Martin Luther King Jr Day

No matter what color you are, I ask you today to think about what you could do to help forward all that MLK stood for. It is so easy to forget where we came from, but we must not. Its not over yet, we still have more to do to make all of god's children truly equal as our country so promises. Take a few minuets and listen to this famous speech. Realize he spoke of about every one of us, not just African Americans, and his words still ring true today.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3939859745825675359

"for my kids"

It was them who came to this country 50 years ago. They came with nothing. Many with small children. Many with no job or marketable skill or any kind. Some were barely just kids themselves. They came because they knew what a hard life was like. In Italy nothing was easy. They all worked hard for very little benefits. A little bit of store bought food but mostly home grown on the farm. Long days full of manual labors that were literally back breaking. It was not a fun life or an easy life. So they came here. But if you asked any one of them why they came it was always "for my kids."

When they got here it was not so much better. Most of them worked in factory's right when they got to America. Once again hard back breaking work that nobody else wanted to do but they did it happily. If you asked them why, it was always "for my kids." They did all they could to make life better for there kids. Buying books for them to read, sending them to school every day to learn things that they never dreamed of learning them self. Most of these people never went to any kind of school. They learned to read and write on there own. So one day they could sent there kids to college to learn everything.

They did it all. Against all odds, and when they had no support from anyone. Any time in there life if you stoped just for a moment and asked them why they moved so far from everything they ever knew they would always say the same thing. "For my kids."

This entry is for Azi who passed away today. He was one from there generation. Every loss of someone from that generation is a loss from my past. Nonna, Azi and many others that put me here today. Who gave me this opportunity to learn things that they never even dreamed about. I am forever in debt to these people. I wont ever forget what you did for my parents, me, and my kids. You may be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

I think its called Self Destruction.

Not sure why. Or what reason. Just happening.

Sickness

I feel life I have been sick. Still am. Its not a cold, or the flu. Its something harder to explane. Sitting in my room alone most every day this week for hours and hours at a time. It has rotted out my soul. Not sleeping well eaither. I am trying to get better but its not as easy as one would think. I spent almost 2 hours today doing nothing but resting, taking a long shower and covering my body in lotion. I thought it would help. I lit a candle to see if the smell could heal me. To clean out my inside i got a really tall glass of water and I am just drinking it down. No soda for me today. Maybe this all is helping a bit but I still feel in a hole so dark that this candle is hardly glowing. I have a big scary midterm on Monday, I think I really need that to be over. I just have to keep holding on... keep moving forward... I am trying...

Could not fall asleep last night till late. I woke up early this morning and went into work. I work in a lab that opens at 10am so I got there around 9 but kept the door closed till 10. I just sat there for that hour not doing much of anything. Even once I opened the door up nobody came in till 11. Most of this week I have felt so alone. I am in some kind of pit and I cant see the way out anymore.

I keep moving forward with my head down
staring at my feet and the pavement below them
not looking ahead at my future
or behind me at my past
where i am now is to much to handle

Buonanotte

And just as she waited for me when I got home from school every day, every night she would bid me a goodnight. "Buonanotte Sonadula" meaning good night musician. An old Italian saying I guess. She would often ask me to come up stairs and say the rosary with her. I did not say yes enough. Why is it i miss her so much today? Its not a special day. Its just average. But everything in this day reminded me of her, and has made the tears well over flow. I miss you waiting for me, I miss you saying goodnight. Nothing seems right.

everyday she waited

Every day I would go to school and everyday she waited for me to come home. She would go to church most days while I was in school but always get back home to wait for me. She would come out to the bus stop or maybe in the fall rake leaves so that I would get off and see her and start running. A giant hug would always be worth a run. She would ask me how school was always sounding so happy and proud of me. She would ask how much homework I had to do as well, making sure I was not fibbing. If there was not a lot sometimes we would play outside. My brother, nonna and I. My brother used to make fun of how I could not make a basket so Nonna would often play on my side and she actually had a strange talent for making baskets! Her technique was very different from the NBA style though. She would start with the ball under her legs and with two hands swing it right into the basket with one fast motion. She loved to play with us outside in the fresh air. When we all got older, I would come home to find her inside waiting. We would watch a bit of TV together and I would tell her about my day. She was always waiting for me, even when the Alzheimer's hit.

The door would open...
"CHI YEG?" (Meaning: who's there?)
"Its me, Stefanie"
"OHHHHHH Come up here, donga un abbraccio" (Meaning: give me a hug)

Always yelling, thats how you knew she was happy. I think about it every day as I drive home from school. I used to look forward to seeing her face and I would know she was waiting for me again. My apartment is empty when I get home, and I just cant help miss her. Wishing just one more time to have her yell for a hug or question me about school. With out that, it feels so alone sometimes.

Volunteer

Its time to get back into something that is not about me. I am not trying to be all selfless with this though trust me. I am going to do it to help people yes, but I think in the end I will be the benefactor. I need to start feeling needed again. I know this must make sense to you all. So I put in a few phone calls today. One nursing home called me back and said they have a weekly meeting on Friday and that she would bring me up and see what kind of Photography work I could do for them. I want to work with the residents as well, so when I go in next Monday to talk to her I will let her know. I also put in to have the Alz Assoc send me a "Volunteer packet." I notice something online that I am really interested in. Its called Memories In The Making. Here is the description:
Working in programs within the community with individuals with dementia using art as a tool to enhance communication, increase self esteem and celebrate memories. Commitment 1x/week in 6 week segments.

Sounds perfect for me! I really hope I can get evolved with that as well. Like I said I am not being selfless. This might actually benefit me more then anyone else. I just want to help those who are going though was I went though. Maybe then I will have peace.