Time to put my "perk" on

I got home only a few hours ago. My mom is not home yet but my dad's office closed early so he came up and I showed him all the things "we" got for mom. Then he started a lecture. He said "Mom's been crying a fucking lot." He continued to say she has not been feeling well and he does not know what to do with her. He seemed pretty desperate. Its clear to me that while I was away my mom hit rock bottom. So now that I am home again I am going to have to be the perky one. I am going to have to put my whole mind body and soul into making this a half way decent Christmas. This means a lot of work and a lot of "happy" attitudes. I will do my best, for my Mom and for my Nonna.

My cousin Rosa who had the baby who is going to be my Godchild is back in the hospital. She has some kind of infection. They are not sure what is it really. I am going to go to her house and watch the kid tonight. I really really really need her to get better soon. I don't know how I am going to help take care of the baby and figure out this christmas stuff but like I said I am going to try. This might turn into a total mess. It might fall apart even before Christmas itself. AND WELL IF I FAIL WELL THEN GOD DARN IT I AM GOING TO FAIL WITH A PERKY ATTITUDE.

5 days to christmass???

I am still at school of course. I have work tomorrow morning and I have to finish up a few things after work before I can go home. It pretty much bites. I have no Christmas spirit as it is but being here just makes it worse. Studying and doing projects is not something you think of when you think of the few days before Christmas. I miss her more now then ever, not that going home will help but it will be nice to not be so alone. Everyone keeps telling me these dreams are a way of Nonna saying goodbye. Last night I had another one. It makes life harder. I woke up this morning at 7:20 after not getting hardly any sleep and I just kept saying to myself "I don't want to move." It just hurt to much. I want my old Christmas back, with baking cookies and being happy. I want my Nonna back.

old fashioned love

A poetic dialog with myself:
(this is inspired by Joanna's post)

Everyone keeps a pot in there closet. Tall and skiney or short and fat they all hold about the same amount of love. Some have spots or stripes while many are one solid color from top to bottom. Mine is purple, with little blue hearts. Its kind of short but also wide and the top instead of being round is more like a triangle. I keep it in my closet always and collect things in it. I collect my first morning hello's and last evening good night's. Last time I was home I got a few licks from my dog that I keep in there. There is lots in there from Nonna, every embrace I ever remember, every screamed "I love you." From my mom there is lots of worry, because her love never seems to come out just straight but more a little slanted when she says "Stefanie drive safely or I will kill you." When I look deeper down I find a few things from my father very odd things at there best. A small smile or remember the time he bought me a new printer because he knew I could not afford one myself. I put that in there because I knew he loved me then. I put a few things in there from you too. The last comment you made on my blog. The post you put on your blog when you knew I was feeling down. The fact that you let me into your family. Just reminders of these things. That way one day when I am under slept and under fed I can sit by my closet door and look down into the pot and smile. Smile because I know I have collected a lot of good old fashioned love.

All problems have an easy solution

It just so happens that I know for a fact that all problems have an easy solution. I also know that the easy solution to having bad dreams is not to sleep. I ever say the easy solution was the smart one. Its just easy.

Dreams

I am having them again. Last night was not nearly as bad as the first time. She was sitting at the kitchen table drinking thicken liquid and eating cookies. I asked my mom "mom is she really dead?" My mom said yes. "then why is she still here?" "I don't know" I sat at the kitchen table with her and just kind of watched her eat for what seemed like a very long time. I reached out to touch her hand and found out I could not. Then with out feeling much emotion I just started to cry. She looked at me, or more like she looked through me, because she did not say a word about how I was crying. She just kept eating and drinking and looking around. I went around to try and hug her but my feet could not get close enough. Then I woke up.

gosh what i would not do for a really good reason to not go to class today. i am really really now feeling it...

now

This time one month ago I was woken up with the call that I had been dreading for so long. I cried alone in my bed for nearly 2 hours before I had the strength to get up and go to my computer. Dave was online, so I told him. I posted on the forum. I posted here. Then I decided not to go on the forum for a while. So I did not for almost a week. The amount of responses I got was amazing. The people who care about me and my Nonna are amazing. I could never thank everyone on the forum, on this blog enough for just being here on that day one month ago.

Last night I had my first dream about Nonna since she died. It was a nightmare, and one I wont repeat on here because I hope not to remember it. I have my dream catcher but maybe this one was just to strong to be caught. I will probably spend all day trying to keep it out of my mind.

Prayer:
I love you Nonna, and I miss you and I wish you all the happiness in heaven. You deserve to be with your husband now and forever. Tell him how much I would have liked to have known him. Please also send my love to my Cousin Nicola, Uncle Vince, Aunt Julie, and of course my Grandpa. Tell them I loved them so much, and wont ever forget them. I will try my hardest to live to make all of you proud. I love you.

1 month

Its been a month. It feels like so long ago and also just yesterday at the same time. It hurts like it was yesterday but it seems so long ago that I was able to see her face. Its been longer then a month since I saw her, even longer yet since I saw her happy. I miss her so much. My mom said she would not send out the Christmas cards until it had been a month. Now that it has does that mean its over? Does it mean I have to really get over this? I have moments where I feel like I can, but they are normally fallowed my moments of shear terror. Not only am I not willing to stop grieving but I am afraid of not grieving. Is just been to much to handle this month, I wish I could spend all day in bed it hurts so much. I feel like crying.

Nature Photo's

I posted some of my nature photo's at the bottom right of my blog. Maybe you have seen some of them before but I thought I would point them out for anyone who has not.