Reason

The reasons I keep going come in many different forms. Its never something i expected. Its never the same twice. Sometimes I need a few things to make me remember its worth it. Little things that i don't notice right away. It has been June a woman on my grandmothers floor at the nursing home. It has been people from the Alz forum or the COPD forum. It has been a cousin who may not be old enough to understand but seemed to understand better then her parents. It might be words of wisdom found in a Sub Restaurant. Or it could be the discovery of a poet who expresses things that I feel. Once in a while its the feeling of appreciation, the feeling that i have done a good job with something. Its the feeling that things can change and they wont always be this way. Its being forgiven for something stupid I have done, and even harder forgiving myself for something stupid i have done. Its knowing that even though we are all to die alone, we live together. Its the clouds in the sky being white instead of gray. And the soft muttering of the words I love you from someone who doesn't normally say that to you. Whatever the reasons are the point is I will go on.

faded colors

cant remember home. full of empty things. life sways and jumps at random. to trust is to be flawed, don't trust. mistakes full of pain. like a blanket that is never warm. your memories guided. ideas taught. a blank face now. nobody worth loving. just a washed out creature wandering in the halls of this earth in the direction of the wind. if it wasn't real. if it was a lie. no its real. there is nothing else but faded colors now.

but its not you, its always been me.

Lion King

Here are Lyrics from a song in Lion King.  It was beautifully performed and
i hope you enjoy the lyrics like i do.

Where has the starlight gone?
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream
Lost to the night
Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break
Oh endless night
Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side
Guiding my path
Father, I can't find the way

alone

The weekend was fun. No human deaths, but my ipod Ralf did die. It was very upsetting for me. I loved that ipod and cant really afford a new one. Anyways if you ever get a chance in your life see Lion King. It is so worth it. It was amazing. The music, the visuals, everything just amazing.

Now that i am home and sitting on my bed again... i find myself worrying. How was she this weekend. Did they forget her, did she cry? How is it this summer is almost over? How come i cant make myself want to go back to school? Whats going to happen to her when i go back and how will i stay focused on school. These things just keep re-playing in my head over and over again like broken record. I can make myself stop for a min but it just comes back when my defenses are down. Then i feel sick to my stomach with worry. My head will start to spin. The distractions of New York worked but it seems i have fallen back into the pits as soon as i got home. and am i alone in this? maybe not but it sure feels like it.

New York City

The magic, mystery, and glow of this glorious city calls me. Its spinning heads scream my name and the yellow blurs on the streets wait for me to call them. The tall buildings wave in the wind as to flag me in. The colorful lights that never go out guide my path. I have finally found a place that moves just as fast as i do. Its never ending cycle comforts my mind.

I took that photo last year on my 2 day trip to NYC. Tomorrow morning I leave early and am spending one night in the city coming home Sunday late. I hope you all have a great weekend.

i am sorry nonna

Where am i and where is my mother
is that my husband or my brother
do i know the person sitting next to me
why do these people know my name

I will get angry if you don't tell me
and i wont believe anything you do
don't try and reason with me
or lie to me either

if you just stand really still
in the corner of my mind
not trying to help
or change me in any way

i might be ok
i might forget my questions
go on in happy ignorance
on this circle i have found myself in

A letter to the month...

Dear August,
Well hello there Mr. August, Its not so nice to see you again. I thought i told you last year not to come around this neck of the woods anymore. You just cant listen can you August. I don't want to move again- and I don't want to go back to school. I told you that last year but you still came again. Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Why cant you stay away Mr. August? Don't look at me that way... Its not my fault that you mean i have to go back soon. I didn't ask for school to start in September. Your hot, and sticky and I don't like you. Cant you take a hint I don't want you in my life. Take your birthdays and get out. Your not welcome anymore.

I wish to be left in July.

Sincerely,
Stefanie

Thank you

You guys have been so sweet, i hardly ever get comments on this blog, and well it means a lot to me to know that someone is reading. I have been down lately and anything help. The end of the summer is hard, not because summer is anything great but just because its goodbye again. Nonna is not better, she wont get better. So I have to wait 2 hours from her until the day i get the call. I worry about what I will do when I get that call. Will someone be there to catch me if i fall?

Thank you again. I know you will be here the day it does happen. You will say things that will make me feel like your resting your hand on my shoulder. Your good friends, who really care. I wont forget that.