being home.

Its hard being home, really hard. I miss her so much seeing her room the way it is now makes tears flow. My family is not always doing great. I worry about my mom. I really worry. I worry about myself too. Every night I seem to slip into this haze of sadness. Replaying it all over and over and over again until I pass out at about 4am.

Yesterday was hard. I had a dentist appointment. The family dentist is on the North side of town. About 25 mins from where I live now. There are a lot of things I had to drive past to get there. Nonna's old house that she used to point out to me, even though I never knew her when she was living there. My mom's high school. My Aunt's old house, where my uncle died. St. Francis day center, where Nonna used to go more then a year ago for adult day care until she got kicked out. Then the nursing home too. Right down the street from the dentist office. I find myself wondering, how many faces would I know on 3N? How many have left forever? Are the same nurses there? Do they remember Nonna? Do they remember me? After the appointment I knew what I had to do. I had to visit Nonna because the cemetery is also very close by. There was about 3 feet of snow to jump over to get to her grave. They had put her death date on since the last time I had been there. November 14 2007. I wanted to sit with her for a while, but both of my entire legs were sopping wet. So I just had enough time to tell her I miss her. Let her know about how I am a Godmother. I know she would want me to visit her like this, talk to her. I just cant help but tear up even now. So many memories I visited yesterday. And today well today I miss her just as much. So much it aches in my throat and in my heart. I miss the way it used to be, when the north side was home and all these places were happy.