. She has been dead for 2 weeks. Has it been that long??? I guess it has been. It still hurts like I was just told though. It has not gotten better. When does it get better? Does anyone know?

Three Years

March 2005: Its my senior year in high school. Not much more time to go before graduation. My mom tells me that my grandfather has cancer. I knew there was not much to be done about that kind of thing, but I guess I was stupid back then. My grandma seemed to be handling it all. Sure we visited him but we were not always allowed "in". My best friend's sister was set to get married some time in mid march. I was asked to photograph. It was the night of the shower. My parents dropped me off and picked me up and on the ride back home I knew something was dreadfully wrong. Nobody told me till the next morning though that he had passed away that night.

March 2006: Its spring break of my first year in college. I walk in the door and my mom and brother appear to be waiting for me. I knew my uncle had lung cancer but until now we had been hopeful. I thought that he would be able to live for years since he was just diagnosed a few weeks before. My mom said they stopped treatment and it would not be long. I only had a week off. I spent the majority of that week at there house. Waiting with family. When I was not at there house I was babysitting the children. Anything to help out. I was there the night he died. Right next to him when she stopped breathing, and I listened to every moan my aunt made. Nobody had to tell me he was dead that time.

November 2007: Finals week at school. I knew she was not doing great. She is so strong I thought she would hold out for me to get home. More then anything I wanted to be there for her and my family. I knew it would be hard, but I knew I had to do it. She died 2 days before my last final exam. I had to wait there. Wait to finish my exam and only then could I home to my family. I was closest to you, and I did not even get to say goodbye.

Three years have been hard. Three years I should have been growing into a normal adult but instead I feel more messed up then ever. I wish it was all different. I wish you could have seen me graduate from High School. I wish you all could see me graduate from College. I miss you. More then you could ever know.

blankets, scarfs, and everything crocheted

I woke up thinking of a time more then 5 years ago when Nonna made everyone in our family a scarf. Mine was purple of course. My brother had an orange and blue one for the basketball team in our area. My mom's was a teal. My dad's was gray. She made them for all her other kids and grandkids as well. Where did those go? I know we did not wear them much when we first got them. It was uncomfortable maybe? I started looking. I found a bag in the linen closet labeled: "Nonna's blankets" I remember about 4 years ago me and my mom had the idea to have her make baby blankets. That way one day I could have one for each of my kids. There is a bright pink one and a pale blue one. A yellow one and a white one. No scarfs yet. In the extra bed room, I find a basket of blankets. These are ones we used to use all the time but it seems like they maybe got replaced by something warmer. No scarfs in there. I remembered something my dad blocks the heater in that room with blankets to save a little money. I look over at the heater and I see something long and purple jammed in there. I pull it out and sure enough my scarf. Next I see a orange and blue one as well as a teal and gray one. I see now that we took advantage of her while she was here, just like the scarfs. Maybe we never fully cherished her until she was gone. I warp my purple scarf around my neck and sit in the cold room feeling the emptiness of my heart and the house.

So hard

Why is it so hard to breath. I never have had a broken heart like this before. I feel like everything is different but yet nothing seems to have changed. Its like being trapped in an alternate universe that looks just like the old one but with out her. It hurts so bad that I can't control my tears.

Thoughts

Yesterday I am sure was the start of something. Maybe the rest of my life. Maybe just a new phase. But there was nothing to plan. No funeral or thanksgiving. There was nobody to visit. No nursing home to rush off to. There was nobody to even cook dinner for so I eat rice from a bag. It was something new. Not sure I like it much yet though.

I miss her smell. Her over perfumed self. I miss the way she spoke. Half English half Italian. I miss her glasses. How she straightened them before she talked. I miss her clothing. Nothing fancy just plan.

Yesterday we got a letter from our local drug store. A condolence card. It was really nice of them to think of us. It made me feel pretty awful tough. I almost forgot about when she used to live with us how often I would have to go to the drug store to pick up her pills. She took so many pills it was an hour project to get them organized every week. Sunday nights normally my mom would do it. Sit around with her 15 pill bottles and put them into daily containers for her.

I miss how she used to talk about my wedding. She would say how much she wanted to be there and of course how much she wanted me to marry an Italian man. I am not sure I will ever be married. I am not sure I will ever even date an Italian man. I guess all I am sure of is if I do get married I will miss her so much on that day. Her earrings that she wore everyday of my life will be my something old, borrowed and blue. My mom promised me that.

What am I really thankfull for?

I have been thinking all day about how sad I am. About awful I feel. About just how much I miss my Nonna. What did that get me? Not much but an extra slice of chocolate moose pie that I did not have space in my stomach for. So here is my attempt to be thankful before the last few moments of thanksgiving is up.

My list of Thanks
-for the food around me
-my dog and her companionship
-Nonna moving in with us when I was born
-my little cousins
-my mom even when we fight
-the time I had with my grandpa
-A chance to get to know Nonna's life before me
-That I still have one grandparent here on earth
-For my Gale, Nancy, Lori, Betsy, Chris, Nancy M, and Johanne for being as close to big sisters and mothers as anyone could be on the internet.
-For Terry being a friend and father to look up to.
-For my grandpa David. Sticking around and never willing to give up and the strange kid on the east coast. OH and his Emily for adopting yet another cousin.
-The constant ability of my heart to stay hopeful for the future
-And encase I missed anything, I am thankful for love and faith.

Thanksgiving what?

Its pie day. (the day before thanksgiving) Who knew it could happen with out Nonna? She did not celebrate thanksgiving for the first 45 years of her life as she lived in Italy till she was 30. When my mom was 12 or so she made a big stink about not having a turkey like all her friends families did. So thats how this Italian family started celebrating thanksgiving. Now we do it all, just like good Americans should. Nonna used to tell me, "Stefania, I am Italian, but you, YOU are American." She had it pretty right I guess. Even last year she would help us make the pies. She could cut the apples, thats was easy enough. She loved food and family and any excuse to get those two things together was great in her mind. Its just not the same celebrating anything with out her though. Its not a celebration at all with out her singing through the house. I miss her voice so much already. I just cant bare to miss her anymore then I do right now. Its almost like the colors of the world are more dull with our her.

I hope for your thanksgivings you can find someone to hang on to. Someone who makes your colors bright.

Funeral and Wake over

Today was the funeral. I cried a lot of tears. It seems so imposable that she could really be gone. I find myself thinking about the things she should be doing right now. The things I wish she was doing right now. I find my self wondering about the nursing home. About her room- now empty. It seems pretty stupid to be thinking about this stuff when I just saw her body being lowered into the ground.

There was one good surprise today though. My mom decided last minute to do a Eulogy of sort in the church. She did not tell anyone so when the priest said her name I and the rest of my family was shocked. Not only was that a surprise but her words were as well. She said that we were here to celebrate two things. Her mothers death and her mothers life. She said how much faith Nonna had and how she really almost looked forward to the afterlife because she would join her husband. She then spoke of how caring she was in life. How she never wanted to hurt anyone ever, especially anyone in her family. She talked about her surprises to. How Nonna moved to America when she was just 30, and how she gave up so much to move in with her and her kids(me). She was a great grandmother to both me and my brother while we were growing up. So in the end my mother told me and the rest of church to not be afraid of taking a chance. To live life like she did because she truly had a great life.

I was so proud of my mother today. I realized that when I miss Nonna the most I wont have to go far to find her in my mother. We may have disagreements (a lot) but I am so proud to be her daughter today.

long long days

Its been such long days. Planning the funeral has been a problem to say the least. I am Italian so that means we argue. About everything. Always. The only time we stop arguing is when we are dead. So never the less we argued about every step of the planning today. It hurt me to see us all so angry but there was not much I could do. Tomorrow is the wake. It will be a very long day for sure. I just hope by the end I can still look at my family and not hate them.

Here is her Obituary:
http://www.legacy.com/Syracuse/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=98111193

home

god what a mess this is. i just got to my house after being at my aunts since i got into town. everything is a mess, and i don't mean just physically. apparently i look like crap, or at least people keep telling me. i guess i am most upset right now at how very unimportant i am. in the span of 87 years of this womans life i don't even form a dot.

tomorrow

Taking my exam in the morning and going straight home. I hardly studied. I am only doing this because its what my mom wants. Tomorrow I will be able to forget about school for good.

Wake on Sunday, Funeral on Monday. 4 out of town cousins coming in tomorrow night. Somehow none of it seems worth it. I wont be able to breath till Tuesday. Even then family will lurk for a week. I want to be with them, but part of me knows I need to do this alone.

Its hard for me to put into words my thanks to all of you. I guess I just did not know how connected we all are, that you all really do care. Just thank you.

its over

she passed last night after my uncle got there. mom called me a few hours ago. she begged me to stay and finish my exam. i guess thats what i will do.

Weird

Its weird how things seem to happen a specific way. This morning one of my only good friends called me. She lives in Portland. She was in tears, total tears, I could not understand a word she was saying. So I calmed her down in attempts to figure it out. She then explained that her mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital on a ventilator. Her mom is not much older them mine. Maybe 55 or 57. She has not been in the best of health though. She does not talk to her dad, and her bothers are well less then perfect. I am worried about her. She knew about Nonna, but not that she is almost gone. How do you tell someone that once they already have so much on there mind? She met Nonna more then a few times. I don't know.

Its weird thinking about my future. It weird thinking we no longer have to look for a new nursing home. I feel like there wont be any point left to anything after another week. Like my family will just stop functioning because we wont need to anymore. My family may not be like yours. We don't really get along. Will I stop even going home once I don't have a reason to anymore? Worst part is that I would not even be thinking about this if I was only there instead of stuck here. In hell. Just waiting for my final to be over and my life to totally change. These days could not seem any longer.

Believe

I keep finding myself thinking... its not true. She has been though so much lately this has got to be just another scare. So many times I have gotten phone calls and it has seemed like the end. Is this just another joke? Will I go home and find her wondering where I have been? Its not though. This is the real thing. She wont be there, or if she is it will just be her body. I wish I could know this for sure. I wish I could see her. Even my uncle will see her before I do. He leaves tomorrow to come back home. It does not make me any happier to know he gets to be there and I don't. I need to study. How do you study when you know your what I know?

My Whole Life

I know its not much, I mean I am only 20 years old but I have lived with her my whole life. My whole life I have been holding hands with this woman. I have not known anything else. She was there when I started walking. There to put my on the buss the first time, and every time after that. She was there when I got sick. She was there for our June Birthdays together. She was there when I did good in school- she would give me a few dollars for each A. She was there when I failed Math in the 7th grade. She was there I graduated High School. She was there when I left for college. Thats right I left her for college. I guess she must have been glad. I mean not on the surface but deep down she must have been glad. Not a lot of her grandkids went to college. I left her though, and now she is leaving me.

I am so afraid to call my mom. I feel like anything could have already happened but she just has not called me yet. I will call though, because its all I have. We have to do this one alone me and Nonna. I cant be there for her. Stefanina e Nonna sono solo mon.

Our Father
Padre nostro, che sei nei cieli
Sia santificato il tuo nome.
Venga il tuo regno.
Sia fatta la tua volontá.
Come in cielo cosí in terra.
Dacci oggi il nostro pane quotidiano,
E rimetti a noi i nostri debiti,
Come noi li rimettiamo ai nostri debitori.
E non ci indurre in tentazione,
Ma liberaci dal male.
Nel nome del Padre, del Figlio e dello Spirito Santo.
Amen.

Hail Mary
Ave, Maria, piena di grazia,
il Signore è con te.
Tu sei benedetta fra le donne
e benedetto è il frutto del tuo seno, Gesú.
Santa Maria, Madre di Dio,
prega per noi peccatori,
adesso e nell'ora della nostra morte.
Nel nome del Padre, del Figlio e dello Spirito Santo.
Amen.

the long goodbye

My mom is making substitute teacher plans. She called my Uncle- he is getting on a plane in 2 days if there is no change. Looks like she might not be waking up this time.

O.K.

Its been a bad few days but I took a shower this morning and felt like I was washing a little bit of it down the drain.

Mom says we wont be able to move her right away but we are going to keep trying. I got pretty bad about that last night but it does not help to be angry. She still will have to go back to that place when she is healed. We thought it would be better on the first floor but it only got worse. How do you deal with such guilt? Some good news the doctor said that someone needs to be at her side 24/7. This means a personal nurse while in the hospital. This is great and really what she needs all the time. We have said it before but now that the doctor ordered it we can sleep a little more soundly for now. The hospital is safe for sure. What will happen when she has to go back?

My throat feels better this morning. I think I am starting to recover. Thanks for all your advice and love. I look forward to eating with out pain. lol

Lastly I want to add this quote from one of my favorite TV shows, MASH. Last night when I remembered it I felt better. "Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice" ~Sidney Freedman.

Sorry

I guess I confused people with my frustrated update yesterday. I was and still am not feeling great so It was hard to put anything into type.

Yes she fell yesterday morning broke her nose and orbit bone, plus has a black eye and has a very bruised and swollen face. My mom called I wanted to hop in the car and drive home right away. I felt dizzy with pain and figured I would probably crash before I got half way there. They sent her to the normal hospital but they transfered her to a specialist at Upstate. Thats where I worked this summer. It makes me want to be there even more knowing she is there. She must be so scared and in so much pain.

I just talked to her again so I am adding this. She says she is very much out of it, they keep giving her morphine because she is unable to stay under control. Last night my mom was up there till 1am because they could not keep her calm. When she left Nonna freaked out and they had to tie her down. My mom is pretty angry that this even has to be happening. So she decided to try and get her into a different nursing home. I have told her before to try and get her transfered but I guess now its just very clear we need to. I really don't want her going back there ever again.

My throat is swollen pretty bad. I cant eat or drink much but I desperately need to get better now. I have a final Monday. I just need to finish this quarter and go home. Please let me just finish this quarter and go home. Please.

I asked my mom to put the phone to her ear. Her eyes were open but she was not talking. I said I love you and I could hear a gargle noise on the other side. She had a mask on but I could tell she was trying to say I love you too. I just broke down. Still tears and flowing down my face and I can feel my heart beat in my neck. She was trying to say I love you.

title

Phone call from mom: she has a black eye riped nasal cavity and broken nose. I thought she was supposed to get better care on the first floor. I feel so out of it. I wish I could go home now, I really want to go home now. :(

my throat hurts almost worse then my heart

sickness update

I felt wore this morning so I made myself do it. I went to the health center and course there was not much to be said. They thought it was mono, so I had to pay 6 dollars for them to figure out it was not. She said it was not strep. Then she asked the big one, "how is your life going? Are you eating well, sleeping well, and not to greatly stress?" I said "ummmm" for about 25 seconds before I said "a little" Basically she yelled at me for 1. not coming in sooner and 2. for not taking good care of myself. Then she sent me out there with the only advice to sleep, eat, drink, take 2 alive twice a day, and mucinex. Why was it I had to come in earlier for someone to tell me that again?

idk I feel really crappy even with the prescription strength alive dosage. i just want to go home now. :(

I give up

Health Center Appointment for 11:15, I hate doctors.

This is Nonna on good old 3N, her home since march. Not anymore though. She was moved to the first floor. Its not that it has changed anything for me. I have not gotten to see her since the move. I just liked knowing where she was, exactly and the people she would see everyday. They knew me, I am the young girl with the camera. Some even remembered that I go to college. Thats more then what Nonna remembers. It was not a great view from 3N, its in the city so everything is ugly. I just had gotten used to it thats all.

I remember when I was a kid I used to cry a lot. I had some kind of strange separation anxiety, like the kind puppies have when there past owners did not spend enough time with them. Except I would not chew at the furniture I would just cry if someone tried to leave the house with out me. Nonna would be gone for just a half hour and I would be crying for more then an hour. She would come home and find me in the same place she left me. She would make me some food and then I would feel better. She believe in holding your head up high no matter how afraid you are. Sometimes I still feel like that kid who does not want to be left alone. This time I have to make my own food, and I cant cook to save my life. She is leaving me for good and I cant even be there to say goodbye. What would she want me to do? I know she would want me to be strong. Keep my face to the clouds. I know this in my heart and in my head. So I am trying, I really am.

white light

I am walking towards the light, and gosh darn it I am taking you all with me. After all what is the after life with out a few good friends to chat with?

you got me

A friend got me thinking...

Why does god choose one person to join him and not another? I want to understand I do. I want to have faith that Nonna still has work to be done here on earth but its just so hard to see it. This might be the most selfish and terrible thing I have ever said on this blog before but I feel as if I have to say it now. When my good blogging friends lost there loved ones I almost felt forgotten. Just another finger pointed at me and my grandmother saying your different. You don't get peace yet. I have for a long time struggled with feeling like I don't fit with this group. I am 20 years old. I go to college. My grandmother is in a nursing home. I don't even live in the same town as her anymore. I feel so different so much of the time. I cant fit in with people my age, and I cant fit in with people who are 40 something and have lived so much of life.

I also wanted to add. I did not realize that I was the first of most of us to start blogging. Now it makes sense because when I started in April nobody would respond at all. It was Nancy who first responded to my blog in April but she did not have a blog back then. It was not until July 26th that I got responses from some of the people (Terry, Lori, Nancy) who now regularly visit my blog. Its funny looking back at this family and how we started. After that hardly a post has gone by with out a comment or two. Thanks for reading guys I don't know if I would still be bothering with this blog if it was not for you guys appearing and making it all seem worth while.

PS Betsy your the only one who OUT-blogs me from the people I link to on my blog! lol why did it take us so long to find each other?

AIM or Yahoo

Hey does anyone here use AIM or Yahoo? I talk to Gale and Dave on those but I was wondering if anyone else had it? If you don't but want one its free and I can send you the link. I think it would be nice to talk to any of you in more of a conversation form sometime.

November

I like to start each month thinking about what I expect from it. Will I be happier? Will I fall in love? Make new friends? Met old friends? Trust someone new? Loose someone? Will I cry more? Will I change? Will I stay the same? Will the world change? Will I fall bigger then I ever have? Or will I fly higher then I ever have? There is no way to really tell what this month will bring. I could spend all month guessing and therefor prevent anything at all from happening to me. I may be frightened of change but I might be more frightened of nothing changing. What if the end of this month comes and I am in the exact same place I am right now? I guess then I will have to wait for December.

Nonna update: I have been so sick lately that I have not been paying as much attention as I normally do to Nonna on this blog. She has been moved to the 1st floor of the nursing home now. It sound be better but I worry that it will only confuse her more. She was in a very small way getting used to the people on 3N. If she was not well at least we were. The first night she was moved she fell. She has been in bed since. Her O2 levels are not right. The past 2 days she has been fighting that and not much else. Don't ask me if this is something big or just another bump in the long road ahead for her because I don't know.