Going back to school tomorrow

After two full weeks of being home I am ready time 400 to go back to school. I miss Nate and my other friends. I miss my house, and the way I do things. There are also a lot of things I wont miss about being home. That list is pretty long. I will miss my dog though. She is always loving me. No matter how many times other people tell me I am not worth anything she always looks at me and says "Stefanie your the best person in the world to me."

Anyways check out my schedule its pretty busy when you add in working 12 hours at an off campus job. http://schedule.csh.rit.edu/?s=hEb5LMI I am excited though. Its good to keep busy. Its my second to last quarter at school, and it scares the crap out of me. I am thinking more and more about maybe staying in Rochester when I graduate. Of course not right away because I have plans for the summer. If you dont know I plan to spent time with my grandpa in the west. He has always been wonderful to me.

I hope you all have good holiday seasons, no matter what you celebrate. I think our loved ones are watching us extra close from heaven now. I know I miss her so much, but we have to keep breathing.

That day

So many of you remembered me today. I am eternally grateful for that. It means so much to me.

Today is a hard day for me. I have to return home for break, as well as deal with the impossible fact that she has been gone for a year. How is it so? How can she really have been gone for a full year? It seems like just yesterday I would come home from middle school in tears because I got a C in math, and she would take me into her big work hardened arms and hug me. Or was it just yesterday that she taught me how to crochet simply by showing me because she did not know the right English words to use to teach me. It feels like yesterday she was playing basketball with me, under arming it and making every single shot. Or was it the last time i saw her when she could not speak or hardly even open her eyes? And the last time I spoke to her a few days before she died, when she barely got out the three words she had told me for 20 years every chance she had, "I love you".

No matter how long ago it all happened, it happened in the past, and today I no longer have her with me. She wont be waiting for me at home, and she wont hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I am a "big girl" now I have to do it for myself now.

Its just sometimes I am still scared, and sometimes I am not so sure. I just wish she could be here to tell me again, remind me she loves me, and hold me close one more time. I miss her so much. I miss her so much.

deep sadness

Thanks everyone so much for responding. I was so scared everyone would have forgotten about me. It seems like every day I get closer to the 14 the more the sadness surrounds me. It hurts so bad to think I have to go home on that day and face that she really is never going to be there waiting for me again. Its been a year, and a very hard year.

I have found someone though who has become my best friend. He is so wonderful to me, and although he never met Nonna he knows how important she was to me. Its just hard for most people my age to understand fully how much I am hurting. I want him to understand but maybe he just cant. Nonna was more then a grandma, she was more then a mother, she was so much more then anything anyone can imagine. She was my safety, my hope and my number once source of love. How can you make anyone understand all that?

On the 14th this year I go home for my thanksgiving break, I will have to part with my best friend for 2 weeks, and face my home life once again. I am not sure I am strong enough to make it though.

Miss

I miss my old life. I miss my blog friends. I miss my Nonna. I miss my school friends. I dont want to go home. I want to stay at school. I miss my old life.

We did it!

I met my goal of 300 dollars, in fact I got to 390!!! So me and my mom went this morning in the poring rain. There was so much support and love in the air, it was hard to not cry. But I know that the event is for hope, and not to be sad about. So I held my head high as I walked three miles getting drenched in the rain.

This is for you all too. For every caregiver I met online. Chris, Lori, Sam, Roger, Flinty, Betsy, Gale, Londa, Dave, Nancy M, Nancy, Cinn, CC, and So many more I cant even think of right now. You all have given everything you could to your loved one to help them. If you could cure them with love then they would all still be here with us today. So since we cant this was for you.

Memory Walk

Hi everyone. School is getting started this Monday! I know crazy? Anyways right now I am also getting ready to participate in the local Memory walk in honor of Nonna. I know its a crazy to ask you all for a donation when you all have given so much already to this cause, but just in case you are in the fortunate position were giving just a few dollars is possible then:

Email me at srd0626@rit.edu if you can donate and have not received an email from me already.

I hope you are all well, and I hope you all choose to participate in the memory walk around your area. I think of you all often and I promise I am not just walking for nonna but for all of us who have lost a loved one to this awful disease.

The Closing Bell

It was April 22ed 2007 when I started this blog. I had joined the Alz Forum right after the start of the new year. I decided that it might be helpful for me to write down what I was feeling, and then not only could I decided what to do, but my new friends could help me on my path though the hells of Alz.

I was a sad 19 year old who did not know what to do about much of her consurn. Some of my biggest problems in caring for Nonna had to do with my age. Nobody wanted to take me seriously. Not my family, and later the people at the nursing home. My blogger friends helped me find a bit of confidence behind my opinions, as they always have treated me as an adult.

In April Nonna could spend a lot of time alone, and be fine. Then she had to start going to day centers, eventually we had help come to our house, and lastly she went to a nursing home. Each phase was a challenge for me as a caregiver, but you all here stood by me and helped me as much as you could. This is something I will never forget.

You consoled me. You supported me. You laughed with me. You shared with me. You even loved me. It has been over a year since I started all this, and looking back I had no idea it would turn into something so beautiful. Thank you my friends.

Nobody posts as much as they used to, its a new life for us all out there. I am not willing to give up on this family though. I wont say I am going ever, I am here for you like I knew a family should be. I just need to put this thing to a close a bit. After all we all have been though so much, to dwell in the past to much is bad for the soul.

But let me say it one more time before I go. Thank you my dear friends. No matter how many more years I live I wont forget you.

I want to go home now

I really want to go home now. I mean back to school. Thats it, there is no home here anymore. I want to go away for a long time. Not sure when I'll come back. It just hurts being here. I want to go now.