June 13th 2008

St. Anthony's day. My Nonna's birthday. She loved her birthday so much. She loved anything sweet and she loved family, so her Birthday was the perfect excuse to get the both of those things together. My birthday is 10 days later. So we always celebrated together. When I was a kid and she would wake me up on the morning of her birthday I would say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY NONNA." I always knew the date of her birthday because she liked to remind people about it. She would then respond and say "yes and your birthday is coming real soon." We were always together with this. We had 19 birthday parties together. Up until last year, our last joint party. Now I have to learn how to do it alone.

I miss her intensely.

People who love me

In my life I have been lucky enough to have a fare number of people who love me. They have stood by me in many situations. When I was a baby and all I knew how to do was poop and eat, there were people who loved me to take care of me. When I was a kid who skined her knee there were people who loved me. When I was a teenage and looking for anyway to rebel from these people, they still loved me. Some of these people are still here, and I am really great full to still have them. Others are no longer with me. I miss them, but I have not forgotten them.


So my point is this. I have to do them a favor. I have to love me too. If I cant then what happens to the people in the future who wish to love me too?

Re-post

I am re-reading some of my old posts and I found this one that I wrote a year ago. I wish I did not still feel this way.


i curl up into a ball in order to be safe. safe from the wars i have been waging on myself on my family and on my enemies. fighting every day just to stay alive just to keep kicking and scratching my way though this thing called life. i face you every moment in my dreams in my reality, because its always about you. the way i act the way i am its because of you. this war you have been waging on yourself you cant win. you got no place to go but down. no place to hide. no place to run. i can hold your hand till the break of every new day but it wont change a thing. its your time thats ended and mine thats about to start. thing is i keep hiding away from it. away from the chance that i might miss you to much. and you keep holding on, not letting go because i am not ready. and i believe you. i cant do what you did. i cant hold it together like you did. what do you want from me. i am just 20 well those years they turn fast. those steps are big. i may not know what i want but i know what i have to do.

i have to stand up on top of this shit and act.

its this world of love and hate really brings me to this place of

fear.

Photo's from my trip

My Friend lives on a farm and 4 cats had litters this year. I wanted to take one home but I really cant right now. I named this cat Little Stef. If my friend keeps it then she will keep the name.
Me and little Stef taking a nap.
Me and one of the youngest kitties. Only about 3 weeks old. SOO cute!The trip was good for me. I wish I could have stayed longer. I am home now and its really hard. I just need to hold my breath until the school year comes around again.

Going Home

Today I go home for the summer. I literally delayed it a week by visit a friend out of town. But now its time to face the facts... I have to go home. My mom has missed me and on a few levels it will be very nice to be around her again. I will miss my Nonna more being home. I will just try and keep busy for the summer. Keep out of trouble, and before I know it it will be time to go back for my last year of college. Thats just a bit scary.

Happy Birthday Grandpa face

No matter how old a person is, a Birthday is an important day. We may not always want it to be but it really is.

So you are my last living Grandpa, and I am so glad that we got to meet. I love you for who you are, and how you love me. Thanks for adopting me and letting me into your life. Once again. Happy Birthday Grandpa face.

End of the year

I know I have not posted much lately. So I figured I should before it really is the end of the year. I have one final thing to do before I am done with class work. Then I have to pack. I am staying for the graduation of Saturday. There are so many people who I have grown to respect and trust who are graduating and I am so proud of them. I wish to see them walk across that stage. So Saturday after graduation I will go home for a night. Then I am going to visit a friend out of state for a few nights. I hope that will be the rest and relaxation I need before starting my summer at home.

Its going to be a long summer. One I am not looking forward to. But when It is over, so is my life in that house. Its my last summer really. Next summer I will enter the real world. I can only hope that I am prepared for that when the time comes.

stef the idiot

So I was sooo tired at around 8 last night. I just had to take a nap. I set my alarm for an hour. Somehow I missed that because the next thing I know its 4am. I feel guilty and my throat hurts. I also feel really alone. Nobody noticed or cared that I did such an idiotic thing. So now I will sit here alone pretty much all day long.

Sorry I just had to "tell" someone and this was the only place I could think of.