some wanderings

I have had a 48 hours or so. Given that I have not slept much. But my paper is done. A lot of my school work is done. I am starting to get used to the idea that school is almost over. I dont like it anymore but I am getting used to it. Soon I will be home, and I wont have any other option. I will miss her more, if its even possible. I will have a job to distract me though. I hope this is my last summer living at home. I feel to big for my old room. (I dont mean size because its bigger then the one I have here at school) I just mean there are so many memories that I just need to move on. I am almost 21, but I feel 45. I hope when I am 45 I feel 21. Does it work that way? Anyways thats it for now. Oh its was 75 today here. Another sign summer is coming.

I <3 you all

Happy Mothers day

Has it truly been a year since the last one? First off let me start by saying Thank YOU to all my e-mom's. Even if you dont have kids you have served as my mother in small but very important ways. So Thank you Gale, Nancy, Lori, Chris, Betsy, Nancy M, Cinn and Joanne. You never had to worry about me but you always did. Even though I may never see any of your faces I want you to know that I do value you. Thank you again.

My mom. I am so lucky to have my mom with me today. Her and I don't always get along. We have very different personalities, but I still admire her so much. She is an incredibly smart woman. She is the daughter of two farmworkers from Italy, and she ON HER OWN graduated Law School. She really is my inspiration. I have always know that you love me mom, and for that I am really great full.


I have three parents. I always have. Nonna was my mother, just like my real mom was. She was there for me always when I needed her. I could not love her any less then I love my real mom. When I was young nonna used to remind me that she was old, even for a grandparent she was older then normal because I am the youngest of her 13 grandkids. She was 67 when I was born, and she knew from the start she would not be able to see every step of my life. So she would tell me "Stefanina come visit me at Cort street when I die." This might sound weird to you but for me I understand why. She wanted to be a apart of my life even after she is gone. So alone today on my way back to school I went to the cemetery on Cort st. I brought some flowers and I set them by her grave. (photo) The earth is not even yet, its still so very fresh. It hurt to see all of it but it was healing. I know she would like me to do this. I said out loud "I love you Nonna, and I miss you"

To end all this on a better note my mom sent me this photo and message to my phone about 20 mins after I got back to school. I guess its my turn now to carry on what Nonna taught me:

"Present for my Godmother"

Seeds

Every year when I was a kid nonna used to plant these same seeds. I dident even know then just how important they were. They are from Italy these seeds. Brought with her in 1954. They are truly my favorite flower. It grows into a long stem and these beautifully delicate flower. They only open at night. Sometimes the colors on one flower are different. From red to yellow then orange. When they are mature enough they produce these little black seeds that can be plucked from the middle of the flower. She would go around year after year and collect them up and put them in a little box. I never really understood why they were so important. But I realize now. These seeds are from a different time period. They are the 60 plus generation of flowers that once grew in the country side of Italy. They truly are beautiful flowers my friends, and I cant wait to post photos of them when the bloom.

Digging a hole

Its pretty clear that I am digging a hole already for my senior year. I am set up to be an editor of our professional publication. That means producing 3 issues of a 20-30 page magazine plus a website, all with 4 other people. Next I got elected vice-president of our professional association. This means weekly meetings and organizing events for the 70 plus people in my major. And lastly but never ever least I am signed up to take 19 credits in the Fall. (18 is the max but because I have a high GPA they let me take up to 20) Plus this summer I am making less money so I will have to make up for that during the school year by working more hours. All of this on top of the natural stress I will put on myself because its my last year in college and I have to make it best because I wont have another chance to do it over again.


What have I done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May 1st

I almost forgot to make my monthly 1st of the month post. So here I am, and so is May. Oh look I should change my wall calendar to say May. Anyways I am not sure what to post about. Its the last month of my junor year in college... thats scary. I would like to say I am ready to be a senior but I am not. I still feel like a really scared freshman sometimes. Other times I feel really quite old. I have a friend I have been spending a lot of time with who is a Freshman, and well I just can see how different I was as a Freshman. SOOO much has happened in my life in the past three years. I used to live in the dorms, and now I basically live on my own. That in its self makes a big difference in my life. So here I stand looking down the hall at my senior year of college. What will I make of it? What will I do to make it better? How will I make the most out of my last year in college? and well most importantly what the HECK will I do when I get out??

so many questions and to think I was just trying to make my first of the month post. lol

one big box, 12 dollars

I dont have much money right now. In fact sometimes I try not to be hungry just so I dont have to eat food. Its not a big deal its just what happens when your in college. So I dont go shopping much. Thing is there was something I have been waiting to buy for several months now. Its a box. I know your like a box??? why a box??? Well see in my life when something ends, and i mean something big I make a box. I sometimes cover it with photos, or I just put all the photos inside. I have a box for all my freshman year college stuff, and one for sophomore year. I assume I will make one at the end of this year too. I put keepsakes and random things that have symbolic meaning to me.

So this box I have in front of me now. I put all of nonna's stuff it in. The contents are: one photo album that I made for her with photos of our whole family. one scarf she made for me. a sweatshirt i bought her that has my college name on it. a bookmark that she kept in her bible. about 50 postcards sent to her from her family still in Italy. a golden flower pin. and a green plastic rosary. and her prayer book.

I think putting all this in the box will help me emotionally. I need to work harder on keeping it in the box. Lately when I have gotten upset I would take all her stuff out and sprawl it on the floor. Look at it all and smell it all. Its comforting. I know one day I will have to put the box in a closet or something. I wont take it out much, but it will always always be there.



Its just for now is it ok if I keep it where I can see it?

"I love you"

I wonder why when you cry so much your noise gets so stuffy. I cant breath out of it right now. I thought to much about everything. About my life as a punching bag. I mean that in a few ways. Its not like I am blaming others, I feel as if most of how I get treated is my fault. I dont have a good self esteem. Mostly thinking about this all brought me back to one point. Like it always does.

I miss her so god dam much. Even when she had no idea who I was, she knew she loved me. Now I have people in my life who can call me by my name but cant tell me they love me. I would rather it be the other way around. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

The last time I hurd her voice it was over the phone. She had a few broken bones in her face plus she was wearing an oxygen mask. But she still managed to say it. She still said it. even if she had no idea who I was, or how much that really meant to me. She said it, just like this. "I love you... I love you...I love you"

Better

I feel pretty good today. I wanted to post that. I am sorry if I worry you guys. I don't mean to. I will take care of myself the best I can, if you try and do the same for yourselves. We all need each other and in case I don't say it enough: I love you. Have a good weekend my friends.