Thank you

You guys have been so sweet, i hardly ever get comments on this blog, and well it means a lot to me to know that someone is reading. I have been down lately and anything help. The end of the summer is hard, not because summer is anything great but just because its goodbye again. Nonna is not better, she wont get better. So I have to wait 2 hours from her until the day i get the call. I worry about what I will do when I get that call. Will someone be there to catch me if i fall?

Thank you again. I know you will be here the day it does happen. You will say things that will make me feel like your resting your hand on my shoulder. Your good friends, who really care. I wont forget that.

the way it has to be.

Its almost time to say goodbye again. Its almost time to hold my breath again and hope she is there the next time i visit. It hurts when he says things like "just go and forget about us." How can I do that when I know she wont get the same care when I am not there. How can I do that when she cared for me when it wasn't easy. But truth is I cant stay, just like I cant stop loving her. I have to get out of here. I have to be ME. I cant be what they want, and I cant do what they want. So I will go back. Nobody worry. This freak will go back to school where she belongs. Not because she has chosen to. Or because its where she belongs. But because there is no other option. Its just the way it has to be.

it was just a dream

not such a good night on Friday. I hurt badly. For some reason though I slept more then I have in well a long time. I had a dream to.

My grandpa knocked on the window of our 2ed floor living room. He has been dead 2 years now. When I saw him in the window I took out the screen. He came in and hugged me, one of those hugs that I have missed. Then I said how did you know to come now? He told me that someone told him now was time. He went into the kitchen where my grandmother was and he just watched her talk. She dident notice him. But my dad came and hugged him and smiled like i haven't seen him smile in a while. Then he left thought the window again. Next thing I knew I was talking to someone on my computer and I had told them what happened. They said "do you still not believe in god?" I said "no now I believe because who else could have told him to come today?"

that was it. my heart feels like jumping ship just sharing it with you all. thanks for reading though, really.

I just want to rip my insides out. So i hang on to this pillow in order to calm down. Maybe the feeling will pass. I can only hope.

nursing home blues

Its on my mind all the time. I have spent probably half my summer at this place, with these people. I remember the first day I walked into that place. Its just down the street from the hospital so the drive was not long. The Able medical transport man brought Nonna and us to the nursing station. Nobody seemed ready for us. The room that she was to move into was not emptied yet. The draws still full from the last inhabitant. She had moved on but her stuff stayed behind. They all cried a lot that day. I was quite. I was invisible. I knew the choice that was made to place Nonna there was not mine. I wanted to take her home- but i didn't say that. I watched as the residents wandered the halls. I listened as alarms went off. They cries muffled by beeping. I wanted nothing more to leave that place and never come back. I didn't think she would be there this long. Its been 4 months. More then 4 months since she has been home. It feels like a lifetime.

When I walk into this place at night I can feel the emotion flood back into me. The urge to just take her away is never ending. The urge to cry is uncontrollable. Its surreal being there, like I have been tossed into a time warp. To a time when everyone is old- nobody can do anything for them self and only tears and regret can fill the eyes of the onlooker. Not being able to do anything. Just pressing there nose up against the glass looking in on the one they love as they decompose.

I hope you never have to go to this place. I hope you never have to see these people. Once you do you will never forget, and you wont ever be the same. Best keep them out of sight out of mind for your own sanity. Its not like you can help anyways.

my head hurts so bad i can feel it in my foot

thats probably because i hurt my foot yesterday though. someone told me once if you had a bad headache to pinch the place between your thumb and pointer finger to relieve the pain for a little bit. well its not working. it feels like every thought in my head is physically jumping up and down trying to break out. i have to close my eyes to make sure they cant get out. disaster to the proportion of what was inflicted on Tokyo when king Kong visited.

i wish i had an Advil... is it illegal for me to ask for an Advil for Nonna and then try and sneak it for myself? maybe they would just give me one...

mama said there would be days like this

Tired and grouchy I woke up late. Didn't sleep much at all last night despite the face that i was in bed by 12:00. I had some kind of bad dream but have yet to be able to remember it. Its hiding beneath me waiting till i try and sleep again. That wont happen. Raining on the walk to work- got sopping wet. Then as soon as I get in I am informed of a mistake with one of the sites. Extra work for me. I feel lost in a sea of my mind. I keep spinning my body in order to counter act the spinning in my head. i think its just one of those days...

why

you wonder why things happen the way they do, why things are the way they are. is there even a reason for why things are the way they are? or is everything just random? and if everything is just random then whats the point in trying to change it? and if its planed out by someone out there then why doesn't someone help us change it?