tomorrow

Taking my exam in the morning and going straight home. I hardly studied. I am only doing this because its what my mom wants. Tomorrow I will be able to forget about school for good.

Wake on Sunday, Funeral on Monday. 4 out of town cousins coming in tomorrow night. Somehow none of it seems worth it. I wont be able to breath till Tuesday. Even then family will lurk for a week. I want to be with them, but part of me knows I need to do this alone.

Its hard for me to put into words my thanks to all of you. I guess I just did not know how connected we all are, that you all really do care. Just thank you.

its over

she passed last night after my uncle got there. mom called me a few hours ago. she begged me to stay and finish my exam. i guess thats what i will do.

Weird

Its weird how things seem to happen a specific way. This morning one of my only good friends called me. She lives in Portland. She was in tears, total tears, I could not understand a word she was saying. So I calmed her down in attempts to figure it out. She then explained that her mom had a heart attack and was in the hospital on a ventilator. Her mom is not much older them mine. Maybe 55 or 57. She has not been in the best of health though. She does not talk to her dad, and her bothers are well less then perfect. I am worried about her. She knew about Nonna, but not that she is almost gone. How do you tell someone that once they already have so much on there mind? She met Nonna more then a few times. I don't know.

Its weird thinking about my future. It weird thinking we no longer have to look for a new nursing home. I feel like there wont be any point left to anything after another week. Like my family will just stop functioning because we wont need to anymore. My family may not be like yours. We don't really get along. Will I stop even going home once I don't have a reason to anymore? Worst part is that I would not even be thinking about this if I was only there instead of stuck here. In hell. Just waiting for my final to be over and my life to totally change. These days could not seem any longer.

Believe

I keep finding myself thinking... its not true. She has been though so much lately this has got to be just another scare. So many times I have gotten phone calls and it has seemed like the end. Is this just another joke? Will I go home and find her wondering where I have been? Its not though. This is the real thing. She wont be there, or if she is it will just be her body. I wish I could know this for sure. I wish I could see her. Even my uncle will see her before I do. He leaves tomorrow to come back home. It does not make me any happier to know he gets to be there and I don't. I need to study. How do you study when you know your what I know?

My Whole Life

I know its not much, I mean I am only 20 years old but I have lived with her my whole life. My whole life I have been holding hands with this woman. I have not known anything else. She was there when I started walking. There to put my on the buss the first time, and every time after that. She was there when I got sick. She was there for our June Birthdays together. She was there when I did good in school- she would give me a few dollars for each A. She was there when I failed Math in the 7th grade. She was there I graduated High School. She was there when I left for college. Thats right I left her for college. I guess she must have been glad. I mean not on the surface but deep down she must have been glad. Not a lot of her grandkids went to college. I left her though, and now she is leaving me.

I am so afraid to call my mom. I feel like anything could have already happened but she just has not called me yet. I will call though, because its all I have. We have to do this one alone me and Nonna. I cant be there for her. Stefanina e Nonna sono solo mon.

Our Father
Padre nostro, che sei nei cieli
Sia santificato il tuo nome.
Venga il tuo regno.
Sia fatta la tua volontá.
Come in cielo cosí in terra.
Dacci oggi il nostro pane quotidiano,
E rimetti a noi i nostri debiti,
Come noi li rimettiamo ai nostri debitori.
E non ci indurre in tentazione,
Ma liberaci dal male.
Nel nome del Padre, del Figlio e dello Spirito Santo.
Amen.

Hail Mary
Ave, Maria, piena di grazia,
il Signore è con te.
Tu sei benedetta fra le donne
e benedetto è il frutto del tuo seno, Gesú.
Santa Maria, Madre di Dio,
prega per noi peccatori,
adesso e nell'ora della nostra morte.
Nel nome del Padre, del Figlio e dello Spirito Santo.
Amen.

the long goodbye

My mom is making substitute teacher plans. She called my Uncle- he is getting on a plane in 2 days if there is no change. Looks like she might not be waking up this time.

O.K.

Its been a bad few days but I took a shower this morning and felt like I was washing a little bit of it down the drain.

Mom says we wont be able to move her right away but we are going to keep trying. I got pretty bad about that last night but it does not help to be angry. She still will have to go back to that place when she is healed. We thought it would be better on the first floor but it only got worse. How do you deal with such guilt? Some good news the doctor said that someone needs to be at her side 24/7. This means a personal nurse while in the hospital. This is great and really what she needs all the time. We have said it before but now that the doctor ordered it we can sleep a little more soundly for now. The hospital is safe for sure. What will happen when she has to go back?

My throat feels better this morning. I think I am starting to recover. Thanks for all your advice and love. I look forward to eating with out pain. lol

Lastly I want to add this quote from one of my favorite TV shows, MASH. Last night when I remembered it I felt better. "Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice" ~Sidney Freedman.

Sorry

I guess I confused people with my frustrated update yesterday. I was and still am not feeling great so It was hard to put anything into type.

Yes she fell yesterday morning broke her nose and orbit bone, plus has a black eye and has a very bruised and swollen face. My mom called I wanted to hop in the car and drive home right away. I felt dizzy with pain and figured I would probably crash before I got half way there. They sent her to the normal hospital but they transfered her to a specialist at Upstate. Thats where I worked this summer. It makes me want to be there even more knowing she is there. She must be so scared and in so much pain.

I just talked to her again so I am adding this. She says she is very much out of it, they keep giving her morphine because she is unable to stay under control. Last night my mom was up there till 1am because they could not keep her calm. When she left Nonna freaked out and they had to tie her down. My mom is pretty angry that this even has to be happening. So she decided to try and get her into a different nursing home. I have told her before to try and get her transfered but I guess now its just very clear we need to. I really don't want her going back there ever again.

My throat is swollen pretty bad. I cant eat or drink much but I desperately need to get better now. I have a final Monday. I just need to finish this quarter and go home. Please let me just finish this quarter and go home. Please.

I asked my mom to put the phone to her ear. Her eyes were open but she was not talking. I said I love you and I could hear a gargle noise on the other side. She had a mask on but I could tell she was trying to say I love you too. I just broke down. Still tears and flowing down my face and I can feel my heart beat in my neck. She was trying to say I love you.