all day

All day I couldent stop playing over that stupid dream. (see below) Its driving me mad. I thought about my cousin. About how I wish I could remember him better. He was only 22 when he died. Surfing accident while in the Army. Who was that woman and child? Was it his wife and kid? Is it possible to have a wife and kid if your dead? My mom's response on the phone... "it should have been me" I don't know what she means. The letters of Nonna's name, I found myself doodling them in my notebook when I was supposed to be paying attention. Also why was I just so angry? Will I be that angry when it really happens? Will I burn bridges like I burned the whole building? Will my family not even survive once my grandmother is gone?

questions all day, no work done

Dream

I had a dream that I need to share.


I got out of some kind film photography class and realized I was close by to the nursing home. So I decided to stop in to say hi to Nonna. I went up to the 3ed floor and it was really quite, I went into her room and my cousin Nicky was there, with a woman and a child. (this cousin died about 11 years ago) Nonna was in a rolling bed not her own. I yelled "whats wrong with her?" He just looked at me and said nothing. I yelled "call my mom Nicky, call my mom!" and he said "I don't use phones" So I picked up this really huge phone that just appeared next to me and called my mom. Nonna's eyes were very glossy. I told my mom what was going on she said "I am sorry it was supposed to be me, not you." I hung up the phone. I noticed these little letter pop up next to Nonna. They spelled out Angela Capasso. One by one I noticed the letters disappear. I pet Nonna's hair and held her hand. When the letters were gone, so was my cousin. I stood up with tears in my eyes and pulled out some kind of torch from backpack. I started to walk out and I threw the thing backwards. I walked out crossed the street and watched the whole building burn to the ground.


I am just a bit freaked out by that one.

thank you friends

thanks for holding my hand when i get scared. thanks for not running away when i feel sick. thanks for reminding me of things that are easily forgotten. thank you. thank you. thank you.

unexpected visitor

My father dropped in today. Have not even spoken with him for a while now. He was looking at a car in the area I guess. What made him choose to visit me I don't know. I was actually feeling good before that. 2 guesses on how I felt when he showed up though. I don't think anyone needs the second guess. He took me and my friend to lunch I guess if thats what you could call it. I never felt so sick so I did not eat a thing. (by the way I weighed myself today and found out I lost 4 pounds... yeah i needed to loose that but not by starvation) Anyways my mom called while he was here. She was clueless. She was upset. I was in the middle again. She picked up Nonna and brought her home today. She said it was just terrible. I wish I could have been there. I also wonder if it was quite as bad as my mom described it. Hard to tell when she is already upset. I sent my dad home only a few hours after he arrived with the most accord hug ever. I really could have done with out this added confusion right now.

god, i feel like i hate my family please let it not be true.

by the way i am sorry i am not a better friend.

HELP feeling sick randomly

I trust the people who read this blog to give me advice. Sometimes your the only people who give me advice. I know I probably ask for a lot of it sometimes, but this time I would really just like to be told what to do.

Since Sunday when I was sick all day I have been feeling sick a lot. Its not normal sick though, it comes and it goes and I have yet to find any real reason for it. Its also not like a sick feeling that I have had before. I have a stomach of steal normally but I have been getting so nauseous lately. For today for example: I woke up feeling really gross but I made myself a bagel but could barely look at it with out wanting to throw up. I was also sweaty and shaky and it was not that hot in my apartment. So I took the bagel with me and on the car ride my stomach calmed down a whole lot. I felt good actually started singing. Walked to class and sat down and then felt sick again. I tried to make myself eat a little of the bagel in class but couldent make myself. So after class I sat outside for almost an hour waiting for a friend to eat lunch with and at that point started to feel good again... are you getting the pattern? When lunch time actually arrived I felt fine until I started to eat and promptly had to stop.

Because of this I haven't really eaten a meal in more then 3 days... I mean little things here and there but nothing like I normally do. I also realized just how soar my body is yesterday when I was in juggling class (yeah lol) and just a simple shoulder role caused so much pain. I have never felt like that before.

I am just tired of feeling like this, but the Tums that I have been popping are NOT helping at all. Is this a stomach bug? or is this stress? I wanted to ask my mom about it but when we talked yesterday... well its just not the right moment thats for sure.

thank you sooooo much

they wont die

To many calls from my family had my heart open and soar when I walked into my film class this afternoon. The teacher started off by saying this "Maybe your to young to know the true fear of death..." I though, no I think I know that pretty well. He continued with "You maybe don't think about it as much as most adults do. " He went on to talk about two types of deaths.

Type one: Physical, no real explanation needed here you all know what I am talking about.

Type two: Being forgotten. Here is where I started to think of all of my caregiver friends.

See we were talking about how man has always worried about being forgotten so we painted each other, then photographed each other, and eventually made movies of each other. (hence the reason why we were talking about this in a film class) So going back to why I thought of you all. I thought of you all because I realized NO IMAGE, NO MOVIE, NO PAINTING can be better then our own memories of the ones we love. WE will keep living and we will keep telling people about the ones we love. So our LO's will never die that second death. We will make sure of that one.

First Day of school

Yesterday I spend the whole day alone and throwing up. Lets just say that you should never eat raw cookie dough. Not a good idea. I was nervous enough about school with out feeling so terrible the day before.

So today was my first day of school. YES Labor Day. AND if your wondering why we did not have labor day OFF well then wonder no more because the answer is: MY college hates everyone and everything. So no we don't celibate any holidays (except Christmas).

My day was O.K. It could have been better. First class scared the pants off of me. This is going to be the single worse class I will ever take at college I promise you. Its not supposed to be easy. Its meant to almost kill every student stupid enough to try and take the class. The name of the class is Opthalmic Photography. It is the photography of the eye and its the only diagnostic photography left. Meaning its the only way to tell if someone has a specific eye diseases it to have this type of photography done on them. Its sounds scary huh? Well it is!

My second class was not so bad: Film arts. We watched Road to Perdition. It was a very tense movie and did not help relax me at all but at least I was not thinking a lot about all the work I will have to do in Opthalmic. X_X

I come home to an very empty and very messy house. I might be the only one of my roommates who does not like to live like a pig. Oh how wonderful this quarter is starting out.

Apartment photo's

Here is a link to some photo's of my new house.

http://rit.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2065706&l=91009&id=24409121

P.S.
OH MY GOSH it's September!!!! UGGGG