The Closing Bell

It was April 22ed 2007 when I started this blog. I had joined the Alz Forum right after the start of the new year. I decided that it might be helpful for me to write down what I was feeling, and then not only could I decided what to do, but my new friends could help me on my path though the hells of Alz.

I was a sad 19 year old who did not know what to do about much of her consurn. Some of my biggest problems in caring for Nonna had to do with my age. Nobody wanted to take me seriously. Not my family, and later the people at the nursing home. My blogger friends helped me find a bit of confidence behind my opinions, as they always have treated me as an adult.

In April Nonna could spend a lot of time alone, and be fine. Then she had to start going to day centers, eventually we had help come to our house, and lastly she went to a nursing home. Each phase was a challenge for me as a caregiver, but you all here stood by me and helped me as much as you could. This is something I will never forget.

You consoled me. You supported me. You laughed with me. You shared with me. You even loved me. It has been over a year since I started all this, and looking back I had no idea it would turn into something so beautiful. Thank you my friends.

Nobody posts as much as they used to, its a new life for us all out there. I am not willing to give up on this family though. I wont say I am going ever, I am here for you like I knew a family should be. I just need to put this thing to a close a bit. After all we all have been though so much, to dwell in the past to much is bad for the soul.

But let me say it one more time before I go. Thank you my dear friends. No matter how many more years I live I wont forget you.

I want to go home now

I really want to go home now. I mean back to school. Thats it, there is no home here anymore. I want to go away for a long time. Not sure when I'll come back. It just hurts being here. I want to go now.

Is it possable that I am actualy excited about something?

I dont really remember the last time I was excited about something, the feeling is so foreign to me. I am excited for school in the fall, I am excited to be going crazy actually. I am planning to take 19 credits, thats 38 hours of class a week. Then working at least 10 hours a week in order to be able to eat all of next year. That would be good wouldn't it? Anyways here is my class schedule for fall, plus an independed study which is not on there. http://schedule.csh.rit.edu/?s=ZywnCxC

The frustration of living at home has really got me jumping to go back to school. I am less afraid right now for graduation mostly because I know I have so many options. It will be ok wont it? I will jump in less then a year and lets home I dont break anything when I hit the ground.

I made it out alive

I made it though my first birthday with out her. I cried a lot, I hyperventilated a bit, but here I am standing at the edge of June glad to not be facing another birthday alone. Anyways I think of you all often, and I know you must think of me. Our blogs may have very well served there purpose and moment for us already, but I shall never forget those who helped me get though some of the hardest times in my life.

Happy Fathers Day

I was born with 2 fathers. My daddy. My Grandpa. They both loved me very much. For men its not an easy thing to show it though. Neither my dad or my grandfather was one to say "Stef, I love you." Sometimes I think they were both scared of a little girl. My dad only had one and I was the only granddaughter for 7 years until my cousin was born. My grandpa was known for a few things. Jokes, meatballs, and hugs. He was always happy, always eating, and always making jokes. He owned a grocery store for much of his life, and the people who shopped there all loved him. Sometimes if I tell people my last name they say "OH are you related to the family that ran Burnet Market?" When I say yes, they normally ask how my grandfather is doing. The first few times I had to tell a total stranger that my grandfather was gone was hard. I never expected such sadness from total strangers. As for my father. I love him very much. He is the one who was there when I feel by the turtle tank at the zoo. I saw his face then and I could tell he was scared that I was badly hurt. He was also the one who helped out at my softball games. He never is good at saying it but I know he loves me.

I would not be truthful if I stopped my post there. There is someone else who is vastly important to me, and who is in fact my grandfather. We adopted each other, and I am sure we will never let go. We are stuck together now, and I am very glad and very lucky. I have never met this man before but I have seen his smiling face many times and I have spoken to him when I really needed someone to talk to. I have befriended him as well as his loving family. I love him like I loved my real grandpa. So Happy Fathers Day Grandpa Dave.

June 13th 2008

St. Anthony's day. My Nonna's birthday. She loved her birthday so much. She loved anything sweet and she loved family, so her Birthday was the perfect excuse to get the both of those things together. My birthday is 10 days later. So we always celebrated together. When I was a kid and she would wake me up on the morning of her birthday I would say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY NONNA." I always knew the date of her birthday because she liked to remind people about it. She would then respond and say "yes and your birthday is coming real soon." We were always together with this. We had 19 birthday parties together. Up until last year, our last joint party. Now I have to learn how to do it alone.

I miss her intensely.

People who love me

In my life I have been lucky enough to have a fare number of people who love me. They have stood by me in many situations. When I was a baby and all I knew how to do was poop and eat, there were people who loved me to take care of me. When I was a kid who skined her knee there were people who loved me. When I was a teenage and looking for anyway to rebel from these people, they still loved me. Some of these people are still here, and I am really great full to still have them. Others are no longer with me. I miss them, but I have not forgotten them.


So my point is this. I have to do them a favor. I have to love me too. If I cant then what happens to the people in the future who wish to love me too?

Re-post

I am re-reading some of my old posts and I found this one that I wrote a year ago. I wish I did not still feel this way.


i curl up into a ball in order to be safe. safe from the wars i have been waging on myself on my family and on my enemies. fighting every day just to stay alive just to keep kicking and scratching my way though this thing called life. i face you every moment in my dreams in my reality, because its always about you. the way i act the way i am its because of you. this war you have been waging on yourself you cant win. you got no place to go but down. no place to hide. no place to run. i can hold your hand till the break of every new day but it wont change a thing. its your time thats ended and mine thats about to start. thing is i keep hiding away from it. away from the chance that i might miss you to much. and you keep holding on, not letting go because i am not ready. and i believe you. i cant do what you did. i cant hold it together like you did. what do you want from me. i am just 20 well those years they turn fast. those steps are big. i may not know what i want but i know what i have to do.

i have to stand up on top of this shit and act.

its this world of love and hate really brings me to this place of

fear.