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Phone call from mom: she has a black eye riped nasal cavity and broken nose. I thought she was supposed to get better care on the first floor. I feel so out of it. I wish I could go home now, I really want to go home now. :(

my throat hurts almost worse then my heart

sickness update

I felt wore this morning so I made myself do it. I went to the health center and course there was not much to be said. They thought it was mono, so I had to pay 6 dollars for them to figure out it was not. She said it was not strep. Then she asked the big one, "how is your life going? Are you eating well, sleeping well, and not to greatly stress?" I said "ummmm" for about 25 seconds before I said "a little" Basically she yelled at me for 1. not coming in sooner and 2. for not taking good care of myself. Then she sent me out there with the only advice to sleep, eat, drink, take 2 alive twice a day, and mucinex. Why was it I had to come in earlier for someone to tell me that again?

idk I feel really crappy even with the prescription strength alive dosage. i just want to go home now. :(

I give up

Health Center Appointment for 11:15, I hate doctors.

This is Nonna on good old 3N, her home since march. Not anymore though. She was moved to the first floor. Its not that it has changed anything for me. I have not gotten to see her since the move. I just liked knowing where she was, exactly and the people she would see everyday. They knew me, I am the young girl with the camera. Some even remembered that I go to college. Thats more then what Nonna remembers. It was not a great view from 3N, its in the city so everything is ugly. I just had gotten used to it thats all.

I remember when I was a kid I used to cry a lot. I had some kind of strange separation anxiety, like the kind puppies have when there past owners did not spend enough time with them. Except I would not chew at the furniture I would just cry if someone tried to leave the house with out me. Nonna would be gone for just a half hour and I would be crying for more then an hour. She would come home and find me in the same place she left me. She would make me some food and then I would feel better. She believe in holding your head up high no matter how afraid you are. Sometimes I still feel like that kid who does not want to be left alone. This time I have to make my own food, and I cant cook to save my life. She is leaving me for good and I cant even be there to say goodbye. What would she want me to do? I know she would want me to be strong. Keep my face to the clouds. I know this in my heart and in my head. So I am trying, I really am.

white light

I am walking towards the light, and gosh darn it I am taking you all with me. After all what is the after life with out a few good friends to chat with?

you got me

A friend got me thinking...

Why does god choose one person to join him and not another? I want to understand I do. I want to have faith that Nonna still has work to be done here on earth but its just so hard to see it. This might be the most selfish and terrible thing I have ever said on this blog before but I feel as if I have to say it now. When my good blogging friends lost there loved ones I almost felt forgotten. Just another finger pointed at me and my grandmother saying your different. You don't get peace yet. I have for a long time struggled with feeling like I don't fit with this group. I am 20 years old. I go to college. My grandmother is in a nursing home. I don't even live in the same town as her anymore. I feel so different so much of the time. I cant fit in with people my age, and I cant fit in with people who are 40 something and have lived so much of life.

I also wanted to add. I did not realize that I was the first of most of us to start blogging. Now it makes sense because when I started in April nobody would respond at all. It was Nancy who first responded to my blog in April but she did not have a blog back then. It was not until July 26th that I got responses from some of the people (Terry, Lori, Nancy) who now regularly visit my blog. Its funny looking back at this family and how we started. After that hardly a post has gone by with out a comment or two. Thanks for reading guys I don't know if I would still be bothering with this blog if it was not for you guys appearing and making it all seem worth while.

PS Betsy your the only one who OUT-blogs me from the people I link to on my blog! lol why did it take us so long to find each other?

AIM or Yahoo

Hey does anyone here use AIM or Yahoo? I talk to Gale and Dave on those but I was wondering if anyone else had it? If you don't but want one its free and I can send you the link. I think it would be nice to talk to any of you in more of a conversation form sometime.

November

I like to start each month thinking about what I expect from it. Will I be happier? Will I fall in love? Make new friends? Met old friends? Trust someone new? Loose someone? Will I cry more? Will I change? Will I stay the same? Will the world change? Will I fall bigger then I ever have? Or will I fly higher then I ever have? There is no way to really tell what this month will bring. I could spend all month guessing and therefor prevent anything at all from happening to me. I may be frightened of change but I might be more frightened of nothing changing. What if the end of this month comes and I am in the exact same place I am right now? I guess then I will have to wait for December.

Nonna update: I have been so sick lately that I have not been paying as much attention as I normally do to Nonna on this blog. She has been moved to the 1st floor of the nursing home now. It sound be better but I worry that it will only confuse her more. She was in a very small way getting used to the people on 3N. If she was not well at least we were. The first night she was moved she fell. She has been in bed since. Her O2 levels are not right. The past 2 days she has been fighting that and not much else. Don't ask me if this is something big or just another bump in the long road ahead for her because I don't know.