The man in my life

Last but not least there is my god son. On the 1st of march it becomes official. He will truly be the man in my life. When I feel really down as I did I just have to remind myself of him and the rest of my little cousins. For them I want to go on. They are the future, not my parents or Nonna anymore. Its about me and them. When he is older I will be able to tell him all about Nonna. For now though I just want to hold him in my arms. I miss him.

The three of them

My cousin married at the age of 23. He married Maria. A really wonderful woman who happened to have had a child when she was 16. Thats Darren. He was 7 when they got married. We became quick friends. I was 18, but 7 year old guys are my favorite. So course we were best buddies. Now a days he has discovered girls his own age and we dont hang out as much, but thats alright he is a good kid. My cousin Vinny and Maria then had two girly girls! Angela and Vinchenza. Here are the three of them. I love them all greatly.

First and Second babies

My Heidi has always and will always be my first baby. I inherited her when my aunt died. I was only 13 when she died. One of the first things I asked my mom was "whats going to happen to Heidi?" My mom said "Aunt Julie would want us to keep her." So that we did. Even though my dad hates all animals and I am sure my childhood home will never have another pet after Heidi.

I am really close to most of my cousins. They are all a lot older then me though. My mom is 7 years younger then her sister, and 10 years younger then her brother. This makes me about the same amount younger then all my cousins. This little girl is my cousin's kid. His first. She was born in 2004 so I was still living at home. I love her so much. Her name is Angela just like Nonna. Her and I are best friends. I baby sit for her all the time when I am home, also her half brother, and now her younger sister too. I love them all so much.


So here are my two babies on the floor of my kitchen. Heidi is a bit old to be playing with then one year old Angie, but she wont bite.

Ramblings

I hit some kind of bump Thursday. My car of life went flying off it and into the preceding ditch. I was mad. At myself mostly, but others too. Not there fault. I was sad. With the past, and why the hell cant I change it. I made myself sick even.

You know nobody else is going to make me stop this. I have to do it myself. I have to tell myself to stand up tall again. If I don't I will surely not make it.

My prayers go to the students, staff, and families of all those at NIU. As I sit here miles away from where it happened I cant help but realize that it has happened to us all. It can happen anyplace. Virgina, Illinois, will New York be next? I pray for all my peers tonight to. I hope they never find them self in that desperate of a situation.

Three Months

Has it really been three? Thats what the calendar says. I still miss her so much. I still lay awake at night trying not to cry. I am better though. I feel like I am better. Just not a lot better. I still feel so alone. Three months. Three months.

Names (inspired by grandpa Dave)

In the Italian world names are no small deal. They mean everything. They are often handed down from generation to generation with out skipping anyone. Nobody used to have middle names in Italy, so it was a one shot deal. Nobody on my mom's side has a middle name until me and my brother. My mothers parents are named Angela and Nicola. My mothers name is Angela and has a sister, Filomenia and Vinchenzo. My fathers parents are John and Rose. John's father was names Giovanni (Italian john), and he is in a long line of John's. My fathers name is John. My brothers name is John Nicola (after both of our grandfathers). So in my house we have: John, Angela, Angela, John and oh yeah Stefanie Rose. Named after nobody in her first name, and her grandmother in her second. I guess thats all I have to say about names. Just that I am different, you cant deny it, its in my name.

sleepless nights

As a kid, I hated being the last one awake. Some nights I used to cry because I could not fall asleep. Nonna was a heavy sleeper so normally my mom came in. I would make her promise to watch me until I fell asleep. Then she could go back to bed. I am 20 years old now, but I still hate the feeling of being the last one awake. It happens every night. I don't sleep much more then a few hours lately. Sometimes my day wont have been all that bad, but when the night comes and I am all alone and cant find sleep, I just cry. Maybe I too need some head dulling medication.

Photos

I posted a great photo of Nonna holding my second cousin Angela. (named after her) I really love that photo but it makes me miss her so much. She wont ever know my kids but I will make sure they know her.