nursing home blues

Its on my mind all the time. I have spent probably half my summer at this place, with these people. I remember the first day I walked into that place. Its just down the street from the hospital so the drive was not long. The Able medical transport man brought Nonna and us to the nursing station. Nobody seemed ready for us. The room that she was to move into was not emptied yet. The draws still full from the last inhabitant. She had moved on but her stuff stayed behind. They all cried a lot that day. I was quite. I was invisible. I knew the choice that was made to place Nonna there was not mine. I wanted to take her home- but i didn't say that. I watched as the residents wandered the halls. I listened as alarms went off. They cries muffled by beeping. I wanted nothing more to leave that place and never come back. I didn't think she would be there this long. Its been 4 months. More then 4 months since she has been home. It feels like a lifetime.

When I walk into this place at night I can feel the emotion flood back into me. The urge to just take her away is never ending. The urge to cry is uncontrollable. Its surreal being there, like I have been tossed into a time warp. To a time when everyone is old- nobody can do anything for them self and only tears and regret can fill the eyes of the onlooker. Not being able to do anything. Just pressing there nose up against the glass looking in on the one they love as they decompose.

I hope you never have to go to this place. I hope you never have to see these people. Once you do you will never forget, and you wont ever be the same. Best keep them out of sight out of mind for your own sanity. Its not like you can help anyways.

my head hurts so bad i can feel it in my foot

thats probably because i hurt my foot yesterday though. someone told me once if you had a bad headache to pinch the place between your thumb and pointer finger to relieve the pain for a little bit. well its not working. it feels like every thought in my head is physically jumping up and down trying to break out. i have to close my eyes to make sure they cant get out. disaster to the proportion of what was inflicted on Tokyo when king Kong visited.

i wish i had an Advil... is it illegal for me to ask for an Advil for Nonna and then try and sneak it for myself? maybe they would just give me one...

mama said there would be days like this

Tired and grouchy I woke up late. Didn't sleep much at all last night despite the face that i was in bed by 12:00. I had some kind of bad dream but have yet to be able to remember it. Its hiding beneath me waiting till i try and sleep again. That wont happen. Raining on the walk to work- got sopping wet. Then as soon as I get in I am informed of a mistake with one of the sites. Extra work for me. I feel lost in a sea of my mind. I keep spinning my body in order to counter act the spinning in my head. i think its just one of those days...

why

you wonder why things happen the way they do, why things are the way they are. is there even a reason for why things are the way they are? or is everything just random? and if everything is just random then whats the point in trying to change it? and if its planed out by someone out there then why doesn't someone help us change it?

its the way i feel

things become intense
my thoughts are uncontrollable
fears, anger, joy its all one
they grabs your insides and holds on
its not pain really
its not comfortable either
its just sort of there
unable to be named
inside the darkness
coming and going as it pleases

the wind it blows right into it
the sounds are louder
the world looks brighter and darker
the textures are harsher
the taste is stronger

its unbearable
you want to lay down
press your back on the ground
as though your spin has become one with the earth
allowing the clouds to fill your eyes
wishing never to have to carry on
its not pain really, its just hard

something inside

Its something inside that hurts
Something that weighs so much more then me
It has sprouted legs and arms that fill mine
Able no control me now make me walk and do
It gets idea's into my head and into my dreams
With out notice it can control my every mood and feeling
Sometimes it stops me from saying what i mean
Most of the time it confuses me or distracts me from life
It grows every day as it wins over another part of my body
Thriving on every fear and desire that remains
Not sure anymore which is which anymore
Was that me that said that?
This thief, this monster, it wins.

Just a simple thought

If someone tells me a joke or talks about meatballs or pasta. It doesent take much to remind me. I miss him more then noramaly these days. Even the crazyness in the Senate reminds me of him. He would love it, he would laugh at it. Maybe you remind me of him to. I like to imagin him and think he would stay the same things you do if he was alive. Its painful to miss him so. My heart breaks to think one day i might not be so easily reminded of him. One day i might close my eyes and he wont be there, his image on my brain will have faded. I would be able to remember him jokes or his food. He will have become nothing.

If i could just get one last hug from him. I don't remember the last hug he gave me. I wish I could.

he is gone

You got on the plane this morning and flew out of town. I wont miss you or your smell. You probably wont call, not when you get there or any other time. You will forget us all so easily, like it never happened in the first place. That will be great for you, your depression will clear up with out leaving a mark. Your anger will go down, and you might become a better person. But not for us, and not for her.

I wont miss you.