i miss her. i miss him. i miss the way it was. its not good to live in the past though. must think about the future. Or better yet lets just get though tomorrow. Then I can look at the next day. Thats not to bad, just make it though each day. Then before i know it time will have passed...

thankfull

today i am thankfull for:
- three grandfathers: I may never have meet you but you brought my family to this country for a better life, and for that I am thankfull; I miss you everyday, but you gave me something so great, the ability to love endlessly; You have been a friend and a family member with endless suport when i have felt lost- i wont ever forget that.

why do i feel like the only person who cares about the little family we have created in the caregiver chat/message boards. whats wrong with this world when the one group that you thought you could count of to be caring can only cause more pain on each other...

i curl up into a ball in order to be safe. safe from the wars i been wagen on myself on my family and on my enimies. fightin every day just to stay alive just to keep kicken and scratching my way though this thing called life. i face you every moment in my dreams in my reality, because its allways about you. the way i act the way i am its because of you. this war you been wagen on yourself you cant win. you got no place to go but down noplace to hide noplace to run. i can hold your hand till the break of a new day but it wont change a thing. you wont be going noplace. its the end of yourtime and the start of mine. thing is i keep hiding away from it. away from the chance that i might miss you to much. your not letting go because i am not ready. i cant do what you did. i cant hold it together like you did. what do you want from me. just 19 huh well thoese years they turning fast. those steps they big. i may not know what i want but i know what i have to do. i got to stand up off this and act. my loooove loooove loooove. its why i hate. i love so much that what i hate things that hurt my love. its because of love that keep me hiding from what i love. keep me curled up becuase i am afraid of loosing what i love. this world of love and hate really brings me to this place of fear.

its ok

"try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you
dont you know that everthing, yes everthing is fine"

Work was good today. I had an opertunity to work with new people. I went on another Child abuse shoot. Its sad going there, but in a weird way i feel good. Seeing how far i have come i guess. Tomorrow i will be going to a clinic to photograph a lot of children and there clief pallets. Sounds gross but its not bad, i am excited.

thanks to everyone from the chat, you guys give me a lot of hope.

it hurts

every time she looks at me with her empty face. it hurts me every time she asks who i am. it hurts that she remebers my uncle and my cousins who she doesent see very offten. it hurts because i care for her i see her every day i changed my life for her but she cant remember me. how do i know that she even loves me anymore is she does not know me?

i want to remember when she loved me, but that was a long time ago. i was a kid, everyone loves a kid. she doesent know me now. how do i know she loves me now? its almost like she is allready dead.

harder to wake up

She is getting harder to wake up. When i got there this morning it took almost 5 mins to wake her up. She started to move a little then she seemed like she could not open her eyes... or maybe she dident know how to, i dont know. She still eats she still can walk very little, i dont understand what all of these things mean. Is she going to drift away from me at any moment? Or is she going to be here like this for a long time... and do i even want that?

is it...

she left the milk out. haha she is 49 and she left the milk out. she forgot that i told her i was going to be home late today. she is stressed. its just stress. dont even imagin. dont even think of the posability. 49. its early right. to early. she is fine. i am fine.