Emily

To become a recluse, would it be all that bad? Could I live like my long time friend once did. She died years ago but I can still feel her soul in her words. She was not so much different from me. Raised catholic, but not sure thats what she believed. Sounds a bit like me. Then the fact that she went home at first to care for her family, some say differently. That she was afraid and heartbroken by the world around her, so she cut herself off. Sounds a bit like me. She was not considered great in life though, but in death we all bow down to her greatness. Will this be me? Should I just return now before my heart becomes even more shattered to a place where I can sit with just a simple pen in hand. Never to experience the world outside my brain.

throwing out the peanut butter

This morning I woke up to find an open jar of peanut butter on my desk, as well as a bag of chocolate chips. Its not that I did not put it there or something, but I just started to remember. Last night like most nights for the past 3 weeks I was sad and fed it with peanut butter and chocolate. So I slowly worked my body out of bed and over to my desk. I shut the jar of half full peanut butter and gave it a little squeeze. I knew it was time to say goodbye. I bought that jar a few days before Nonna died. I was here at school and my mom had told me that day that she was making substitute teacher plans so she could be out of school. That was her way of warning me of what was coming. I could hardly believe it. I tried to calm the beast by eating out of the fresh jar of peanut butter, and then adding chocolate when needed. I have not stopped since. Anyways back to this morning. I stared at the jar very intently knowing that both of my house mates had already left for class. So I walked downstairs in my PJ's and messy hair. Stood in front of the garbage can. The blood pulsing though me with a straight that would help me do it. So I threw it right into the basket and walked away as fast as I could. I then walked upstairs and washed and changed for class. When I left the house I knew I had stop letting myself eat that way. Nonna could not be an excuse for eating so poorly anymore. I had to move on. I will, I think I can.

In a way the stupid peanut butter was more then just comfort food. It was a whole lot of reservation that I have been holding on to. I need to start getting back some of my personalty that I feel like I have lost these past few weeks. Its not as if I am better now that the peanut butter sits rotting in the bottom of the garbage can. Maybe its just one step in a long and winding road. I beg you my friends, if you get the chance to throw out the peanut butter please do.

A Mass for Nonna

I am home for just about 24 hours. There is lots I need to do here. Maybe more like lots of things I want to do here. I went to a mass today for Nonna. If you don't know the practice basically in the catholic church you can pay about 10 dollars to have a mass dedicated to someone who has passed away. It was at a church on the north side of the city, thats where Nonna first lived when she came to America. I could tell everyone there was Italian. The area is not so exclusively Italian anymore but the people who go to church are. It felt closer being there. I am glad I got to go.

We also cut down our Christmas tree today. My mom fell in love with one of the first ones we saw, she said it was a sign from Nonna. I am not sure about that but its a nice tree. Nonna loved every tree we brought home. Christmas was so important to her and for all the right reasons. She loved so much spending time with family and giving us kids presents. Even though she never had much to give. She loved cooking and being joyful. I could not think of anyone who had a more beautiful Christmas spirit.

Lastly my mom told me today that Nonna did leave us some money. I thought she was pretty much flat broke and I never cared much. I am really glad though because my mom decided to spend it on fixing the house. Our sofa's are so old and uncomfortable (one of them is from Nonna's old house.) She is going to buy new ones and maybe she might have some money left over to help pay for another family vacation. Not that the money means anything to me really, but I am just glad my mom will get to have things in her house that will remind her of Nonna.

I guess none of this is bad really. So I am doing ok right now then. Thats new for me. Tomorrow I go back to school. Is that when it falls back apart?

thinking gets me in trouble... i should just stop

I think about everything. About my past. About my future. About others past and future. I even think about thinking. Thats what I am doing now right? When I hit a topic that bugs me I normally stop dead. It will fallow me around like a very annoying monkey clawing into my back. I will think and think and think for hours about the one topic that I can not resolve in my own head. I go off topic, but I always seem to come back to the thoughts that taught me with answers but never reveal them. Its like a puzzle or math problem that has no answer but always seems like it does. It could be something in my past. It could be something I am worried about in my future. Sometimes its to private to even admit thats what I am thinking about. So i just keep it hidden inside my brain and let it stomp around up there distracting me from simple tasks. Life becomes so difficult to continue on with when you have so many unresolved questions. What if I tried harder... I don't think it works like that. So this is me singing off, and going to try to stop thinking. Got any advice?

What will this quarter mean to me?

Its my third day of classes. I think I already know what the key battles will be for me. I have so much more class time this quarter. I have NO time for lunch breaks at all, so I am sure I will be hungry most of this quarter. Don't believe me? here: http://www.rit.edu/~srd0626/winter.html Thats my winter schedule. It may seem to you great that I don't have class till 10am, but when I cant try and sleep till 1 or 2am then might not fall asleep till later, it causes a problem. Its not that I could do it anyways its just I know I will be very tired, and underfed. Have I mentioned I am taking 18 credit hours and according to RIT 18 credit hours = 34 hours of homework. I am not even kidding, they say for each credit hour there should be 2 hours of homework. I have not taken 18 credits for a few quarters now, last time I did I was not working... I am working now. Anyways I could go on and on but I am going to stop.

Someone I don't talk to much IMed me earlier. He said “sometimes you just have to say "i'm happy" to make it true; even if it does hurt” I think that sounds just about right. One thing it does not address is: Do I want to be happy? It may sound like a stupid question but I think you all can relate to not even wanting to be happy anymore. I think if I can make myself want to be happy first then maybe I can make myself believe I am happy. Hope that makes sense to you all.

The world is painted white again

As the first major snow is raging outside, I find myself hiding in my room under crochet blankets. I got back to school yesterday. It was not so much leaving home that hurt so bad, but when I got here and realized I had to go back to "normal" now. The past two weeks have been totally insane. The lows and highs have been some of the deepest and tallest. I feel emotionally exhausted but all my friends seem so happy rejuvenated from there breaks. I wanted to see them, so I went visiting but I found myself brought to tears. I can't even explane why but I just could not be around them I had to run away and hide. I have not been so upset since her funeral. I spent the night in my room shut away even from my roommates. I feel like I am so different so sad that I cant even bear to do the things I used to. If I was home I might be ok, because everyone there went though the same thing I did, but here everyone is just happy. Maybe school work will distract me a little. I hope so because sometimes the pain is just unbearable.

Godmother Stefanie

I have never been so proud of a little baby in my life. I am going to be a godmother! My cousin asked me today. If you don't know, being godmother is a pretty big deal in the Italian world. It religious yes but also has to do with the parents giving the kid another person to look up to. I am so honored to be Vinchenzo's Godmother.

He is sick now though. He is still in the NICU. They had to put him on oxygen because his O2 levels were down. That scares me so much. It sounds familiar does it not? He is going to be ok though. He is because I am going to be his godmother. I think Nonna would be so happy today.

Here is my future Godson: (and yes a full head of hair and only a day old!!)

Sad

I got a sudden wave of sadness. I was setting up the Christmas decorations today for my mom. I know she wont do it if I don't and since I leave tomorrow I figured I better. It was the stockings. I took them out and realized there were 5. mom, dad, brother, sister, and nonna. It was so swift. Just knocked me right off my feet like a huge gust of wind. I flash back to every Christmas morning for the past 20 years. My mom and dad sitting on the sofa watching. My brother and me on the floor unwrapping presents. Then when we were done I would go wake her up. When we were younger she would wake up on her own but not recently. I would sit with her and help her open all her presents. She loved presents. She would be so excited for even just a pair of socks. She loved simple practical gifts. It just cant be Christmas with out her it just cant be.


Going up to see the baby now. He is in neonatal intensive care still. Seems like he is having some breathing problems. I really hope he is alright. I just cant take it if he is not alright. I miss nonna.