alone

The weekend was fun. No human deaths, but my ipod Ralf did die. It was very upsetting for me. I loved that ipod and cant really afford a new one. Anyways if you ever get a chance in your life see Lion King. It is so worth it. It was amazing. The music, the visuals, everything just amazing.

Now that i am home and sitting on my bed again... i find myself worrying. How was she this weekend. Did they forget her, did she cry? How is it this summer is almost over? How come i cant make myself want to go back to school? Whats going to happen to her when i go back and how will i stay focused on school. These things just keep re-playing in my head over and over again like broken record. I can make myself stop for a min but it just comes back when my defenses are down. Then i feel sick to my stomach with worry. My head will start to spin. The distractions of New York worked but it seems i have fallen back into the pits as soon as i got home. and am i alone in this? maybe not but it sure feels like it.

New York City

The magic, mystery, and glow of this glorious city calls me. Its spinning heads scream my name and the yellow blurs on the streets wait for me to call them. The tall buildings wave in the wind as to flag me in. The colorful lights that never go out guide my path. I have finally found a place that moves just as fast as i do. Its never ending cycle comforts my mind.

I took that photo last year on my 2 day trip to NYC. Tomorrow morning I leave early and am spending one night in the city coming home Sunday late. I hope you all have a great weekend.

i am sorry nonna

Where am i and where is my mother
is that my husband or my brother
do i know the person sitting next to me
why do these people know my name

I will get angry if you don't tell me
and i wont believe anything you do
don't try and reason with me
or lie to me either

if you just stand really still
in the corner of my mind
not trying to help
or change me in any way

i might be ok
i might forget my questions
go on in happy ignorance
on this circle i have found myself in

A letter to the month...

Dear August,
Well hello there Mr. August, Its not so nice to see you again. I thought i told you last year not to come around this neck of the woods anymore. You just cant listen can you August. I don't want to move again- and I don't want to go back to school. I told you that last year but you still came again. Why doesn't anyone listen to me? Why cant you stay away Mr. August? Don't look at me that way... Its not my fault that you mean i have to go back soon. I didn't ask for school to start in September. Your hot, and sticky and I don't like you. Cant you take a hint I don't want you in my life. Take your birthdays and get out. Your not welcome anymore.

I wish to be left in July.

Sincerely,
Stefanie

Thank you

You guys have been so sweet, i hardly ever get comments on this blog, and well it means a lot to me to know that someone is reading. I have been down lately and anything help. The end of the summer is hard, not because summer is anything great but just because its goodbye again. Nonna is not better, she wont get better. So I have to wait 2 hours from her until the day i get the call. I worry about what I will do when I get that call. Will someone be there to catch me if i fall?

Thank you again. I know you will be here the day it does happen. You will say things that will make me feel like your resting your hand on my shoulder. Your good friends, who really care. I wont forget that.

the way it has to be.

Its almost time to say goodbye again. Its almost time to hold my breath again and hope she is there the next time i visit. It hurts when he says things like "just go and forget about us." How can I do that when I know she wont get the same care when I am not there. How can I do that when she cared for me when it wasn't easy. But truth is I cant stay, just like I cant stop loving her. I have to get out of here. I have to be ME. I cant be what they want, and I cant do what they want. So I will go back. Nobody worry. This freak will go back to school where she belongs. Not because she has chosen to. Or because its where she belongs. But because there is no other option. Its just the way it has to be.

it was just a dream

not such a good night on Friday. I hurt badly. For some reason though I slept more then I have in well a long time. I had a dream to.

My grandpa knocked on the window of our 2ed floor living room. He has been dead 2 years now. When I saw him in the window I took out the screen. He came in and hugged me, one of those hugs that I have missed. Then I said how did you know to come now? He told me that someone told him now was time. He went into the kitchen where my grandmother was and he just watched her talk. She dident notice him. But my dad came and hugged him and smiled like i haven't seen him smile in a while. Then he left thought the window again. Next thing I knew I was talking to someone on my computer and I had told them what happened. They said "do you still not believe in god?" I said "no now I believe because who else could have told him to come today?"

that was it. my heart feels like jumping ship just sharing it with you all. thanks for reading though, really.

I just want to rip my insides out. So i hang on to this pillow in order to calm down. Maybe the feeling will pass. I can only hope.