sadness and anger

i can be so angry and so sad as well as happy in the same day. My life is like a yoyo. Up Down Up Down only with my life you dont know what comes next an Up or a Down. I am glad to have known a lot of people. I also spend a lot of time wishing I dident know some other people. I guess thats the way it is sometimes.

Just when you think your as low as you can go, a child will apear and tell you they are lost. You yourself are just as lost as the child but you walk together for a short time and you help the child find her way. By doing this you have giving some peace to your child that still feels lost.

Dear God, I have wander though my life with out a lot of things. No reason to guide me. No hope to enspire me. Nobody to protect me. Its been just me for a long time. I walk quitly. I try not to mess things up for others. I try to help the people who I love. I try and avoid the people who hurt me. Sometimes I get lost god and sometimes I get scared. Most every day I feel the weight of the entire world on my sholders. I dont mean to carry it all but somehow it just finds its way to me. Like a rotting pitt in my stomach I feel its pain. I feel it in my heart to god. I feel it when I look into the face of a child with burns covering his body. God why did he suffer? Why does the most pure thing in the entire world have to be scared by the people who are suposted to love him? I could feel the pain come back to me. To everyone because we are all conected. God will you give me hope will you give me faith and will you give me reason to keep living my life? If you cant then who can?

first day on the job...

Well it went allright. I was really scared! I think at one point I was shaking. After we got my computer to work and I got my hands on the website I started to understand better what was going on but I feel like maybe my boss thinks I know things I dont. :( Well I think it can only get better from today- we both just figuring things out...

deap breath, hold in, cross fingers... and jump

Washington DC and back

The family went to DC this weekend to drop off my brother for a job there. It was less then fun. Now i feel like general crap. I am so tired but i dont think i could sleep if i wanted to. Everthing is buzzing around in my head. I start my job tomorrow. Its my first real job- I wonder if i can handle it...

for now I am going to try and STOP and calm down.

heart palpitations and more

I said to myself now that I have a few mins to myself maybe I should post... but now i dont know what to say. I feel like to much has happened to even describe.

oh i did want to say thanks to who ever told me this "its just poop not toxic waste" b/c i found that very usefull yesterday.

more

I cant be your returning hero. I am just a college kid who barly make it though her last quarter alive. I am sorry.

i am here for you now...

its just that i am tired as well. and no i havent been here dealing with her and everthing but i have been crazy myself. you dont know how much everthing effects me. you dont know how tired i am. becuase i dont tell you anymore, because i dont want to add to your burden. but i cant subtract it all eather. i am only one person.

I dont fit in...

I really dont fit anyplace. Its like i am a puzzle peice from a diffrent box and i keep trying to find where i fit but i dont fit anyplace. Not at school, not at home. I want to think i fit in with everyone in the chat room but sometimes i just feel so diffrent from everyone there. They are so kind to me but sometimes i just think its not where i belong.

Well time to straighten out for the summer. Its going to be a long one, full of NH visits, arguments with my parents, and working 40 hrs a week. I want to lookforward to going back to school but i dont even have that.