Faced with the task of looking back at 2007, I found I was first wondering about 2006. In the past I used Live Journal as a way to get my feelings out so I went on there and took at look at my 2006 year in review and this is what I found.
On Jan. 1st, 2007 at 12:32 AM I wrote:
2006 was a crazy year alright; it was full of ups and downs. I went to my first big drinking party. I made deans list every quarter. I watched West Wing all the way though- in order! I became really close to other people and moved away from some friends who caused me a lot of pain. Also a lot of stuff went down. We lost my uncle and well my whole family came together and I leaned so much about them all. My grandmother’s health is really going down hill, I can tell. I had to learn this year that she is not at all the woman I grew up with. It has not been easy being away at college. I did gain a cousin though. I also traveled to Italy with my 15 family members, and we made it back alive! I feel closer to a lot of people in my life and I hope that my relationships continue to grow as 2007 begins. After all that is really what life is about.
That was 2006, my first full calendar year away from home. It really was an interesting year. I am noticed some things that have remained the same this year, as well as some things that have changed. Like 2006, in 2007 I both lost a close relative as well as gained one. Everyone knows in the month or so I have lost my Nonna and gained another cousin (who is set to become my godson on March 3ed.) A lot more happened then that though. It was a year of change for me. I learned about my limits. About what I can control and what I can’t.
To start on a lighter note (kind of) here are some things other then family life that I experienced this year. I got my cartilage pierced in 2007 with out telling my mother. I don’t do a lot of things with out talking to her first. I wanted her to know I am my own woman, and I will do what I want. I guess its just one of those moments where you start to become an adult. Since I am here I can also mention in 2007 I saw one of my very dear friends almost die of Alcohol poisoning. I saw her spiral into bad drinking habits and even tried to talk her out of going to the Rugby party where it happened. Her blood alcohol levels were the 2ed highest NY state has ever seen. She was unconscious when they brought her into the emergency room, and she should have died. It scared me, and will do no doubt shape my thoughts on Alcohol for the rest of my life. As far as boys are concurred well I could have had a worse year, but I have NO IDEA HOW. I had a stalker friend, who was very forceful in wanting to see me all the time, and the fact that I was not interested did not bother him. Then another guy who thought it was cool to intimidate me into going on a date. Really I had no positive male relationships that go beyond friendship this year. Not that that’s new, because I never really have had a positive male relationship.
Let’s go back to January of 2007. It was my winter break just like it is now. I come home and was pretty well shocked at the steep decline of Nonna. For the first time I realized how much I was missing being at school. I am not talking about missing a party or something but missing a person who might not be around much longer. I also noticed just how hard all of this was on my mother. She seemed to be in pretty bad shape herself. We knew Nonna could not be alone anymore during the day. What was there for us to do? In order to try and help I did what all of you did at some point. I Googled “Alzheimer’s.” Its one of the first links that come up and as I poked around the site I found the chat room. I thought it was a crazy idea to log in but I knew I had nothing to loose. So in I went and there I met CC, Mag, Chris, and Casey to name a few. I could tell from the start that they were very caring people. So I went back every night that week I was home. Then when I got back to school I made time to keep going. Mostly because it made me feel like I was helping Nonna in some way by being there.
I also started to go home a lot more. It was not always fun going home for sure. Sometimes it was downright painful. My family a bit on the dysfunctional side of the spectrum, and well Nonna’s sickness brought out the worst in everyone. We were all frightened of losing the woman that connected us all. Things only got more complex as the year when on. Sometime near the start of the year Nonna got kicked out of the day center she was going to. This meant we would have to figure out something else. In home care was part of the new deal. That was a hard adjustment for everyone. I have never had a more awkward moment in my life then the time I woke up one day when on break and found a 275 lb, black woman, with 2 teeth missing, that I had never met before, sitting in my living room talking to Nonna. She turned out to be a really great lady but honestly that was just strange!!!!
March hit me like a ton of bricks. That month always seems to be pretty awful for me. My grandpa, uncle, and aunt all died in March of different years and in March of 2007 I was positive Nonna would join that group. A friend was visiting at the time from Oregon. Nonna woke up at around 10 having problems breathing. It was really scary and although I could have easily hid in my room with my friend I stayed with Nonna and I saw her eyes get really glossy. She was almost unable to speak. So my mom called 911. It was the start of everything bad. She was diagnosed with COPD after spending 2 weeks in the hospital. It was pretty clear there was no bouncing back from that. After 2 weeks in the hospital we decided together that her best option was a nursing home. It all happened so fast from there. The year ended horribly. I got my first college C, and I came right home.
When I did get home I found a mess everywhere. My family was falling apart. I tired so hard all summer to keep them together as well as keep myself sane. I was working almost 45 hours a week on top of spending most nights with Nonna at the nursing home. I made friends there that I never thought I would. I cried with them, and I laughed with them. When the end of the summer came I realized just how sad I was that I would have to go back to school. I did it though, and it was one of the hardest things I had to do. I came home weekends but it was not the same as being able to go visit her when ever I wanted. Every time I came home it got clearer to me she was going down hill. It was not until November though that she hit rock bottom. She died on the 14th of November. I thought I would be there when it happened but I wasn’t, I was stuck at school finishing my last final exam.
My Poetry teacher once said the best thing you can do to troubling thoughts is write them down. That way they are contained on paper instead of eating out your insides. I think that if she is right then maybe now I have put this year to rest, finally. If you read all of that, you are a true friend and even if you just jumped to the end I still think your a great friend. I could never have made it though this year with out you all. Thanks for being here, and thanks for promising to stick around for my future.
