Vinchenzo Frank Trapasso

Welcome to the world my little cousin. You are loved so much already and your no more then 4 hours old. I wish the world for you. I know your life will not be easy, no life is. Its complex and there are many ups and downs. Chances are you wont have all the people you have today for your whole life. You have to love them as much as you can today, and when they are gone promises never to forget them. Live a simple but good life little Enzo.

I will post photos tomorrow of the baby. He was almost 3 weeks over due. He was due the day Nonna died. Mom is doing well, they had to do a c-section at the last minute because of some blood in her urine. He is still in the incubator so I did not get to see him today. Tomorrow I will bring a blanket Nonna made and give it to him. Maybe he passed Nonna maybe on his way here to us. I hope so.

Anyways tears of joy tonight... tears of joy.

better or better at hiding

The week is coming to an end. That worries me. Sunday I go back to school. It seems like years ago I was there. It seems like years ago I would worry about when to come home to visit her. Now there is nobody to worry about visiting. Except my mom of course. Its not the same though. No real need for it anymore. I feel so unsure about it all. About the rest of my life. About everything. I find myself starting to day dream. I will be talking to someone and thinking about something totally different. Its almost like I am in a different world then everyone else. I cant relate to them. What is going to happen me when I go back to school? Will I snap out of it, move on start thinking and dreaming of something new? Or will I be stuck, unable to move. I am scared. I am so scared. Afraid to keep walking and afraid to stand still. I just wish someone could give me answers. I wish that I could have had one last conversation with her. One more time she could have said my name. God when will I stop wishing for this because I don't know how much more my heart can handle.


ps Happy 201st post blog

updates

---> Death certificate came in the mail today. Says the cause of death is 1. Cardiac Arrest 2. COPD and 3. Alzheimer's. I guess I just did not think to ask when she died exactly what the cause was. In the same envelope from the nursing home is another womans death certificate. Somehow they mailed us hers by accident. After the shock of seeing Nonna's I guess I just did not care. My mom was more angry then me.

---> Process clean up. My mom keeps giving away things from Nonna's room. Seems like every day I hear her taking to my uncle or my aunt saying "do you want...?" Of course they want whatever it is. They want it all and my mom seems perfectly willing to give it away. Its not my choice I keep saying but don't I have any rights?

---> The coat. There is her winter coat in our down stairs closet. I was going to bring it up to her room so we could take it to the good will but somehow I just could not take it out of the closet. I can still feel her warn hands that I have not held for almost a month now. She has been dead for 2 weeks. Has it been that long??? I guess it has been. It still hurts like I was just told though. It has not gotten better. When does it get better? Does anyone know?

Three Years

March 2005: Its my senior year in high school. Not much more time to go before graduation. My mom tells me that my grandfather has cancer. I knew there was not much to be done about that kind of thing, but I guess I was stupid back then. My grandma seemed to be handling it all. Sure we visited him but we were not always allowed "in". My best friend's sister was set to get married some time in mid march. I was asked to photograph. It was the night of the shower. My parents dropped me off and picked me up and on the ride back home I knew something was dreadfully wrong. Nobody told me till the next morning though that he had passed away that night.

March 2006: Its spring break of my first year in college. I walk in the door and my mom and brother appear to be waiting for me. I knew my uncle had lung cancer but until now we had been hopeful. I thought that he would be able to live for years since he was just diagnosed a few weeks before. My mom said they stopped treatment and it would not be long. I only had a week off. I spent the majority of that week at there house. Waiting with family. When I was not at there house I was babysitting the children. Anything to help out. I was there the night he died. Right next to him when she stopped breathing, and I listened to every moan my aunt made. Nobody had to tell me he was dead that time.

November 2007: Finals week at school. I knew she was not doing great. She is so strong I thought she would hold out for me to get home. More then anything I wanted to be there for her and my family. I knew it would be hard, but I knew I had to do it. She died 2 days before my last final exam. I had to wait there. Wait to finish my exam and only then could I home to my family. I was closest to you, and I did not even get to say goodbye.

Three years have been hard. Three years I should have been growing into a normal adult but instead I feel more messed up then ever. I wish it was all different. I wish you could have seen me graduate from High School. I wish you all could see me graduate from College. I miss you. More then you could ever know.

blankets, scarfs, and everything crocheted

I woke up thinking of a time more then 5 years ago when Nonna made everyone in our family a scarf. Mine was purple of course. My brother had an orange and blue one for the basketball team in our area. My mom's was a teal. My dad's was gray. She made them for all her other kids and grandkids as well. Where did those go? I know we did not wear them much when we first got them. It was uncomfortable maybe? I started looking. I found a bag in the linen closet labeled: "Nonna's blankets" I remember about 4 years ago me and my mom had the idea to have her make baby blankets. That way one day I could have one for each of my kids. There is a bright pink one and a pale blue one. A yellow one and a white one. No scarfs yet. In the extra bed room, I find a basket of blankets. These are ones we used to use all the time but it seems like they maybe got replaced by something warmer. No scarfs in there. I remembered something my dad blocks the heater in that room with blankets to save a little money. I look over at the heater and I see something long and purple jammed in there. I pull it out and sure enough my scarf. Next I see a orange and blue one as well as a teal and gray one. I see now that we took advantage of her while she was here, just like the scarfs. Maybe we never fully cherished her until she was gone. I warp my purple scarf around my neck and sit in the cold room feeling the emptiness of my heart and the house.

So hard

Why is it so hard to breath. I never have had a broken heart like this before. I feel like everything is different but yet nothing seems to have changed. Its like being trapped in an alternate universe that looks just like the old one but with out her. It hurts so bad that I can't control my tears.

Thoughts

Yesterday I am sure was the start of something. Maybe the rest of my life. Maybe just a new phase. But there was nothing to plan. No funeral or thanksgiving. There was nobody to visit. No nursing home to rush off to. There was nobody to even cook dinner for so I eat rice from a bag. It was something new. Not sure I like it much yet though.

I miss her smell. Her over perfumed self. I miss the way she spoke. Half English half Italian. I miss her glasses. How she straightened them before she talked. I miss her clothing. Nothing fancy just plan.

Yesterday we got a letter from our local drug store. A condolence card. It was really nice of them to think of us. It made me feel pretty awful tough. I almost forgot about when she used to live with us how often I would have to go to the drug store to pick up her pills. She took so many pills it was an hour project to get them organized every week. Sunday nights normally my mom would do it. Sit around with her 15 pill bottles and put them into daily containers for her.

I miss how she used to talk about my wedding. She would say how much she wanted to be there and of course how much she wanted me to marry an Italian man. I am not sure I will ever be married. I am not sure I will ever even date an Italian man. I guess all I am sure of is if I do get married I will miss her so much on that day. Her earrings that she wore everyday of my life will be my something old, borrowed and blue. My mom promised me that.

What am I really thankfull for?

I have been thinking all day about how sad I am. About awful I feel. About just how much I miss my Nonna. What did that get me? Not much but an extra slice of chocolate moose pie that I did not have space in my stomach for. So here is my attempt to be thankful before the last few moments of thanksgiving is up.

My list of Thanks
-for the food around me
-my dog and her companionship
-Nonna moving in with us when I was born
-my little cousins
-my mom even when we fight
-the time I had with my grandpa
-A chance to get to know Nonna's life before me
-That I still have one grandparent here on earth
-For my Gale, Nancy, Lori, Betsy, Chris, Nancy M, and Johanne for being as close to big sisters and mothers as anyone could be on the internet.
-For Terry being a friend and father to look up to.
-For my grandpa David. Sticking around and never willing to give up and the strange kid on the east coast. OH and his Emily for adopting yet another cousin.
-The constant ability of my heart to stay hopeful for the future
-And encase I missed anything, I am thankful for love and faith.