throwing up and feeling dizy

I have definaly been feeling the physical signs of being over stressed. I had a horable dream last night and when i woke up i ran to the bathroom and just chilled for a while i thought i might have to throw up but dident... fun i know. the rest of my day was ok, no blow ups with my mom because we dident talk... My cousins got into town so i talked to them about nonna of course they thought she was almost dead when they saw her because they havent seen her in a year.

Now i have a math test tomorrow. Is it wrong that i dont care? Because i dont. I dont care if i fail or if i get an A. I have never felt like that about a class before.


i really miss her today.

"you cant carry the worlds problems kiddo" -GD

But its hard. I want to help people i love. I want to make them better, if only feel better. But I cant. My friend and I just sat in silence today. She spend 24 hrs in urgent care over the weekend for alcohol poisoning. It scared me to see how different she is. Its not like i dident know that alcohol can do that to someone, i have seen it before. But someone so young with so much life left. Its upsetting. I fear for her emotional state, for her family and for her new life she must now find. People talk about her behind her backs but i wont be one of them. I am here for her because thats what i do when i can.

I miss Nonna, her unconditional love for me and her way to make everything seem easy. I miss my mom and her sanity and her way of making me feel like everything is ok. I miss my friends and there way of making me laugh things off. I am alone in the world for now because nobody is here for me, i have to be here for others. Maybe in the future they will be here for me. Friends and family, let me hold your pain for a moment. Let me inside your troubles, and let me help you past them. Because your troubles are mine, no matter what.

phenomia again

The Doc told us today she has phenomia again. She never got rid of it from a month ago, and they say she wont ever get over it. She is just to frail. Her CO2 and O2 levels are not being stable eather, so she may be in the hospital for a while but her body is still hanging on so strong. I dont know how when she doesent have much left of her that works. I miss her so much. I miss my mom as well. I am trying to focus on school but well its hard.

where am I?

I thought i would be home now. I thought I would be home when this happened. She had to go back to the hospital. Does that mean its now? Is it going to be over now? Or is this going to be like the last time, just another "wait." My mom told me to stay where I am. I wish I could be there for her but I am so afraid. My mother always used to know what to do. She was always right, but what if this time she is not right and I should be there for them all. I dont understand, should it be this hard? I want to know for sure. I want to know if this is the time, if today she will leave me forever. I want to know, but I dont. Do I just sit here working on homework like everthing is ok? Or do I run home miss class even though she could be fine tomorrow. I wish someone could tell me. I just want to know.

So tired

I havent slept more then 4 hrs a night all week and its really starting to take its effects. I feel very out of place. Like everthing thats going around me is not real or something. I have so much work and i have to go home on sunday. My mom needs me, so I have to go. I am going home next weekend as well because its mothers day. Well thats all I can think of for now...

this world

what can i expect from this world, this life. i feel like i have lost so much allready. cousin, aunt, grandfather, uncle, and my nonna who is leaving me as i type these words. i feel like i was not a child for very long. i was just a kid but i knew i had to be more. i allways feel like i have to be more. maybe thats why i strive to be the top in my class, maybe why i feel like i need to care for nonna. but whatever the reason i am who i am. i guess time will move on, i will have a life again, i will have my own family. i hope i am a better person becuase of my life so far, but how can you really tell- maybe i would be a better person if i dident have all this pain built up in me.

how can i care about it all?

-Photo class and how i cant seem to manage to get an A in 6 quarters of taking the same class
-Nature photo class and how i "disappointing" the teacher with my lack of enthusiasm
-How i am getting a low B in a math class that i should be able to pass in my sleep, but i cant seem to focus on or do any of the work
-My brother and fathers certain lack of disregard for the fact that MY GRANDMOTHER IS IN A NURSING HOME.
-My grandmother and her last few months on this earth
-My mom and her ATTACHMENT TO ME and PURE INSANITY her phone calls crying her anger at my family and her anger at the Nursing Home.
-My friends and there upcoming birthdays, which i don’t see how i can attend anymore

-Me? and what i want to do with my life?

tired of time

There are days where you wish you could:
-Curl into a ball and cry
-Fling yourself off the highest building
-Punch the person next to you
-Hug the person next to you
-Give up on something (school, family, whatever)
-Go away and never come back
-Fall in love
-Hate someone
-Be someone else
-All of the above

But we keep moving, keep doing what we are doing, because we have gotten so used to it. Its like one of those spining rides at a carnival. Your on it so long that it feels normal. If you get off you cant walk staight so you just stay on. And hope that when the ride ends you will be strong enough to stand.