My friends are you ok? You say yes. You say the journey is over, they are at peace. Thats good I see that. It just gets me thinking about how I will take the coming departure to heaven. I am sorry for my selfishness, but this whole week I have been wondering. I need to post about it now.
I will get a phone call. It most likely will be my mother. She will say I need to make plans to come home. I will know why. I feel as if I wont be able to do what she asks. I feel as if I might not even be able to move. I have had so many dreams about this retched phone call. About my last moments with my grandmother. She will not die at home. She will probably die with out a family member there. Nobody to hold her hand. This will not be like yours my friends. She is in the place. This terrible place where people go to die slowly. Where even the people working there forget you. Chances are one night she will simply slip away and the nurses will think, wow that woman at the end of the hall never sleeps the whole night. Then they notice. It will probably be over when I get home. I will have missed her. When it happens I will probably have to see people I did not ever want to see again. People who left her there. People who left us to try and figure this out. They will come back when she is gone. You were not here when she was alive, why would you come when she is dead? It matters to me. I wish they wouldn't come. Will my mom be ok? Will her depression slip deeper and deeper until she is not even able to be recognized? Will my dad be around to help hold her above water? Will I have to do that alone? Will she be able to let me go back to school after? Will I be able to go back to school after? I don't think anything will be fine when she passes. Will I be glad is over? Maybe so, simply because she wont be in that place anymore. It will be good for her maybe. Will I be able to be happy for her? I just don't know my friends if I will ever be ok. I feel angry. She is leaving me alone on this earth.
Once she leaves for heaven there will only be hell left on earth.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Are they ok?
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5 comments:
Hi Stef. We are in the exact same boat, I think. I took these three deaths very hard. But I think it 'was' because I wasn't there, day in and day out, for anywhere from three to Nine Years, ya know?
I also realize there is some 'transfrence' here. I can not even imagine life on this Earth with my Mother. And I also dread her Death because evderyone will desend in to one place. That Hell-Hole where she lives. I can not imagine digging through all that crap to hopefully find one or two photo albums, of "OUR" family.
I'll tell you what Stef. We have to take it one day at a time too? We need not borrow troubl, and jump ahead of ourselves. Our time will come, and when it does, God will give us just enough strngth to deal with it, like her has for ourt friends?
And if they find they are not doing as well as they think, they could be, but...they have many many many of us to turn to, and so will we.
oh stef,
i can feel that you are hurting. try not to overthink this too much. take one day at a time. and put your faith in God that He will tkae care of you and nonna and your mom.
we are also here for you, we care about you. hang in there friend.
Sef,
I was just a couple years older than you when I lost my sweet grandma. I was crushed. I understand how you feel and I only wish I known to ask or even ponder the questions you do. Maybe I could have been better prepared. It stil would have hurt but at least I would have known what to expect.
Hugs to you, little one. I only wish I could take the pain away for you.
Stef, when that day comes you will be given what you need to get through it. I know that you have made sure that there is nothing left unsaid between you and nonna.
I can't tell you that there won't be pain but I can tell you that the sun will shine again. For now, try not to dwell on this. You will miss out on too many Today's that you can never get back again if you live in fear of tomorrow.
Stef you remind me of myself a little when I was so much younger. I always wanted to understand things before I encountered them so I would worry about them and try to plan for them.
But now that I'm older I'm more comfortable with myself and I don't worry so much about the future stuff.
Thank you for the comments on my blog entries.
You will work everything out. Just learn to trust yourself a little.
Thanks for being my friend.
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