caught between two worlds

its a place of friendship and silliness and spur of the moment actions. its a feeling that your perfect the way you are. Its a place where that nothing can be better then the exact moment that your living in. but i don't live there.

this is a place of caring. a place where you can never do enough. a place where death and disaster is always around the corner. a place where you do things because you love so one more then yourself. its a place where just one friend can make the world of difference. but i don't live there.

i bend and twist and turn my body so as to stretch across both worlds. you dident think they could be connected but my arms are reaching to grab a hold of them both. i desperately contort my body so as to be able to jump from location to location. trying to be happy and trying to do what is right. i am trying to make the best of it but when wiped from place to place my heart get bruised. but its not really a location thing. its my mind and what place my mind is in today. is it with her? or am i free again today? you don't know until you wake up.

run away

I got to get out of here for a day. Going to see a friend in Rochester. Got to find a way to straighten out my head. Please take care of yourself while I am away.

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

Halucinations

Nonna has stated to Hallucinate more. She will say things like "turn of the stove" or "get the baby out of the bathtub" and she gets mad if I tell her there is no baby or stove. I guess the best thing for me to do is just say ok nonna i will. Another stage maybe? Who knows...

Every time you wake up and the world is still spinning is another chance to try and be happy.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I am not ok. dont ask me if i am ok because i will say no. i am angry. with my family, with this disease, with myself. i cant control anything and i am tired of trying. i am even getting tired of trying to explane myself here. i never thought i would say that. i am just going to go now.

Back

Hello friends. I am home. Its time to get back into this summers patterns of Work, and Nursing Home.

The trip went by fast looking back but seemed to take forever while i was there. Know i missed you, and that I am glad to be back. I will post some photo's later on, when i have some time. For now I much check in on Nonna.

Bye everyone

not dying but it feels like it, lol. I leave for DC tomorrow (Tuesday the 3ed) and I wont be back till Monday night i guess (the 9th) . I am gonna miss talking to you guys.

When ever I say goodbye to her I cry. When I was a kid I used to do the same, but back then she would comfort me and say, "hey i be back soon." now its me leaving her but she doesent even know. So I leave but I wont forget her. Every day I will wonder if she is being taken care of. If she has cried today, if someone told her they love her today. Is she going to be different when I come back? Will she know less?

I dont know but I dont have a choice, I will go with a heavy heart.

It does help to have a few good friends around

I was feeling down but I got to spend some time with friends last night. It was nice, i miss seeing them. I tried to avoid some topics thought. I don't want to bring them into my life quite yet. I am not willing to subject them to my complaints and my fears. I will keep them to myself. LOL or to myself and my e-friends! ;) I hope i don't drive them away in my coldness about these topics. But i am just not ready. I will when it is time. j

thanks for being around thought. it means a lot. more then you could know.