How I feel sometimes

hands and heart

I know I have not posted in like a week about anything that matters much about my life. I just cant seem to get into writing down anything because not much in my life is enjoyable. Today was an very busy day, 2 photo shoots and a bunch of other homework as well. I wake up to car problems that set me back an hour. Also got me into trouble at home. I got one cut pretty deep on my finger. Then also when I was brining my cactus to the studio to use as a prop i tripped and had to grab the cactus by the top part so I got 16 needles stuck into my hand around the same spot where i had just gotten cut. I was out all day for the most part doing these shoots, but the one 25 mins I got to come home i was welcomed by a massive camera crew. I forgot I had given permission for a film student friend of mine to shoot in my apartment. So 20 people plus all there lights and gear were packed into my small apartment. I dropped off some stuff and left again. Just kept my hands busy all day.

Even when i am blown away with work, I still find time to be introverted. lol. I think way to much about what it would be like for me to have back some of the family i have lost of the past 3 years. I dwell on somethings that will never change... It hurts my heart more then I think I can't explain here or ever. Maybe you all get it. But its like I said to Dave. Nonna and my grandfather were the most loving people in my life. with them gone I am unbalanced. Like a seesaw with one really fat kid and one skinny short kid. it just does not work. I am doomed to be unbalanced for while I fear. I just miss that kind of unconditional love. The kind where it does not matter if you have a bad morning and get a little snippy. Its the kind of love that evens out my seesaw of life, swinging happily from darker times to lighter times. Its the balance between the two that bring us the most joy. When do I get my balance back?

oh

Its a strawberry. :) think about that next time you bite into one.

you guys are funny

olives in pasta sauce? noooo you eat this all the time i bet. hmmm should i tell you now or make you come to the chat tomorrow night to find out? haha i will wait.

High Magnification Photograph of a ___________

What is this a photo of? No cheating grandpa Dave. <333

this feeling inside

Its like a pit in my stomach. Something large and hard. My hands shake a bit and it rolls around in my gut just making more trouble. There is something in my head too, this is lighter and it floats around pretty fast making me a touch dizy. come on body lets try and sleep.

its been a while

I really have not known what to say on this blog lately. I am home for easter, and I brought two of my friends with me. I love them dearly. My family seems to be having some pretty big problems though. I dont want to talk about it much on here. Anyways easter will go on. With out nonna, or my grandpa, or my uncle. for three years in a row now easter has been a time of depression for me. I know its supposed to be about renewing and such, but I cant help but feel the darkness of my loss. I visited the grave again today. Its not even filled in very well. about a foot from where the dirt comes up to the level of my Nonno's grave. It hurt a lot more then I thought to see it like that. I miss you nonna, and you loved easter. I just want you to be home with me again.

space cadet

i am such a space cadet right now. just really spacing out at times, minutes at a time with out noticing anything. maybe its the recent rejection from my one and only job prospect for this summer. or maybe it the impending visit home. it could also be the insane amount of obligations i have to school right now, and my extracurricular activities. Friday i have to photograph my 4 professors in wizard theme outfits for an invitation to our annual picnic. also i am hosting a photography lecture that is costing 500 dollars to bring the photographer here. so i have to ensure that we will have enough turn out. plus i am taking 18 credits. i lost hours at work this quarter, not helpful in paying the bills but i guess it makes my week a bit easer. so yes i am a space cadet right now, floating away from the earth that so stresses me out.