late night thoughts

Sometimes I get scared thinking about it. The death I saw, and the one I didn't. I used to spend so much time wishing I was not there the night my uncle died. How awful it was for a 18 year old to watch. then just two years later I find myself wishing I was there for Nonna the way I was there for him that night. But I was not and I have to learn to accept that. Then this leads me to think of the others too. There life, and did they know how much I loved them. In my life I am not so good at saying those three words. "I love you." Its hard for me. I don't say them much to the people that really need to hear it. Did I forget to mention it to one of the ones I have lost forever? I find my self thinking this late at night. It makes me want to be better. It makes me want to never have to wonder again if the people I love know that I love them. I realize now.

The worst pain is the "I love you" never said.

We lost two this week:

We have lost two more angels from 3N of my grandmothers old nursing home. I spent so much time with them all this summer they became family. I miss you so much. I always wanted more for you. A better way to leave this world. I knew it would happen one day. Before the end of next year I am sure most of those I knew that summer will have gone away. I just cant help but have felt my loss all over again when I find out more have left this world.

For Kathrine and Frank.

For Cinn

My Angels,
Tonight I am calling on all my angels. To all those who I have loved and all those I have lots. I am calling out to you Grandpa, Aunt Julie, Uncle Vince, cousin Nicky, and Nonna I have a favor to ask. Could you please spend a some time tonight as well as in the next few days watching over my friend Cinn. She need to know she is not alone right now. Her mom died and it has been a long road for her. It should not happen at this time of the year but it has and I just need you to make sure she is ok. Could you also visit her mother. Tell her how much her daughter loves her. Be with her and her family to make sure they know that they are loved still by the people on earth. I ask you for this my angels because it is so important to me. I know how she feels and I know I had many angels watching me when you all departed this world. So for now go to her and bring her peace.
Stefanie

My loves (read if you dare)

I have not known a lot of old people in my life. Those who I have known have impacted me in a very deep way. They have changed my life for the better because of there experiences and wise guidance. So this post is for the old people in my life now and those who have left me behind to continue on in life. I have always valued you but until now I maybe did not know how much.

When I was 13 my Aunt Julie died. Her name was Angela actually, Jullinel is an Italian way to say it so shorted and made American its Julie. She is my Grandmothers sister on my dad's side of the family. So that would make her my Great Aunt Julie, but in my family none of that matters. She and my grandpa her brother in law owned a grocery store in the Italian neighborhood. When I knew her she was a pretty sick woman. She had diabetes and hardly ever took good care of herself. She loved animals so much that she always had at least one. She had a Tootsie I that was killed by my grandpa, and a Tootsie II who was killed by my aunt but that was before my time. Then she had Velvet and Peter. Don't remember Velvet much because he died when I was young but Peter was pure evil. He was a poodle and used to sit on my aunts lap and bite anyone who would try and pass by. He died of suicide we say, because one day my aunt woke up and found his dead body tangled in his blankets. She felt pretty awful while the rest of us were glad he was gone. I wrote her a note and said "I am sorry your dog died. My mom says your sad, so I am sad too even though I never liked that dog. I love you, feel better." I was maybe 10. The death of peter although tragic left an opening for a new pet. That new pet would be Heidi. I went with her the day she picked out Heidi. My mom even gave her the name suggestion. A German name for a dog that is originally from Germany. She loved Heidi, and so did I and she knew that. So when she went into the hospital 3 years later I was charged to take care of her until she was better. When they told me one morning that Aunt Julie had passed away I started sobbing right away. I had to stop myself though to ask "Who is going to take care of Heidi?" My dad who was very close to his Aunt said we would. And thats where Aunt Julie's story ended and mine began. I learned from her to love everyone even the animals. I learned from her to laugh when everyone else is laughing at you. I learned from her to keep family close and to care for them always. My Heidi serves as a reminder to me of that but she is getting old (12 years old) and I will have to remind myself in the future. I never did and never will doubt her love for me.

My grandpa. He died when I was 17 years old, three years ago this March. He was my only grandpa as my other grandfather (Nonna's husband) died when my mom was 13. With no other grandfather to be compared to I thought he was perfect. I still do. He cooked almost every Sunday for us when I was a child. He loved food and he loved seeing all of us get together and have lots of laughs. Laughing was maybe second to cooking in his favorite things to do. I still remember the way he used to laugh. It was a chuckle. Not to loud but always lasted a good long time if the joke was funny enough. He was good at telling jokes too. He loved all women, and even was kind of a flirt. He and my grandmother were very happy together for more then 50 years of marriage, luckily my grandmother laughed almost as well as he did at all is silliness. At the old store that he and Aunt Julie owned together they decided to sell fireworks which are illegal in NY. A policeman came in and asked who owned the store. My grandpa points right to good natured Aunt Julie. Well they take her away to the station and my grandpa runs home to tell his wife that her sister is in jail. When he gets there is is laughing so hard he can barely get the words out. I think my grandma was pretty wonderful not to divorce him right then and there! He was a joker that man, and I loved every single min I got to spend with him. I only wish I could have had more time with him. He died right before I graduated High school. I found myself wishing every day that he could have just been there for that. I know he would be so proud of me. He would have hugged me with one of his wonderful grandpa hugs, and I would feel the love. I learned from him the importance of laughter and a good meal. I also learned about love from this man who I never doubted how much he loved me.

My Nonna. I don't think I need to put much here. Everyone reading understands how important she was to my life. I would not be the woman I am today if it was not for this woman. She helped raise me, she was both fun to be around and a bit of a discipline figure sometimes. She would not let me get away with not doing homework because she knew I was smart and could do it all plus some. She had a whole life time before she met me, but when I was born, I believe she fell in love. So much so that she generously moved in to help care for me as a very small child. She never thought twice about that choice. Though her last years on this earth were not with out trouble I never once thought she did not love me. I truly believe that she is in heaven right now bragging about me and her other grandkids to my Nonno who never had the chance to met us. She loved me, and I know it always.

My grandmother who is still living. I have not always understood my grandmother. She can be cold at times even. I know I have always loved her. She raised my father and loved my grandfather. She has also helped me though college. Although her love may not always be so tangible I do believe she loves me always.

I love these people so deeply. Its almost as if they are apart of me. They made me who I am today. If when I am older I can begin to give back to people as they have given to me, well then I will be one very lucky old woman. Thank you to those who came before me. I could never forget any of you.

THE END

Don't you wish in life there could be simple and definite endings just like in a kids story book? I have felt for a long time like I have reached an end. Its not that I think I am done with life, but that well part of my life is over. Things are and things have changed. I think the only way for me to move on is to think of this as an end. Otherwise I will go crazy trying to go on like nothing has happened. I cant keep going the same way I was that is becoming more clear.

I visited her grave for the first time today. You would think that could make an end for me but it did not. There was no grass or even an attempt to grow grass. The dirt on top of her looks like it was just pilled there. Still so fresh and raw, and well unfinished. Just like my heart still. It seemed to only open up everything again instead of close anything down. Is there ever an end? Is there ever a time I can move on peacefully?

I forgot to mention the most important christmas gift I got. My mom said "its from Nonna." Its one of her gold charms, the one she used to wear most regularly. Its St. Anthony who's feast is on June 13th Nonna's birthday. I cried pretty hard when I put it on my chain right next to the one she gave me when I was born. I miss her and I cant make it end.

I knew it would bad

I knew it would be bad but is someone trying to tell me something out there? On top of all the emotional stuff going on inside my head this Chrismas I had to deal with a bloody nose on Christmas eve because my nose got in the way of my mom opening the door to our car. Painful as HECK. It hurts to touch and it hurts REALLY bad when i sneze. I had to ice it most of the night and then today a little too because its brusing on the bridge and I cant breath out of it.

My mom seemed to be having pretty regular break downs. My father and brother as usual were not helpfull and well I was hurt a lot too. (I am not just talking about the nose) I just wanted to try and be happy thats all. Why do I feel like it all fell apart right in frunt of my eyes... God I miss her.

Happy Christmas

Rosa came home yesterday. I think she convinced the doctors that she would be ok because at first she was not suposed to come home. Her and the baby will be staying with my Aunt for the time being. Lou her hubby has to work a lot of night shifts and right now Rosa cant really take care of the baby on her own. I am just glad she is ok, and that she is with her baby now.

My Italian Christmas will be different this year for sure. We have made a lot of changes to tradition, but also some thing we are still doing. I miss her an awful lot right now. Its like everything reminds me of her. From some of her ordiments on our tree, to the extra stocking on the fireplace. It hurts but I know she would want me to have a good Christmases and to enjoy my family because as we have learned life is fragile. Rosa was pretty bad off and so was the baby when he was born so we are really lucky to still have both of them today. So I will try and enjoy them and the rest of my little cousins as much as I can today and tomorrow.

Now as for the rest of you. I know your loved ones would want you to be happy as well. Please try and be strong with me. Happiness sometimes has to be a choice and I think today and tomorrow we must choose it will all our might. I love you all for being such a wonderful extra family to me. I hope your holiday goes well. Just remember even if something goes *Kaboom* in your face you always have me and the rest of this little family. SO:

Have a Happy Christmas and Holiday Season!

Rosa and Enzo

Rosa: She is not doing so great. We thought she would be home by tonight but they really dont seem to want to let her go. She is on a TON of drugs to try and help fight the infection but it's only suppressing the symptoms right now. I really hope she gets to come home soon. She is pretty sad about being away from her child again. I hate to see her in so much pain.

Baby Enzo: I went and baby sat after visiting Rosa. I think this says it all.