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I have a few reason why I could feel really sorry for myself right now. In fact I was feeling really sorry for myself. I am pretty good at that I think. I don't even think most people would fault me for feeling bad for myself right now. I am not there though. This is not the time. So on the drive back to my apartment this morning I stopped at the farm stand and pulled all the quarters I could find in my car to buy these flowers.


They are for Russ and Helen. They are for Nancy and Lori. They are for my mom and Nonna. They are for people who have it worse then me but still are so strong. I think these flowers must be a gift from Russ and Helen. There beauty, could only be heaven sent. I only pray that where they are now they are surrounded by sunflowers that never fade. Thank you Russ. Thank you Helen. Please hold a spot in the sunflower field for my grandmother when her time comes.

I am so confused. I am so lost. I am so empty. I wish I could know things. I wish I could tell the future. I wish I could help people I love. I hope I can make people understand. I hope I can make a difference. I hope I am better then before.

I don't know what else to say. It just seems pointless to update about day to day business. It never changes. That new day which is supposed to come never does. A small moment of joy is always fallowed by a deep dark sadness. And the end? Where is the end? Others find the end. Other do. Not me. Not her. I am attached to a rope that has no end. Just keep moving. Just keep going.

A New Day

Like it or not today is a new day
There are people who are different
And some who remain the same so

Like it or not today is a new day
There are people who left this earth
who are not hear today so

Like it or not today is a new day
There are new people too
Born onto this world so

Like it or not today is a new day
The people of past and the people of new
we are all the same person so

Like it or not today is a new day
so say what you want
and mean what you say because
we know tomorrow
Like it or not will be a new day

For Lori and Helen

Look up my friend at the moon tonight
I see the same one you do
Its looks like the perfect place to sit
I would met you there just to chat and rest
We could lay down for a bit and breathe the air so deep

Look up my friend at the moon tonight
Its curved face shines so bright
We both could fly up above the sky
And lie around and remember all the good times past
Because there is only one moon and you see it to

Look up my friend at the moon tonight
We could sit there together and hold hands
Our seats above the ocean would be perfect
For our tears we would cry could silently fall
Into the pool of the past and remembered

Look up my friend at the moon tonight
In the dawn of a new day when the moon sets away
We will both keep the thoughts of our night together
Of this moon we can’t ever forget
All the tears we cried and stories we told

So friend if you ever feel alone remember
with every new day there is a new night
with every new night a new moon
and a chance to met the people you love resting in its crescent

waiting

Every time I go home I see that it is worse. I know her time is coming. I know it should be soon. Its just waiting for the call that is most painful. But I feel as if I have no right to complane when some of my very dear friends are waiting 24 hrs a day and they have to watch it happen right before them. Its just not fair. None of this. I will try and be strong for everyone but its hard. Can we just be strong together?

These songs are for you

There are lots of way to express things that I am feeling. I could write a poem, or sing a song. I don't I want to do earthier of those things right now. Music speaks to me so perfectly, if you find the right song that is.

I want these songs to speak to the few readers of this blog. I know you all are having some really hard times right now. I just want you to feel like I am putting my arm around you and letting you rest for a little bit. That I am giving you a hug right though the computer. In particular this goes out to but is not limited to Lori, Nancy, Flinty and Gale. I love you like family. I hope you get what I am trying to do with this post. I really mean it.

Sarah McLachlan: I Will Remember
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin’ in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

Jewel: Hands
If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear

They Live in You from the Lion King
There's no mountain too great
Hear these words and have faith
Have faith
They live in you
They live in me
They're watching over
Everything we see

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes I'll be there
You and I must make a pact,
we must bring salvation back
Where there is love, I'll be there
I'll reach out my hand to you,
I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there

home for the weekend

I am home for the weekend. First stop: visiting Nonna. It was pretty rough. I got that and found that she didn't have her oxygen hooked up, and she was trying to get up which she cant do anymore. Also about 5 bags were out in the hall with her probably because she thought she was going home or something. She screamed when I walked up to her. Not that she really knew who I was, but she knew I was someone. We spent time just sitting. Then I gave her the newspaper, she looked at it for a while. She was pretty quite. I tried to get her to talk to me but all she said was "I am old." Thats a common response for her. The nurse came early to put her to bed.

The empty bed in Nonna's room was pretty upsetting. I tried to pretend that it wasn't there. I tried to act as if it was normal. As if nobody used to be there. Fact is someone was there. I wont forget her, even if I don't let on. I will keep moving. I will keep pretending. Its the only way to stay sane.


I am thinking of you Lori. I am thinking of you all. Know that I love you.

September 11th 2001

It was my first year in High School. A new building where everyone was so much older and bigger then me. I didn't have a lot of friends either. I was really worried about not fitting in. I was worried about not doing well in classes. Nobody really thought I could handle it either. I wanted to prove everyone wrong.

I was in Social studies class. That was my hardest class that year. I didn't know anyone in the class. I don't remember what we were talking about when the announcement came on. Everyone was really quite as the Principle tried to explain what had happened. I really did not understand in the least. He said something like a plane had hit one of the world trade centers towers and to continue our but that he would keep us posted.

When class was over and the bell rung and the halls filled with kids. It was loud and everyone was wondering what was going on. My next class was guidance seminar. Its a freshman class just to make sure that none of us get lost in the halls or anything. When I walked in the class my teacher was crying. She said we would be moving to the library for class. When I walked into the library is when I think it hit me. I saw the faces of my classmates and teachers horror stricken. A student i just met in my last class was sitting alone in the corner crying silently. I found out later his dad lives in New York. We sat around till the end of the day. I didn't cry I just watched it all happen around me.

On the buss ride home with my brother we didn't say a word. Then when we got home he turned on the TV, flipping from station to station. When I saw there were no cartoons, no ESPN, no comedy central- there was only news I really realized how bad it was. The three of us sat there; my brother, myself and Nonna. It did not seem real. Why did they do it? Who would want to do this to innocent people? I was young, and this was so close to me. I had been to NYC about 5 months ago. I went to the top of those very same towers. I road the boat to the statue of liberty and looked back at them and realized there beauty. Nobody else would ever do that again. When I would go back 4 years later to that same place it would be hard even to imaging what used to be there.

But I will not forget those who died. Hero's were born that day. I wont forget but I will not encourage revenge. More death more blood will not change it. It will not bring back those we once loved.