New Blog

Its slow going but its going, here is the link: http://mylifebeautifulmess.blogspot.com/

I hope it works out. Much love to all those to bother to fallow that link.

Future Plans

I had a few requests to post about my plans. But first I want to thank you for remembering me. Sometimes I worry that the time I spent on this blog was not real- or that the wonderful people I met must have forgotten me. But then I post and with in a day get 4 responses. Thank you.

So I wanted to take time off as soon as I graduated but instead I got a internship offered to me in NYC! I will be there for 10 weeks - working with Columbia University and New York Presbyterian hospital doing Ophthalmic Photography (using this type of camera to photograph the back of the eye or the retina. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundus_camera) Its a very specialized field and the program I am graduating in is the only one in the world you can study this stuff. Its going to be crazy living and working in NYC for 10 weeks and there is a good chance they may want to hire me after that because a few photographers recently changed locations! We will have to wait a while before I know if I got a full time job.

It all just happened so fast. I dont know what to think, and like always I am scared out of my pants. Really I have not changed much since I was a frequent poster here. Me and Nate are doing well as can be- considering our time together is ending and we are not sure what will happen to us. We want to stay together but he has 2 more years of school. Thats another one we will have to wait and see about.

I graduate Saturday about 7pm with high honors btw! I have 16 family members comming into down to see me do so - but I will still miss nonna so emensily. I wish she could see me now. I wish my grandfather could too. He died a week before I gradated high school and i was devistated then that he did not see me graduate. I guess there will always be people missing from these big important events for me. But I have to try and be happy for those who will be able to see me.

I love you all- and I hope you are well. I will continue to stay in touch. (I may be starting a new blog soon to record my new life in the big apple and i will post a link to it here. )

Take care

Graduating Bachelors of Science in Biomedical Photographic Communications Class of 2009!!!

Inauguration of President Barack Obama 2009

It really was amazing. Never have I been so proud to be an American as I was on that day. I also am so proud to have been apart of the movement from the very start. I liked Obama before most did, and I supported him when not many did. Since 2004 I have been watching him. Anyways I thought I would show you all some photos. I hope you enjoy.

Back at school

I am really sorry if i worried you good friends of mine. I am alright and back at school. Right now I feel like a giant misfit wherever I go. At home, at my boyfriends house, here. I just want to belong someplace and feel good when I am there. I guess maybe when I graduate that will happen. Right now I have to focus on getting there- and maybe I will get better on the way.

Much love to you all. Take care friends.

post-christmas blues

i have not felt this low in a long time. i cant even begin to tell you why i feel this way, not because i dont understand - just for fear of giving to much information. for the past few nights i have been thinking about it. thinking about how i wish everyone who loved me would forget about me so that i could just go away. i was thinking about going away. not on a trip. i thought i could make life better for others if i did. it would be easer then living. its not the first time i have thought about it. this was the closest i got though. dont worry i am pretty much chicken all the time- i know it wont really happen. but i was scared and wanted someone to hold my hand and there was nobody.

there was nobody to hold my hand.

Happy Christmas

Happy Christmas to all! I know its just the eve but I figured early is better then late. I wish for you all to be healthy and happy, and a few fun things under the christmas tree from santa. :)

Going back to school tomorrow

After two full weeks of being home I am ready time 400 to go back to school. I miss Nate and my other friends. I miss my house, and the way I do things. There are also a lot of things I wont miss about being home. That list is pretty long. I will miss my dog though. She is always loving me. No matter how many times other people tell me I am not worth anything she always looks at me and says "Stefanie your the best person in the world to me."

Anyways check out my schedule its pretty busy when you add in working 12 hours at an off campus job. http://schedule.csh.rit.edu/?s=hEb5LMI I am excited though. Its good to keep busy. Its my second to last quarter at school, and it scares the crap out of me. I am thinking more and more about maybe staying in Rochester when I graduate. Of course not right away because I have plans for the summer. If you dont know I plan to spent time with my grandpa in the west. He has always been wonderful to me.

I hope you all have good holiday seasons, no matter what you celebrate. I think our loved ones are watching us extra close from heaven now. I know I miss her so much, but we have to keep breathing.

That day

So many of you remembered me today. I am eternally grateful for that. It means so much to me.

Today is a hard day for me. I have to return home for break, as well as deal with the impossible fact that she has been gone for a year. How is it so? How can she really have been gone for a full year? It seems like just yesterday I would come home from middle school in tears because I got a C in math, and she would take me into her big work hardened arms and hug me. Or was it just yesterday that she taught me how to crochet simply by showing me because she did not know the right English words to use to teach me. It feels like yesterday she was playing basketball with me, under arming it and making every single shot. Or was it the last time i saw her when she could not speak or hardly even open her eyes? And the last time I spoke to her a few days before she died, when she barely got out the three words she had told me for 20 years every chance she had, "I love you".

No matter how long ago it all happened, it happened in the past, and today I no longer have her with me. She wont be waiting for me at home, and she wont hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I am a "big girl" now I have to do it for myself now.

Its just sometimes I am still scared, and sometimes I am not so sure. I just wish she could be here to tell me again, remind me she loves me, and hold me close one more time. I miss her so much. I miss her so much.

deep sadness

Thanks everyone so much for responding. I was so scared everyone would have forgotten about me. It seems like every day I get closer to the 14 the more the sadness surrounds me. It hurts so bad to think I have to go home on that day and face that she really is never going to be there waiting for me again. Its been a year, and a very hard year.

I have found someone though who has become my best friend. He is so wonderful to me, and although he never met Nonna he knows how important she was to me. Its just hard for most people my age to understand fully how much I am hurting. I want him to understand but maybe he just cant. Nonna was more then a grandma, she was more then a mother, she was so much more then anything anyone can imagine. She was my safety, my hope and my number once source of love. How can you make anyone understand all that?

On the 14th this year I go home for my thanksgiving break, I will have to part with my best friend for 2 weeks, and face my home life once again. I am not sure I am strong enough to make it though.

Miss

I miss my old life. I miss my blog friends. I miss my Nonna. I miss my school friends. I dont want to go home. I want to stay at school. I miss my old life.

We did it!

I met my goal of 300 dollars, in fact I got to 390!!! So me and my mom went this morning in the poring rain. There was so much support and love in the air, it was hard to not cry. But I know that the event is for hope, and not to be sad about. So I held my head high as I walked three miles getting drenched in the rain.

This is for you all too. For every caregiver I met online. Chris, Lori, Sam, Roger, Flinty, Betsy, Gale, Londa, Dave, Nancy M, Nancy, Cinn, CC, and So many more I cant even think of right now. You all have given everything you could to your loved one to help them. If you could cure them with love then they would all still be here with us today. So since we cant this was for you.

Memory Walk

Hi everyone. School is getting started this Monday! I know crazy? Anyways right now I am also getting ready to participate in the local Memory walk in honor of Nonna. I know its a crazy to ask you all for a donation when you all have given so much already to this cause, but just in case you are in the fortunate position were giving just a few dollars is possible then:

Email me at srd0626@rit.edu if you can donate and have not received an email from me already.

I hope you are all well, and I hope you all choose to participate in the memory walk around your area. I think of you all often and I promise I am not just walking for nonna but for all of us who have lost a loved one to this awful disease.

The Closing Bell

It was April 22ed 2007 when I started this blog. I had joined the Alz Forum right after the start of the new year. I decided that it might be helpful for me to write down what I was feeling, and then not only could I decided what to do, but my new friends could help me on my path though the hells of Alz.

I was a sad 19 year old who did not know what to do about much of her consurn. Some of my biggest problems in caring for Nonna had to do with my age. Nobody wanted to take me seriously. Not my family, and later the people at the nursing home. My blogger friends helped me find a bit of confidence behind my opinions, as they always have treated me as an adult.

In April Nonna could spend a lot of time alone, and be fine. Then she had to start going to day centers, eventually we had help come to our house, and lastly she went to a nursing home. Each phase was a challenge for me as a caregiver, but you all here stood by me and helped me as much as you could. This is something I will never forget.

You consoled me. You supported me. You laughed with me. You shared with me. You even loved me. It has been over a year since I started all this, and looking back I had no idea it would turn into something so beautiful. Thank you my friends.

Nobody posts as much as they used to, its a new life for us all out there. I am not willing to give up on this family though. I wont say I am going ever, I am here for you like I knew a family should be. I just need to put this thing to a close a bit. After all we all have been though so much, to dwell in the past to much is bad for the soul.

But let me say it one more time before I go. Thank you my dear friends. No matter how many more years I live I wont forget you.

I want to go home now

I really want to go home now. I mean back to school. Thats it, there is no home here anymore. I want to go away for a long time. Not sure when I'll come back. It just hurts being here. I want to go now.

Is it possable that I am actualy excited about something?

I dont really remember the last time I was excited about something, the feeling is so foreign to me. I am excited for school in the fall, I am excited to be going crazy actually. I am planning to take 19 credits, thats 38 hours of class a week. Then working at least 10 hours a week in order to be able to eat all of next year. That would be good wouldn't it? Anyways here is my class schedule for fall, plus an independed study which is not on there. http://schedule.csh.rit.edu/?s=ZywnCxC

The frustration of living at home has really got me jumping to go back to school. I am less afraid right now for graduation mostly because I know I have so many options. It will be ok wont it? I will jump in less then a year and lets home I dont break anything when I hit the ground.

I made it out alive

I made it though my first birthday with out her. I cried a lot, I hyperventilated a bit, but here I am standing at the edge of June glad to not be facing another birthday alone. Anyways I think of you all often, and I know you must think of me. Our blogs may have very well served there purpose and moment for us already, but I shall never forget those who helped me get though some of the hardest times in my life.

Happy Fathers Day

I was born with 2 fathers. My daddy. My Grandpa. They both loved me very much. For men its not an easy thing to show it though. Neither my dad or my grandfather was one to say "Stef, I love you." Sometimes I think they were both scared of a little girl. My dad only had one and I was the only granddaughter for 7 years until my cousin was born. My grandpa was known for a few things. Jokes, meatballs, and hugs. He was always happy, always eating, and always making jokes. He owned a grocery store for much of his life, and the people who shopped there all loved him. Sometimes if I tell people my last name they say "OH are you related to the family that ran Burnet Market?" When I say yes, they normally ask how my grandfather is doing. The first few times I had to tell a total stranger that my grandfather was gone was hard. I never expected such sadness from total strangers. As for my father. I love him very much. He is the one who was there when I feel by the turtle tank at the zoo. I saw his face then and I could tell he was scared that I was badly hurt. He was also the one who helped out at my softball games. He never is good at saying it but I know he loves me.

I would not be truthful if I stopped my post there. There is someone else who is vastly important to me, and who is in fact my grandfather. We adopted each other, and I am sure we will never let go. We are stuck together now, and I am very glad and very lucky. I have never met this man before but I have seen his smiling face many times and I have spoken to him when I really needed someone to talk to. I have befriended him as well as his loving family. I love him like I loved my real grandpa. So Happy Fathers Day Grandpa Dave.

June 13th 2008

St. Anthony's day. My Nonna's birthday. She loved her birthday so much. She loved anything sweet and she loved family, so her Birthday was the perfect excuse to get the both of those things together. My birthday is 10 days later. So we always celebrated together. When I was a kid and she would wake me up on the morning of her birthday I would say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY NONNA." I always knew the date of her birthday because she liked to remind people about it. She would then respond and say "yes and your birthday is coming real soon." We were always together with this. We had 19 birthday parties together. Up until last year, our last joint party. Now I have to learn how to do it alone.

I miss her intensely.

People who love me

In my life I have been lucky enough to have a fare number of people who love me. They have stood by me in many situations. When I was a baby and all I knew how to do was poop and eat, there were people who loved me to take care of me. When I was a kid who skined her knee there were people who loved me. When I was a teenage and looking for anyway to rebel from these people, they still loved me. Some of these people are still here, and I am really great full to still have them. Others are no longer with me. I miss them, but I have not forgotten them.


So my point is this. I have to do them a favor. I have to love me too. If I cant then what happens to the people in the future who wish to love me too?